Discussion What is your situation with your loved ones?

[not_actually_human]

Discuss here: abandonment, guilt, shame, personality differences, and related.

Interesting that not only do the members here feel guilt and shame for their decision to ctb, about "what they're doing to the others", but some here seem rather (disappointingly, and) incredibly ignorant and engage in instilling shame in the vulnerable people here about the same too, a good fraction of whom have far greater capacity for guilt and shame than the normies.

All the members of my family are narcissists and lack the ability to love or care about me. It looks so bizarre, hopeless, and scary observing how their minds work from up-close. There was a very short period of dismay after realizing this, and breaking through my delusions about who they were. But now I feel very lucky, I can afford to fend off any guilt and feel free to go. It's not a reason for suicide for me, but I'm confident that a different situation with my family would have prevented me from being able to arrive where I have.

It must be incredibly difficult to consider CTB-ing if you believe that there's someone who loves you. Though that must be a rare thing for those who are both hypersensitive and questioning (distrustful) of people.
Abandonment plays a huge role in suicides. Just learning that someone who was supposed to love you does not pushes too many people to the edge.

 

[jodes2]

I think my mum has BPD, and I know my gf does. But other than that my family/loved ones have been pretty smooth sailing for me. I don't have much to complain about. It has definitely been responsible for putting a halt to my CTB, I can't do it to my gf.

 

[not_actually_human]

I think my mum has BPD, and I know my gf does. But other than that my family/loved ones have been pretty smooth sailing for me. I don't have much to complain about. It has definitely been responsible for putting a halt to my CTB, I can't do it to my gf.

That warms my heart. Hugs to all three of you <3

 

[jodes2]

That warmed my heart. Hugs to all three of you <3

Thank you sweetie, hugs for you too

 

[its-about-time]

I have people who love me. I certainly have people I love. I struggle to feel the connection though. I am aware of how much it will hurt them, and I continue to struggle to come to grip with that. It feels easiest when I convince myself that nobody really cares, but the reality is that they do—I just can't feel it emotionally, which is a big player in my suicidal desires… but they do, and they will hurt, and I must come to peace with that somehow. Perhaps by just choosing to live a life of suffering so they won't have to suffer. Or perhaps just radical acceptance that life is pain and they will learn to cope with it. I really don't know.

 

[BillyBob]

My parents and sister are pretty understanding about suicide and they are lovely. My brother sadly does not really fully understand suicide and thinks it is shellfish to CTB which sucks. But my faimly is loving and caring so that is all the really matters.

 

[outrider567]

None left--except my stepmother in NYC

 

[lili]

I don't really have a relationship with my parents. We don't talk. But I do love my brothers, and I always struggle with CTB just by thinking of leaving them as the eldest sister.
It's hard though because they don't live where I am. I miss them a lot. But I rarely get the chance to see them.

I live with my ex boyfriend and he loves me deeply, he'd do anything for me. But I don't love him back in a romantic way. But we have lived together for 7 years, so we have a deep connection and he is my best friend. However, I can't take this strange set up anymore I just really want to be gone. I wish he would understand.

I think that's it as far as my loved ones.

 

[fettuccinenoodle]

I don't really have a relationship with my parents. We don't talk. But I do love my brothers, and I always struggle with CTB just by thinking of leaving them as the eldest sister.
It's hard though because they don't live where I am. I miss them a lot. But I rarely get the chance to see them.

I live with my ex boyfriend and he loves me deeply, he'd do anything for me. But I don't love him back in a romantic way. But we have lived together for 7 years, so we have a deep connection and he is my best friend. However, I can't take this strange set up anymore I just really want to be gone. I wish he would understand.

I think that's it as far as my loved ones.

Can you not leave? Or is it hard to? Or is it your place?

 

[Forever Sleep]

My Dad is the last person I am hanging on for. Kind or ironic seeing as he's 50% the reason I am alive and brutally honestly could have done things differently to shield me from (what I am convinced was a) narcissist growing up. To be fair though- that was partly my fault for not telling him what was going on and also a bit of naivity that 'love would overcome' everything else from him. We do love each other very much though, so for now, I feel like I have to keep going.

After him, I think I will feel free enough to go. I'm largely estranged from everyone else. I still worry and hate it when I think about how some people will react but MY pain is growing too and maybe one day it will be bigger than anything else.

I read a great post on here the other day about having children (and apologies that I've forgotten the person's name.) That- if only parents put in as much emotional consideration into bringing a life into the world as we do when we contemplate CTB. That's not to say ALL parents don't think it through. Still, I guess I still wonder how anyone who REALLY thought it through would think it was a good idea! That's my pessimistic anti-natalist coming through though!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

My Dad is the last person I am hanging on for. Kind or ironic seeing as he's 50% the reason I am alive and brutally honestly could have done things differently to shield me from (what I am convinced was a) narcissist growing up. To be fair though- that was partly my fault for not telling him what was going on and also a bit of naivity that 'love would overcome' everything else from him. We do love each other very much though, so for now, I feel like I have to keep going.

After him, I think I will feel free enough to go. I'm largely estranged from everyone else. I still worry and hate it when I think about how some people will react but MY pain is growing too and maybe one day it will be bigger than anything else.

I read a great post on here the other day about having children (and apologies that I've forgotten the person's name.) That- if only parents put in as much emotional consideration into bringing a life into the world as we do when we contemplate CTB. That's not to say ALL parents don't think it through. Still, I guess I still wonder how anyone who REALLY thought it through would think it was a good idea! That's my pessimistic anti-natalist coming through though!

It's only moral luck after all that the majority of people are glad they were born.

 

[sevenkarmas]

I want to see my son one last time. I miss him terribly.

 

[HumansAreHell]

All the members of my family are narcissists and lack the ability to love or care about me. It looks so bizarre, hopeless, and scary observing how their minds work from up-close. There was a very short period of dismay after realizing this, and breaking through my delusions about who they were. But now I feel very lucky, I can afford to fend off any guilt and feel free to go. It's not a reason for suicide for me, but I'm confident that a different situation with my family would have prevented me from being able to arrive where I have.

I feel like I'm a very disillusioned person who is too stupid to learn. I don't think the few friends and family I have left are bad people, I just don't think they are capable of being there for others. I'm just not sure why I care so much for people who only make my life worse when I open up to them. They have taught me that I can't trust anyone, It's always my fault or I'm just too weak.

I'm always there for them when they need it and yet like an idiot I keep trying to open up when it never works. Earlier this year I tried opening up about the anniversary of my little brothers suicide and my gf asked if she was gonna have to deal with this every year. Now my best friends 1 year suicide anniversary is coming up in a month and I know I can't talk to them about it unless I want to hate myself more. A few of them even know I was suicidal at one point, I just don't talk about it anymore cause it upsets them too much even knowing I go onto websites like this to vent. Yet even knowing that these people never ask me how I'm doing even after my kid brothers death. I'm getting much worse too, I don't even point out or argue with them when they wrong me anymore just because I'm worried after I ctb that they will feel guilty about it. It's a frustratingly lonely world we live in, I just want the pain to stop but it only gets worse and I have no escape from it.

 

[not_actually_human]

I feel like I'm a very disillusioned person who is too stupid to learn. I don't think the few friends and family I have left are bad people, I just don't think they are capable of being there for others. I'm just not sure why I care so much for people who only make my life worse when I open up to them. They have taught me that I can't trust anyone, It's always my fault or I'm just too weak.

I'm always there for them when they need it and yet like an idiot I keep trying to open up when it never works. Earlier this year I tried opening up about the anniversary of my little brothers suicide and my gf asked if she was gonna have to deal with this every year. Now my best friends 1 year suicide anniversary is coming up in a month and I know I can't talk to them about it unless I want to hate myself more. A few of them even know I was suicidal at one point, I just don't talk about it anymore cause it upsets them too much even knowing I go onto websites like this to vent. Yet even knowing that these people never ask me how I'm doing even after my kid brothers death. I'm getting much worse too, I don't even point out or argue with them when they wrong me anymore just because I'm worried after I ctb that they will feel guilty about it. It's a frustratingly lonely world we live in, I just want the pain to stop but it only gets worse and I have no escape from it.

Surely, you don't want them to modify their behaviour to manipulate you right, that is, more than they already very much are.

Lean into your distrust. It's painful, but I find that it kills your ignorance-maintaining defence mechanisms.
Why not just accept their situation for what it is and leave them. Anger is the only appropriate emotion for who they are, not the shame or the self-directed anger - how you view them needs to be detached from your own needs.

I don't think the few friends and family I have left are bad people, I just don't think they are capable of being there

Self-invalidation and self-blame appear harmless in the isolated context of our own relationship with someone who puts us through neglect and abuse. But this way, globally, it's an indication that we're just avoiding taking responsibility for our own impact on the world. Acceptance of and enabling evil people is evil under any acceptable moral system. Seeing in gray is just an exercise in denying your own role in this reality. You're not necessarily doing this to avoid accountability because you don't care, in fact, I'm saying that people that care the most tend to be the most ignorant, because (above all) to learn that the world is unsafe is way too distressing.

If you're going to live, and I so encourage that you do. It's only moral that you find and love the people who deserve and need it. It's not too complicated to pick up on someone's emotional range, their core fears, and who they are - and decide if you want to love them.

In case that doesn't resonate, it's OK.
If changing your environment could make you want to continue to live, then please do so.

 

[HumansAreHell]

I think the hardest part of leaning into the distrust for me is that in a way it makes me feel like I'm letting the loneliness win. Like the pain of constant loneliness will never go away for the rest of my life. But you are absolutely correct that I need to detach my views of them and my needs.

Unfortunately meeting new people has been something of an impossibility for me. Not only do I lack social skills I don't care to talk to most people. It doesn't help that there isn't anywhere I can meet people. I've been done with school, will never be able to afford college and I've learned work is a place to never make friends. I've tried apps like meetup and tried making friends online but there is slim pickings even there. I haven't made a new friend in 10 years and I don't know how to change that.

I dream of changing my environment all the time. I really do want to but my only option is to live alone. I heavily consider it but the biggest downfall is I simply cannot afford it. With how bad the economy with rent and food prices through the roof I would have to dip into my saving every month to make ends meet. I might be able to last a few years like that and it's still tempting but after my saving run out ctb would be my only remaining option. I won't be able to get a better career than I have now and I simply cannot keep working close to 100 hours a week like I did for 7 years. My body cannot handle it anymore. It's a decision that I've been struggling with for some time. If I move out it's possible that maybe I could be content, definitely not certain. But if I stay where I'm at I'll be able to keep saving money to maybe have more of a future but at the cost of my health. I'm honestly not sure if either option is any good but I don't see any others open to me.

 

[actual_fox]

They are there for me- at least physically. That is lovely, ngl. Sorry to brag