What made you finally attempt suicide?

[Stormy Raine]

I'm new here so I apologize if this already was posted. Those who have survived an attempt, what made you decide the day?

 

[slugcat]

Oddly enough (for the first attempt) it was something quite insignificant.

I was alrealdy completly sure that i wanted to die in the week, so today or tomorow wouldn't change anything would it ?
That day i saw someone i viewed as my best friend, offer stickers to the girl that he knew bullied me, my other friend wouldn't talk to me for no apparent reason and i had a test i hadn't revised for.
All this pushed me over the edge and i went to the locker retreive my pills (saddly the pills i took were paracetamol and i thought i would immediatly die, i waited waited and realised that it would take a week for it to desintegrate my liver)

The second time i attempted, the thing that pushed me over the edge was my uncle telling me that if i really wanted to die, if i was really depressed, i wouldn't just self harm, i would jump off the window. That really made me decide that i would try again.

Thank you for posting an interesting question.

 

[leavingsoon99]

Just an overall re-evaluation of my life. An honest look at my past, present, and a realistic projection into my future made me realize that CTB is the only thing that makes sense for me.

 

[Stormy Raine]

Oddly enough (for the first attempt) it was something quite insignificant.

I was alrealdy completly sure that i wanted to die in the week, so today or tomorow wouldn't change anything would it ?
That day i saw someone i viewed as my best friend, offer stickers to the girl that he knew bullied me, my other friend wouldn't talk to me for no apparent reason and i had a test i hadn't revised for.
All this pushed me over the edge and i went to the locker retreive my pills (saddly the pills i took were paracetamol and i thought i would immediatly die, i waited waited and realised that it would take a week for it to desintegrate my liver)

The second time i attempted, the thing that pushed me over the edge was my uncle telling me that if i really wanted to die, if i was really depressed, i wouldn't just self harm, i would jump off the window. That really made me decide that i would try again.

Thank you for posting an interesting question.

I enjoyed hearing your story Don't feel bad, I took a whole bottle of Prozac and waited to die I can laugh now because Prozac wouldn't have done anything!!

 

[Stormy Raine]

Oddly enough (for the first attempt) it was something quite insignificant.

I was alrealdy completly sure that i wanted to die in the week, so today or tomorow wouldn't change anything would it ?
That day i saw someone i viewed as my best friend, offer stickers to the girl that he knew bullied me, my other friend wouldn't talk to me for no apparent reason and i had a test i hadn't revised for.
All this pushed me over the edge and i went to the locker retreive my pills (saddly the pills i took were paracetamol and i thought i would immediatly die, i waited waited and realised that it would take a week for it to desintegrate my liver)

The second time i attempted, the thing that pushed me over the edge was my uncle telling me that if i really wanted to die, if i was really depressed, i wouldn't just self harm, i would jump off the window. That really made me decide that i would try again.

Thank you for posting an interesting question.

I hate when people say that if we "really want to die, then do this!" Im sure if there was a guaranteed concoction to take then a lot of us wouldn't be here! Thanks for your response

Just an overall re-evaluation of my life. An honest look at my past, present, and a realistic projection into my future made me realize that CTB is the only thing that makes sense for me.

It's sometimes the only decision that makes sense and you can accept

 

[voc_89]

got into a bad car accident. I skidded and ran off the road. No one else was involved...I was unhurt but my car was totalled. I felt there was no coming back from that financially. Meaning that everyting i worked towards up to that point (getting educated, moving past my mom's death in 2004, surviving shitty 'step-moms' who were emotioonally/mentally abusive) was for naught. That was last year April.

 

[AzulLightningBerg]

I'm new here so I apologize if this already was posted. Those who have survived an attempt, what made you decide the day?

The two people in the world that I truly cared about both left me. They aren't dead, they just stopped talking to me essentially and left. I had no contact, didn't go to school with them anymore as they were both two years older than me. When the second one left I sliced up both my sides deciding that I didn't deserve a painless death and that I would "die a death of 1000 cuts". I got to about fourty, nothing was bleeding and I gave up because it clearly was not going to work the way I intended.

 

[DeadWallflower]

My Birthday. I mean, it's perfect. One of these days, I'll get it right, but most people around me know what I did and they kind of watch me closely around that time. I'm trying to build their trust and make them think I'm getting "better" so I can go off on my own during my B'Day. It's also the perfect time of year, I think, Fall.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

My ex telling me to kill myself.

 

[BroodingBleu]

I was abused as a child behind the backs of my parents, both sexually and physically. I later on put my trust in a partner that ended up doing the same exact things to me. That mixed with my disorder and my traumatic experiences at work, I've concocted a wonderful mess of a life that i have attempted to escape twice. The say I decided in was the day i escaped the relationship Match 22nd

 

[barelyhere]

I'm new here so I apologize if this already was posted. Those who have survived an attempt, what made you decide the day?

Trigger Warning for mentions of violence,bullying and sexual assault.

Well there was a lot that contributed to it. I was sexually abused several times as an 8 year old.I didn't understand it fully back then except I knew it was uncomfortable but I trusted the person and thought that that person wouldn't hurt me. But at around 11 years old is when I started to understand what happened which made the feelings and trauma 10X worse. And I kept it all to myself because I was embarrassed. And I was getting bullied physically and verbally which made me even more depressed and that is when I started to consider suicide. Because I was really depressed and being bullied my best friend didn't want to be seen around my anymore but she didn't want to just drop me as a friend without a reason so she made up an elaborate lie that I attacked her and was acting really traumatised. Everyone believed including teachers,other students parents,other students her because she was a convincing liar and she had convinced our mutual friends to lie about seeing it happen. So my reputation was forever painted. Everyone coming up to me in school saying I attacked this girl.Other students parents messaging my mother.Teachers telling me off. All of my friends stopped talking to me. I was really alone. I started to get really big suicidal thoughts. I was sexually assaulted again at 12 and that set off all of the past trauma responses and I actually spoke out about it because I wanted to and only my mother believed me I think my father wanted to believe me but didn't want to think about it, the police and the teachers did not. And the police actually told the person that I had spoken out about it then left. So then he beat me up until I was bleeding causing me to have a meltdown. And no one standing by it did anything. They all just let it happen some people even laughed and egged it on.

I knew then I wasn't gonna try to get better anymore. I wanted to die but I didn't have the courage to do it but was working my way up to it. But then one day on my way home from school it was my final straw a group of older boys from my school knew about all the bullying that was happening to me and they knew about the meltdown because someone from school saw the thing happen because it was near my school after school that it happened. And so they wanted to trigger another meltdown they was throwing stuff at me. A coke can,Crisp rappers and literal rocks. I got so angry about the rocks I threw one back but missed. And then it was embarrassing. I was actually walking home with someone that day because she lives on the street next to me and she decided to go home another way without me.

That was my last straw.
I went home that night and tried to hang myself.

I've attempted several times since and a lot more tragic things have happened to me.

But I still even though it's been years am effected by all the things that happened from 8-12

Since the incident some of the people who lied about me with that girl came out that they were "forced" to say that stuff by her. But they never apologised to me personally and only really said it to gain sympathy for themselves. Meanwhile my reputation was ruined. Grown ass adults hated my guts. Because they said I did things that were that bad. Still to this day people I were close with hate me for what I supposedly did.

 

[melancholy&somejoy]

Oddly enough (for the first attempt) it was something quite insignificant.

I was alrealdy completly sure that i wanted to die in the week, so today or tomorow wouldn't change anything would it ?
That day i saw someone i viewed as my best friend, offer stickers to the girl that he knew bullied me, my other friend wouldn't talk to me for no apparent reason and i had a test i hadn't revised for.
All this pushed me over the edge and i went to the locker retreive my pills (saddly the pills i took were paracetamol and i thought i would immediatly die, i waited waited and realised that it would take a week for it to desintegrate my liver)

The second time i attempted, the thing that pushed me over the edge was my uncle telling me that if i really wanted to die, if i was really depressed, i wouldn't just self harm, i would jump off the window. That really made me decide that i would try again.

Thank you for posting an interesting question.

Wow, your uncle is a shithole, hopefully you are not in close contact with him anymore… i am curious though, how did your second attempt go?

 

[Dot]

The two people in the world that I truly cared about both left me. They aren't dead, they just stopped talking to me essentially and left. I had no contact, didn't go to school with them anymore as they were both two years older than me. When the second one left I sliced up both my sides deciding that I didn't deserve a painless death and that I would "die a death of 1000 cuts". I got to about fourty, nothing was bleeding and I gave up because it clearly was not going to work the way I intended.

U tlk abt school -- hw old r u

 

[rabid_aspie_yokai]

It was an impulsive desidion... An argument broke out about school, and I just ran away from home with my switchblade

 

[ratlover223]

There were a lot of situations leading up to attempting.

I was sexually assaulted in sophomore year of high-school from my senior classmate in JROTC who was waiting to take advantage of me since freshman year (he liked to prey on freshmen girls). Then I came clean to my (now ex) boyfriend that I cheated in a previous relationship and that I regretted it because I couldn't live with the guilt that I betrayed someone even though he did not love me. After I told him, he continued to make me feel like shit and told me to do what I do best and fuck someone else and once I do, tell him and he will cut me out of his life. He mentioned how the only reason he did not cut ties with me sooner was because he did not want to seem like the asshole to our friend group. He called me a depressed shit stain and I only complain about my life while ruining the mood.

On October 1st, I attempted by taking all of my antidepressants (Wellbutrin) and I ended up in the hospital. I feel horrible. Every time I felt like I was getting better, I start to remember how I am not successful in anything and I'm just below average. My ex is what pushed me over the edge and I tried to commit but it failed. Since then, I felt like a failure. I feel like I am too slow to function and I feel like I am getting worse everyday. I acted on impulse because I couldn't live with myself.

 

[parader]

i can't even remember i was so drunk both of the "serious" times when i ended up in the ICU
but i guess it wasn't anything major or super specific, i can get suicidal pretty easily and drinking makes any impulsive urge worse

 

[borderline-feline]

My first suicide attempt happened when I was 12. I overdosed on antidepressants (I also drank a bottle of OTC cough syrup) and ended up projectile vomiting. I did it because I felt confused and guilty after being violently raped by an 18-year-old. I didn't have a good understanding of consent since he'd been molesting me for 2 years at that point. I thought that bodily reactions (like orgasms) were indicative of consent, so I thought at the time that I must've wanted what happened to me. It compounded on top of losing my mother earlier in the year and starting puberty, both of which were extremely traumatic for me.

Until now, I'd only told the story of that OD to my psychiatrist, and I didn't tell him until I was 16 and had been sexually assaulted by a stranger. That was when I learned about how consent actually works. I tried slitting my wrists after I was assaulted at 16. I felt guilty because I wasn't able to say no. In fact, I wasn't able to say anything. I froze up until I was able to grab a rock from the ground and hit the guy in the head with it, causing him to let go of me. When I tried telling a teacher back then about what happened, I was laughed at.

 

[Dainhla]

I attempted suicide last year. There were so many factors. In first place, I had several family problems. They were really getting worse from day to day, no matter how many times my parents promised me that those things wouldn't happen again.

My father has always been a really jealous and aggressive person. My mother is some way attached to him, even though she gets serious injuries because of her "love and confidence that one day he will change" . Omg I had never experienced so much aversion towards something. Now I can't believe in love. It's a shitty thing that only makes you blind.

The thing is that the discussions about a supposed cheating from my mother were starting to get physical by that time. My father has always been a heavy drinker and when he drank he became another person. When he wasn't jealous or drank, he was very nice. That's why I just kept naïvely believing that some day things would get better. But they didn't.

One of the things that I think that might have affected me was that my father tried to commit suicide in front of us. A day when he was drank, because he said that he couldn't handle a life of lies anymore. He took the biggest and sharpest knife in my house and aimed directly to his throat. My mother sacrificed her hand taking the knife form the blade and struggling with his great force. My two little sisters and I tried to help and finally he ended by giving up in his attempt 'cause my mother's hand was bleeding a lot. She didn't go to the hospital because she was afraid of revealing the cause of her injuries.

From then onwards, the fights started to worsen. My father, although he wasn't drank, started hitting my mother and in consequence us -my sisters and I- because we tried to help him to calm him self.

We we were also having economic problems, because both of my parents weren't working, so we depended entirely of economic aids given by the government.

I also started questioning all my efforts. I wasn't going to achieve anything in life, because I was born miserable and I was going to die miserable.

I was such a good student by that time. I almost always had the best mark in every exam. Those efforts started when I entered high school, because I believed in a future that I will never reach.

I thought that by working hard, eventually, all my wishes would come true. I was so wrong.

And when I finally realised that I wouldn't be happy in my entire life, because socio-economic conditions wouldn't let me live my dream, I entered such an anxiety crisis that I refused to live one more second.

The reality was so dark. I couldn't handle it. I realised that I had been lying to myself my entire life. I always had suicide as an option. I don't know since when, but I can clearly remember that I started having death wishes and suicidal thoughts since 8 or 9. Always the plan B.

8 April, a Friday morning at school. I had previously taken a bunch of razor blades from my father razor kit. That morning was supposedly the last one with my father living on our house, 'cause after two entire weeks of constant fights during day and night (meaning that I only slept about 3 or 2 hours each day) I suggested my father to leave the house and even though I told him that that decision was only in order to give each of them (my mother and my father) some time for themselves, he took my advice very negatively. He just couldn't keep his mouth shut each time that he looked at me. Always offended, always the victim of the situation, that was his role.

I felt so bad. For every single thing. That year I made my parents spent a lot of money in my birthday present. A super expensive tablet to start as a graphic artist. I was the cause of his leaving, the cause of everything.

And that morning he just showed me all the things that I provoked. All the money that he spent in me, just to only receive rejection form me. And he also told me that I was probably going nowhere with that tablet, that I would never reach my dreams. Because I was just going to repeat the same errors that they did.

All my dreams cracked with the impact to reality. I wasn't going nowhere because I had even no money to pay school, how could I pay my university career?

I would have to work hard, just like them, and convince myself that one day luck would hit me .

I was so terrified of future, so hopeless. So I just entered class early in the morning and let my school bag there, with a little note inside my agenda.

I entered the last toilet stall and started cutting my wrists. But I failed. I was in there like 4 hours trying to go deeper into the already opened wounds. Nobody noticed my class skip so I just went into a empty class and started thinking about how to jump form the window to die. The school had only three floors. It wasn't enough but I needed to try.

The headmaster entered the class and saw me there, staring into the big window.

She told me to come out. I just didn't want to return to my class after having skipped the 4 first hours, so I planted myself in front of the closed door, deciding what to do, while tears threatened to appear.

The headmaster approached me and asked if I was okay. I wanted so badly to roll up my jumper sleeves at that moment and show the deep but not deep enough cuts in both of my wrists. And just cry. And let everything around me turn black. But I didn't.

I lied that I wasn't feeling okay and asked to call my mom, so I could go home. I went to the nursery and of course the nurse noticed that I wasn't feeling okay but that it wasn't due to the period.

When my parents arrived, I entered the car and show my open and still bleeding wounds, while letting myself tear apart, crying without repression, crying as I had never cry. My mother started also crying and repeating 'no, no, no...'. She didn't want to accept the fact that I tried to CTB.

My father tried to retain his tears and asked me if I wanted to be treated in the hospital, but he also remarked me the consequences that that would bring. He being in prison and my mother without our custody, due to her allowance of letting us be hit by him.

I didn't want my sisters rising in a broken family, I didn't want my sisters to live in separate foster families.

So I opted to refuse going to the hospital. My parents treated my wounds and promised me again that the situation wouldn't repeat again

I was obliged to lie to my "friends" (I name them like that because they aren't really my friends, I just stay in their group doing nothing, just to keep the teachers happy, so they don't bother me with that bullshit of trying to socialise), I also lied to my tutor that noticed the scars when the summer arrived.


This year, things go well. There aren't much family problems so frequently, but when there are they are super strong and hard to handle. I started to cut my wrists just to train in case I decide to end my life in a hurry again.

By these days, I had entered a very low phase of my life. I don't know why. I can claim that this time there aren't any problems, but I feel so damn sad and hopeless without reason that I just want to give up on everything.

I decided to end my life next year. That way I can find a more effective and painless method to CTB. I thought about buying N, or having a drug overdose, or maybe just jumping from the tallest building in my city. I'm looking forward to buy N, but I don't find any reliable web.

But I had made up my mind. After bachelor I don't have any opportunity. I just need to stay strong in my decision. I've already written my suicide letter.

I mean, the reasons are more but maybe I can't really put them separately as reasons. It's like the mix of them what push you to the edge. And the necessity of leaving the pain behind, I think that's one of the main reasons. To escape a constant pain that follows you everywhere you go.

 

[LadyAlastor]

Well if we're talking about the first time I ever attempted suicide what made me do it was my abuse of a family consistently fighting consistently beating me with a belt for wetting the bed just a constant cycle of abuse and I just couldn't take it anymore i'd go into more detail but i'd rather not but that's the first time I attempted suicide and that's what made me attempt suicide originally at least In my teenaged years was my trauma and my family.

Now it's that plus a whole bunch of other reasons.

My preferred method is hanging.
But with me being in a suicide pact the method for all of us would be charcoal suicide.

 

[shantyizlit]

I have severe insomnia. One night I only slept for 1 hour and I just cracked. I took a long train ride to a place I knew I could jump from, but when I ended up standing up there I was just so much more afraid of the singular final act of jumping rather than living the rest of my life in complete misery, my legs turned to jelly and I was figuratively shitting bricks. I started smoking weed again and my sleep became much better.
I don't even know if that's supposed to be an attempt or not but I definitely had the clear intent of doing it. I don't think I could be sitting here writing this today if I had jumped though.

 

[spøgelse]

hopelessness. just wanting to get it over with. i was just fed up.

 

[carac]

Chronic and debilitating pain, no hope in sight, no help from the health services. Kept building up to it practicing and postponing over the space of about a month or two then finally decided enough is enough.

 

[Stormy Raine]

Well if we're talking about the first time I ever attempted suicide what made me do it was my abuse of a family consistently fighting consistently beating me with a belt for wetting the bed just a constant cycle of abuse and I just couldn't take it anymore i'd go into more detail but i'd rather not but that's the first time I attempted suicide and that's what made me attempt suicide originally at least In my teenaged years was my trauma and my family.

Now it's that plus a whole bunch of other reasons.

My preferred method is hanging.
But with me being in a suicide pact the method for all of us would be charcoal suicide.

I'm so sorry you have to experience that, and I can relate, I use to wet the bed and get beat for it too. It's unfortunate the people that harmed us will never understand the mental trauma they we will forever live with! Society labels us as mentally I'll because we get tired of living with these memories and find navigating through life difficult and want to shove medicine down our throats and forbid we want to ctb they they want to lock us up in psych hospitals. Sometimes I wonder who really is crazy?? I'll be happy when all of us can finally have peace and exit this hell on earth!

Chronic and debilitating pain, no hope in sight, no help from the health services. Kept building up to it practicing and postponing over the space of about a month or two then finally decided enough is enough.

Chronic pain is very difficult to deal with, it's that hidden pain people don't understand. And sometimes the pharmacist treat you like you're a drug addict when you simply want your medication.

 

[LadyAlastor]

I'm so sorry you have to experience that, and I can relate, I use to wet the bed and get beat for it too. It's unfortunate the people that harmed us will never understand the mental trauma they we will forever live with! Society labels us as mentally I'll because we get tired of living with these memories and find navigating through life difficult and want to shove medicine down our throats and forbid we want to ctb they they want to lock us up in psych hospitals. Sometimes I wonder who really is crazy?? I'll be happy when all of us can finally have peace and exit this hell on earth!

Chronic pain is very difficult to deal with, it's that hidden pain people don't understand. And sometimes the pharmacist treat you like you're a drug addict when you simply want your medication.

the chronic and debilitating pain is something my wife is going through, She has a lot of nerve issues And I believe sciatica just shit in general makes it hard for her to walk the fact that she's able to walk the way she does is incredible it's like I always tell her "you have Darth Vader syndrome even though you're able to walk the way you are every step is agony"
I don't think I've ever seen anyone on this planet and more agony than her quite literally I am legitimately surprised she does not have the force.
That and her mental issues take a toll on her as it does all of us.
So the suicide pact promise is the least I could have done, I know she suffering I know I'm suffering but just mentally severely mentally but her she's suffering on a physical and mental level In fact a physical level I can't remotely comprehend.

If it wasn't her I really wouldn't be here, She found me when I was at my absolute worst after almost 12 years of being in a relationship and being separated for 2 only for her to come back to see me and shambles ready to end everything giving it another shot to end it, and she just stopped me and said "hold on let's talk this out I know I can't talk you out of killing yourself but I can definitely talk you into having some time with me"

Granted I had a boyfriend during that time he did help me keep from ending it much earlier but when she came back she extended the timer she wanted to suicide but she doesn't wanna live I don't wanna live my boyfriend definitely doesn't wanna live he has his Reasons, So here we are just busting our ass toiling to the bone making as much money as we can to get that To that final destination wherever it may be and that final home may it be a house or an apartment it's more than likely going to be an apartment , Live out those years as happy as possible and when that day comes die Happily together .

It's funny to be honest because I told a friend of mine and now they want to join and I'm like "woah Buddy hold on That went from 0 to 100 really fucking quick !"

So yeah now I'm going through that.

 

[carac]

I'm so sorry you have to experience that, and I can relate, I use to wet the bed and get beat for it too. It's unfortunate the people that harmed us will never understand the mental trauma they we will forever live with! Society labels us as mentally I'll because we get tired of living with these memories and find navigating through life difficult and want to shove medicine down our throats and forbid we want to ctb they they want to lock us up in psych hospitals. Sometimes I wonder who really is crazy?? I'll be happy when all of us can finally have peace and exit this hell on earth!

Chronic pain is very difficult to deal with, it's that hidden pain people don't understand. And sometimes the pharmacist treat you like you're a drug addict when you simply want your medication.

It's quite complicated so I won't go into it and I have mentioned it before here but I am a lot better now and believe I was suffering from something known as mind body syndrome. Basically it's real physical pain and sypmtons but it originates in the brain, it's related to unresolved trauma. The reason I mention it is because I've done a lot of work pinpointing my trauma and I've realised it's all anxiety based around problems I have with my bladder. I wet the bed a few times when I was very young but generally my family were good to me. Later when I was 18 I started to develop really bad trouble, it was like an anxious ocd thing, all the time I felt like I needed to go and if I went it just made it worse, it was really hell and the doctors couldn't find anything. Eventually, after about 7 years I learned to control it and live with it but now I have a big fear about going out and get extremely anxious if there isnt a toilet around.

It's going well at them moment though and I can say right now I'm pretty happy. All this stuff I have had to figure out all by myself and it has literally taken me decades.

the chronic and debilitating pain is something my wife is going through, She has a lot of nerve issues And I believe sciatica just shit in general makes it hard for her to walk the fact that she's able to walk the way she does is incredible it's like I always tell her "you have Darth Vader syndrome even though you're able to walk the way you are every step is agony"
I don't think I've ever seen anyone on this planet and more agony than her quite literally I am legitimately surprised she does not have the force.
That and her mental issues take a toll on her as it does all of us.
So the suicide pact promise is the least I could have done, I know she suffering I know I'm suffering but just mentally severely mentally but her she's suffering on a physical and mental level In fact a physical level I can't remotely comprehend.

If it wasn't her I really wouldn't be here, She found me when I was at my absolute worst after almost 12 years of being in a relationship and being separated for 2 only for her to come back to see me and shambles ready to end everything giving it another shot to end it, and she just stopped me and said "hold on let's talk this out I know I can't talk you out of killing yourself but I can definitely talk you into having some time with me"

Granted I had a boyfriend during that time he did help me keep from ending it much earlier but when she came back she extended the timer she wanted to suicide but she doesn't wanna live I don't wanna live my boyfriend definitely doesn't wanna live he has his Reasons, So here we are just busting our ass toiling to the bone making as much money as we can to get that To that final destination wherever it may be and that final home may it be a house or an apartment it's more than likely going to be an apartment , Live out those years as happy as possible and when that day comes die Happily together .

It's funny to be honest because I told a friend of mine and now they want to join and I'm like "woah Buddy hold on That went from 0 to 100 really fucking quick !"

So yeah now I'm going through that.

Sorry to hear about your wife, please read my above reply tp Stormy. I know how insulting it is to tell someone that "pain is in your head" but this is not that. It's about pain being very real but steming from the brain. I would really recommend checking out a guy called Dr Sarno and TMS. At first I'm sure your wife will be really enraged at the idea but you just need to give it time and explore the work and it could really help, it saved my life.