The biggest thing that keeps me going is my partner and the simple home life we've built together. We have an old cat that we enjoy caring for. Sometimes we joke, "She's so happy. At least we're doing something right." Building this little oasis in the cruel world helps us both manage.
In my darkest times I've felt resentful for this. I feel if I didn't have this relationship I would have ctb a long time ago. But, currently I'm feeling happy to have this little bit of joy for the time being.
I have struggled with the resentful feelings too. My husband is such a sweet and kind man, who strangely adores me. He would be devastated if I was gone. When I am at my lowest and feel actively, intensely suicidal and depressed I feel resentment towards him. At times he feels like a tether that keeps me shackeled to this world. I feel like such an evil person for saying that. Please dont misinterpret me, I do love and adore him. But I think he would be better off without me. After I lost my precious puppy in January, I couldnt help but think that if I hadnt gotten married to him I could be free now. Ellie was my reason for living, and with her having passed away, I would have been free to go with her if it wasnt for him. God that makes me sound fucking awful and ungrateful to say. He pushed me to adopt a deaf puppy a month after loosing Ellie. I was resentful of him and the puppy for several weeks. I actually stooped so low as to tell him I wanted to just foster the puppy until she found a new home. She is 6 months old now and I adore her, I no longer resent her or him for making me get her. But again, when I'm at my lowest, I see her as yet another tether he forced upon me to force me to stay here.
I sound like an ungrateful bitch, I know. And he would be devastated if he ever read these words, or any words Ive ever written here or in my journal. Its just hard when Im at my lowest to not feel resentful towards the things that guilt and keep me from ending it.