Discussion What keeps me from killing myself?

[52yoandmiserable]

What keeps me alive?

It used to be sex. But I haven't had an orgasm with my partner in several months now. I rarely even have one by myself anymore.

It used to be food. But now that I'm a diabetic all the food I like just makes me sicker without actually killing me.

It used to be the new friends I have made in my kinky group. But my current partner has made it quite clear that she is extremely jealous of the time and energy that I have been spending with them and not her.

So with no pleasurable things to look forward to and another probable 25 years of continuous suffering, what keeps me from killing myself?

Nothing but fear of punishment for "committing the unforgivable sin" and fear of hell or some other existence infinitely worse than this one.

It's a pretty shitty reason to force yourself to get out of bed and try to function in this entirely fucked up world. I am nothing but a disappointment to everyone, but especially myself.

My mirror isn't broken. I can't hide the truth from myself for long. Every day I have to face the fact that I am a fucking loser with no fucking courage. I can't live and I can't kill myself either.

So here I am, in some kind of limbo non-existence. Hoping and praying for some miracle painless quick death that in all reality doesn't fucking exist anyway.

Hoping and praying that one day, I will either work up the balls to face my fear or waiting for that last thing, the one more thing that will push me past the fear and make me kill myself.

What a pathetic, miserable fucking life!

I wish someone would put me out of my misery or give me that quick and painless release

 

[Aisley]

Before a bunch of people come in to critique your reasoning, I get it. Sex used to keep me alive, as well.

 

[tobby rabbit]

I'm so sorry for all the torture you are going through. The fact that you will be judged after being gone is terrible. It really feels like you can't even control your life, the last thing that's left after being helpless and tired to do something.
I hope you find some peace

 

[Darkover]

to answer the title question lack of peaceful method like N

 

[LeapYear]

For me what keeps me from ctb is my curiosity. I want to know what the future holds not only for me personally but also for humanity as a whole. I want to learn and discover new things about the world and our existence. So even if my life sometimes feels worthless and miserable the wish to see the future keeps me from ending my life.

As for your reasoning to stay alive you said it yourself. It´s a shitty reason. Fear is not a good adviser when it comes to ctb. I don´t know about your religious believes but if there´s a god then he gave you free will. And when ending your life is what you truly want then even god will have to respect your decision. As long as you are not harming anyone else you should be free to do whatever you desire and an irrational fear of hell should not keep you from living and dying self-determined.
And also I don´t want to argue your believes but I find it to be unlikely that there will even be an existence after your current one. you should keep in mind that when you ctb, you and your consciousness will likely just seize to exist.

 

[MrDarkness]

It's good to see why you still want to live, no shame in that, it's nice to see some posts of people wanting to continue, honestly I believe there is life after death, we have a soul, if you believe that, but even then if there isn't, I won't know because my brain is dead lol

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here, I personally see death as being the only relief as I believe we just cease existing, the only hell is this world where there is unlimited potential to suffer endlessly, to me anything related to religion is a fictional concept designed to brainwash people.