(Way too long, I know. No one's going to read. But I just need to get it out. So thank you SS for letting me ramble)
Here is what will keep me up for the next few nights.
For the last 8-10 months I've been submitting job applications for fully remote positions. When that didn't pan out, I started applying for hybrid jobs and a few fully on-site positions.
I'm extremely stubborn and have a tendency not to give up on things without exploring all possible solutions. So I put everything into finding another job before I commit to ctb.
I submitted 230 job applications and received a total of 12 callbacks. Six phone interviews and six video interviews.
Nothing came of those conversations until last week.
One of the companies wanted me to come on-site for an interview today. This was huge.
I previously did a Zoom interview with the hiring manager and if they still wanted me on-site, chances are I would be talking with the Director.
I did all my preparations. Meticulously picked out what to wear. Selected a few pieces of understated jewelry. Printed copies of my resume. Pulled out my most professional looking handbag. Spent far too much time selecting the right shade of nail polish. Practiced walking in heels again. It's been nearly 3 years! After lockdown, we wore jeans and tennis to the office.
I had to quickly get back into corporate mode.
Early this morning, the recruiter texted to say the interview needed to be postponed until later this week.
I was partly relieved because the weather will be better for the long drive and it gave me more time to practice my answers and work on improving my body language.
I'm naturally assertive and very demonstrative (I move my hands a lot when speaking), but this last year has taught me that as a minority female, I need to make myself smaller. I have to practice sounding meeker and appearing more submissive.
That's the only way white people feel "safe" in your presence.
I am trying not to fuck myself up with a botched suicide attempt. I'm trying to keep my house. I'm making one last effort to find the person I was a year ago.
The person who could buy whatever she wanted. The person who could make time to listen to OTHER people's problems and offer them money if they were struggling financially.
So fine. I'll shuck and jive this one time. My life depends on it.
As an aside, that was the primary reason for keeping my job as long as I did: I loved being able to help other people out financially. But when they started complaining that I wasn't giving enough... That my gifts weren't extravagant enough (or worse - saying that I was showing off), I was devastated. I lost all of my motivation.
Why couldn't they see that I was killing myself at this job for them? I would literally go through my phone calling people and asking if they needed money. I didn't feel worthy enough to keep it all to myself, and I was convinced that if I could keep helping people - then waking up at 4:30AM everyday would be worth it.
Anyway, back to the on-site interview.
I have this disgusting/annoying way of predicting the future and I got this sick feeling about the interview being postponed.
I went straight to my laptop and logged on to their LinkedIn page. At no time in the last few days have I been motivated to do this. But something led me directly to their LinkedIn after getting the text.
And what do I see? A profile for the person who was most responsible for my distress at my old job.
The person who went behind my back to management to suggest that I be removed from certain projects.
The person who found out that I struggled with misophonia and recruited several coworkers to deliberately provoke me with triggers.
The person who would tell new hires that I was mean and to avoid me. The person who would spread such horrible rumors that coworkers would come to me and be like, "I have to know... is this true?"
I was so relieved when he quit (he was going to be fired anyway so they gave him the option to resign).
As I'm looking at his profile, I prayed to myself, "Please don't let my position support his role... please don't let my position support his department..."
You already know that it does.
Just seeing his profile picture made me gag. The thought of running into him when I go to the interview made me feel weak.
I know how these things go. The manager probably noticed that we came from the same company and they're going to ask him about me. He's going to destroy any chance I have getting hired.
And even if he didn't, I cannot cope with working for him.
The one company that appeared to give me a chance...
This is an extremely long way of saying that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try - I will never have another opportunity to be happy or successful.
This is just ONE example of the kind of luck I have. I'd be stupid to think that a lifetime of these types of situations are going to suddenly change.
I would pay someone 10k to kill me now. I'd offer more but it's all I have left.
I collapsed on the garage floor, crying. Then I heard a bug rustling so I got up LMAO.
Please universe. Take me tonight.
