Discussion What is your worst difect?

[Sad Avocado]

Honestly I have many difects but my worst one that I found out recently is that I'm actually a good gaslighter. I found out while lying about SN to my friend. I was happy in that moment that I doged a bullet but now I feel really sad about this, even though I only did it to defend myself.

 

[ChronicallyCynical]

• One of them is definitely my inability to trust. Even when people give me compliments, even when part of me wants to believe those compliments, another part of me thinks "oh, they're just saying that", "they pity you", "it's their good deed for the day".
• Another is that I'm surprisingly good at just kind of finding a lie on the spot. It's pretty miserable after the fact, and, of course, now there's another thing to keep track of that's entirely fictional, but yeah. I shouldn't be a distrustful liar. It feels hypocritical. I'm a hypocrite. A piece of shit. A bitch.
• Also, I'm incredibly jaded, snarky, and vindictive. I may caution about revenge, but fall into the trap of trying to get it way too often.
• I've yet to forget a broken-up friendship, and these ex-friendships keep haunting my brain. As such no matter how much I try to push it away, I also sort of obsess over it, even if unintentionally, and struggle to fully part with it, or get over it and move along.
• Also there will be times when I'm unable to speak. When suddenly, inexplicably, I can't say anything for a period of time, and once it passes I feel ashamed. Sometimes it is accompanied by a complete mind-blank. And, just in general, my ability to communicate, control my voice and expressions is shite. I've come to hate it all, and it makes irl interaction and speaking that much more exhausting. After class presentations, roleplays, etc. I would feel like I wanted to just fall asleep and never wake up. Took me weeks to tell my boss I plan on quitting every time I needed to quit for one reason or another.
• I don't seem to be able to remain in one job for more than a year before I come to almost sort of kind of feel traumatised by it, I guess? (idk what counts, so...)... like I'd slip out of consciousness somedays after or before work only to swear I could hear stuff from my job moving making familiar sounds that would make me jolt awake, terrified, like I just had a nightmare. Sometimes in the middle of the afternoon. Or when I couldn't tell if I was just hearing/mishearing things or not and it would slowly drive me up a wall, being unable to ask, but also unable to escape it. I would come to dread work the day before my next shift, pretty much every shift.
• I lose motivation way too quickly.
• I'm far too sensitive, and not in any good way. Too jumpy, too cowardly, struggle too much with criticism, easily annoyed, easily tear up, get too defensive, too fussy, etc.
• I'm a born quitter.

And I know you said "worst", sorta' of implying one, but another of my defects is that I can almost never choose just one of just about anything. Sorry.

 

[empty sighs]

You're not a gaslighter just because you didn't want to have your friend find out about you buying SN. You didn't want him to get upset, take you to the hospital and take the SN, or beg you not to do it. You're probably afraid and sad and scared. Most people would lie like you did, I would.

I know some people who I can't talk about my suicidal ideation with because some people don't know how to deal with it without flipping out. However I do want to say that for your own sake you should talk to your friends about how you've been feeling if you think you can trust them. Cause I think having a good friend to talk to can mean the world when life seems meaningless and like no one cares.

I guess to answer your question my greatest defect is probably.. everything?

 

[Amelie]

I guess it's my anger. But in some weird ways I enjoy being angry. When I'm actually in the midst of raging at something or someone I feel invincible, but in pain too,, it's weird.

 

[Sad Avocado]

You're not a gaslighter just because you didn't want to have your friend find out about you buying SN. You didn't want him to get upset, take you to the hospital and take the SN, or beg you not to do it. You're probably afraid and sad and scared. Most people would lie like you did, I would.

I know some people who I can't talk about my suicidal ideation with because some people don't know how to deal with it without flipping out. However I do want to say that for your own sake you should talk to your friends about how you've been feeling if you think you can trust them. Cause I think having a good friend to talk to can mean the world when life seems meaningless and like no one cares.

I guess to answer your question my greatest defect is probably.. everything?

No but like she found out about my SN but didn't jump to conclusions even though she already read the news about it so it was prety obvious. But I used the fact that she cares about me so much and trusts me with everything to lie about it and telling her that I bought it for an experiment. I'm happy I didn't end up in the hospital but yeah I feel so bad for doing this to the one of the three people that genuinely care about me

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I was born without a manual to the world and human interactions
I'm also a serial procrastinator

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Being unable to go through with CTB.