What led you to the decision of CTB?

[Catching_the_bus]

At the age of 10 years old I realized through repeated trauma and abuse that this world has no meaning other then torture so I decided at that age that I wanted to Ctb... 14 years later I still feel just as strongly if not even stronger that I have no place in this world. These past 14 years have consisted of constant torture brought on by doctors and family members who want to "help me" in reality all they have done is prolong my suffering. A lot of people believe that if you Ctb you are going to "Hell" In my opinion this life, this world, and this existence IS "hell".... That's just my personal feelings and experience... I am curious as to what leads others to the point of CTB... What was your reason for turning to CTB?

 

[Dying Alive 00]

Misplaced trust in others; stupidly relying on others; anxiety; depression; grief; sadness; apathy; fear of the future

 

[Viranamari]

It's cruel that you had to go through trauma let alone repeated trauma. Personally, I desire to CTB since I have some bad depression due to brain chemicals. Unfortunately, therapy doesn't work and I've yet to start medication. I hope things get better for you. It is true that this world is hell.

 

[Memoka]

No tragic story. I just don't feel anything. Well, maybe there was something unpleasant in childhood, but I don't remember anymore.

 

[incorporationated]

Family issues, but now I no longer wish to CTB as I'm moving in with a friend in a few months, so it's all good. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that though. I hope you find peace and happiness however that may come to you.

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Same really, decades of abuse and disappointment and torture

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case wishing for suicide is just a logical response to wanting to escape from the curse that is existing where we are destined to suffer and deteriorate from age, I've never wished to exist at all.
I have no desire to be trapped inside this flesh prison where there is unlimited potential to be tortured by it, life in itself is the true problem as it's the cause of all suffering, and I could never wish to exist in this chaotic world filled with risks and potential for harm. The existence of life certainly is something that disgusts me and I could never see existence as being worth enduring, simply just existing makes non existence feel like the most appealing option, I despise something so futile and unappealing as existing so I wish for the peace that only eternal sleep could bring.

 

[CellarBoy]

I have felt like killing myself since the age of 6. I, myself, can not remember anything that happen back then, but the documents are often used by psychiatrists and therapists, and it's something they often speak about. I've dealt with heartbreak and family issues since before then, I was kinda born into it. I made my first attempt at 8. 10 years later, I'm still standing, but not for much longer.

 

[SilentSadness]

I suppose that at first my suicidal ideation was brought on by material problems, now though I am long over the shallow torments that life offers. I truly want death, it is after all a rational conclusion to the massive suffering I experience. The trauma you have went through must be unspeakably horrific and could only be made worse by repulsive and mindless doctors. I have so wished to ctb for such a long time and I only haven't due to a lack of method. I sincerely hope you find peace though.

 

[Blackroom_57]

Severe mental illness that destroyed my life. Schizoaffective disorder. Only occurs in 0.3% of the population. I hate my fucking life and I wish I was never born. Fuck god for making this shit fucking world where some of us just suffer everyday.

 

[Illidan77]

a lot of events from long time ago, well kinda connected in way.. but in short, mental disorder, addiction, lack of self agency, skill, experience but I might could give it a try (not sure) so sum up to just tired and ctb is what I want.

 

[thankyou]

Also wanted to die around the same age. Attempted at age 12. Also for similar reasons. I feel like we just didn't win the genetic lottery, whether it was health or the parents we were stuck with. How people can have kids without knowing basic child psychology is beyond me. I've experienced torture my entire life, and now I'm a dysfunctional adult with no hope. That's why. Im not well adjusted enough to live a quality life. And yes I've tried years of psychiatric help to no avail. So yes I've lost all hope. Nothing about my life is going to make the pain of getting old worth it. It's just going to be more pain.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I became suicidal at the same age as you- 10. Things just felt SO bad at that point- I just REALLY wanted out. I think that after I accepted those thoughts as valid and accepted CTB as a valid solution- it's always been there as an option.

I suppose I've never found a terribly convincing reason to make me want to live- I'm really only here out of a sense of obligation not to hurt others plus- a fear of the actual act. CTB has long become the go-to thought over just about any problem in life. Something shit happens and while I know I'll need to find some half baked compromise of a solution to try and patch over it and move on- I simply don't want to. I'd much rather just free myself of the whole long saga of problems lying in wait for me ahead.

 

[BlackWednesday]

I came to the realisation that the reality of my life will never be what I want it to be.

 

[Alfarooq]

I have finally decided to make the decision to CTB. I would much appreciate if anyone would give me an assisted suicide method in the UK. I have let people down so much, I keep making mistakes, I am too dumb for this world, everyone around me is succeeding in life except for me, I will not make it in this world at all. I will never succeed or be able to do what I always wished to do. So what's the point of living? Life is for those who are able to make use of themselves. Those who have a good future in their life. Those people deserve to live. I don't. I have no motivation and no chance of success. It's not like I deserve to live anyway. This 6 months lasting depression is all my fault. I need someone to tell me the best way to CTB.

 

[sadjenny]

I will never be able to create for myself the life I dream about, and I wish to no longer be a financial burden.

 

[leavingsoon99]

My decision comes after years and years of delusional thinking about life. I finally see what life is, and what humans are. I was totally delusional about what I would be able to do in life, and set out for a world that doesn't (and perhaps never has and will never...) exist. I'll never be happy, because I'll never have the life I want. And, honestly, I just wanted a simple life. But this world abhors simple. It hates peace. It's toxic. It's evil. The human has turned life into a pointless competition for nothing. EVERYTHING is a fucking competition. I'm just tired of trying to see the good in an evil situation. I'm tired of trying to lie to myself into healing from the many traumatic experiences that have happened to me in my life. I'm tired of trying to strive for a life that can never be achieved. I'm tired playing a game that's designed for my failure. I'm tired of having to deal with humans and pretend that they're not greedy, evil, lying, slightly high-functioning primates. I'm tired of trying to give this life meaning. I'm tired of trying to jumpstart my spirit after life has crushed it too many times to count. Life has shown me one thing... I'm not wanted nor welcome in it. So, I'm finally going to oblige it and leave.

I'm tired.

 

[tiredangelgirl]

Severe mental illness that destroyed my life. Schizoaffective disorder. Only occurs in 0.3% of the population. I hate my fucking life and I wish I was never born. Fuck god for making this shit fucking world where some of us just suffer everyday.

(if you don't mind answering) what does this disorder feel like and how does it effect your daily life? do you have any reading or site recommendations with more info on it? I like to inform myself of lots of disorders and I don't know much about this

this world isn't fair and i'm sorry you're dealing with this. disorders and conditions are tough cause we never get a damn break from them
i've had mental health issues from a young age but i've felt glimpses of happiness so i've tried the therapy, medications, healthy eating, lifestyle changes etc. I truly think my mental health alone is ROUGH but it isn't bad enough to be my main reason to ctb. i'm bipolar so the crippling depression eventually passes.

Definitely money troubles, I budget well and work a full time job but was recently hospitalized again (im a type 1 diabetic) and just got another bill in the mail for $1500. my boyfriend recently really hurt me (basically digital cheating if anyone is curious of details.) it hurts like fuck. my self esteem i've worked so hard on is completely gone. I haven't been able to look in the mirror. I get even more anxiety now leaving the house because I just feel disgusting and horrible about myself. I've had SI consistently for over a year now so at this point it seems like a solid, sound minded choice. The boyfriend bs was just the cherry on top and last push I needed.

purchased my sn several days ago so it should be here soon. god I can't wait to be gone from this horrible place

 

[Sparr0w]

laziness.
well, originally my 12 year old self realised i couldn't be the angel everyone said i was as a kid, and decided that that + lack of grief (read: autism) meant i was a monster who should die.

but i... am sick and tired of doing school and uni to maybe get a job i'll work for 40 years, and i'm so lazy (depressed, but also just laziness lol) that i don't want to study or get a part-time job, and i barely force myself to do my assignments n shit. i just want to sleep forever.

 

[Blackroom_57]

(if you don't mind answering) what does this disorder feel like and how does it effect your daily life? do you have any reading or site recommendations with more info on it? I like to inform myself of lots of disorders and I don't know much about this

this world isn't fair and i'm sorry you're dealing with this. disorders and conditions are tough cause we never get a damn break from them
i've had mental health issues from a young age but i've felt glimpses of happiness so i've tried the therapy, medications, healthy eating, lifestyle changes etc. I truly think my mental health alone is ROUGH but it isn't bad enough to be my main reason to ctb. i'm bipolar so the crippling depression eventually passes.

Definitely money troubles, I budget well and work a full time job but was recently hospitalized again (im a type 1 diabetic) and just got another bill in the mail for $1500. my boyfriend recently really hurt me (basically digital cheating if anyone is curious of details.) it hurts like fuck. my self esteem i've worked so hard on is completely gone. I haven't been able to look in the mirror. I get even more anxiety now leaving the house because I just feel disgusting and horrible about myself. I've had SI consistently for over a year now so at this point it seems like a solid, sound minded choice. The boyfriend bs was just the cherry on top and last push I needed.

purchased my sn several days ago so it should be here soon. god I can't wait to be gone from this horrible place

Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder is known as the cancer of mental illness for a reason. The more florid symptoms (delusions, hallucinations) are what people typically think of when they hear schizophrenia. However, that's only the tip of the iceberg. There's negative symptoms that include anhedonia, avolition, and apathy that ruin people. Difficulties in maintaining trains of thought and speaking coherently are also issues. It's also progressive.

Progressive brain abnormalities in schizophrenia across different illness periods: a structural and functional MRI study - Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is a chronic brain disorder, and neuroimaging abnormalities have been reported in different stages of the illness for decades. However, when and how these brain abnormalities occur and evolve remains undetermined. We hypothesized structural and functional brain abnormalities...

www.nature.com

The brain damage starts in a small part of the brain then gradually spreads to the rest of the brain over the years. I myself have been disintegrating recently. All of my cognitive faculties are falling apart and I'm 23. What makes this disorder so cruel is that it strikes when people are just starting their lives. People come out of school with master's degrees and get sick and it's the beginning of homelessness and unemployment for the rest of their life. The medication for this condition only acts on certain receptors/neurotransmitters that are involved with the disease, and so people continue to be quite sick even while on medication. Also, the side effects of the medication tend to be so awful that many people stop taking them. People who are very sick and who KNOW they're sick will prefer to be sick because the medication is so awful. You're completely fucked if you have this disorder. It's a living nightmare. I can't hold a job anymore because of it. I feel only pain and confusion everyday and it's getting worse over time. I plan to kill myself before the summer ends. I'm out of time.