Discussion What is your purpose of staying alive up until now?

[Aeselle]

I'm curious since this is a forum surrounding suicide, why is it that so many of you still continue living? What is your purpose to keep going until the day you do eventually decide to ctb?

Knowing that maybe I can try to understand and try to find more reason to live out this life before I ultimately do decide on the choice.

 

[Ash]

Looking after my dog as she won't be easy to re-home.

 

[iloverachel]

I have no purpose
I am alive because I don't want to upset my parents after they have worked so hard to raise me.
So i am kind of trapped in this hellish prison

 

[charredlettuce]

my partner, i don't want them to feel the pain i'm currently feeling when they grieve after my death. it feels selfish to pass the pain to them, another depressed person, instead of just hold onto that pain myself. if we ever break up though, that's probably it for me. i can't tell them that, of course, because i don't want to manipulate them into staying with me using a threat. but they really are the only thing keeping me alive right now.

 

[Aeselle]

I have no purpose
I am alive because I don't want to upset my parents after they have worked so hard to raise me.
So i am kind of trapped in this hellish prison

I totally get that too, it does hurt me to know that my parents dedicated their entire life to give me a better life so I feel selfish to think about dying.

 

[Forveleth]

I'm alive because all of my attempts have failed thus far and I need time to practice the new method so it has the best chance of working.

 

[cowboypants]

I am new here, but I have been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for over 20 years now.

Initially I was just a kid and soon after I had coping mechanisms in place.

Also, I didn't want to because of it leaving a bad impact on my family. And 90% I'm a scaredy-cat.

All I knew was hanging and that felt too traumatic, not only for me, for the people who find "me". I feel scared even thinking of that.

 

[FuneralCry]

This doesn't even make sense to me, I see no point, purpose or meaning to existence and I never would have chosen something so dreadful and undesirable as human existence rather I had this burden forced onto me. Existence was so harmfully imposed, I find it the most terrible tragedy how humans impose existence even know having the ability to exist is nothing more than meaningless suffering.

I just wish for eternal nothingness, I see no value in existing as a conscious being who is capable of suffering endlessly to the most extreme amounts with no straightforward way to just die in peace. I wish I never existed more than anything, I wish I stayed eternally unaware of the hellish abomination that is existence, I really wish this existence could be erased.

 

[divinemistress87]

SI and terrified of a failed attempt

 

[astonishedturnip]

My parents are still here.

I have trips planned I'd like to experience.

I have fanfics to finish and a backlog of games to play.

Holding out for the hope of meeting someone and starting a family.

That being said, if the store I am in is getting held up, I would 100% pretend to play to hero hoping to get shot lmao.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The main one has been so as not to upset loved ones. Beyond that, fear of the process of dying and possibly failing an attempt. Beyond that, my life has largely consisted of coping mechanisms. Being creative has been my major one. Things are especially bad now because that is doing less for me than it used to. Other than that, I just try to distract myself as much as possible with noise on in the background and alcohol to make me sleep at night. All while I tread water waiting for the last remaining person who I think my suicide would affect badly to go first. After which, I'll need to get my courage together to risk it.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Fear and lack of a peaceful method are the only things keeping me here. I hate that I missed my previous opportunities to get it over with when it could've been easier.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well it was because I held on hope that a crush likes me back but that's looking less and less likely by the day. If it weren't for her I should have CTB'd by February of this year.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Not much purpose other than cowardice.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm only alive because suicide methods are inaccessible or risky for me. I want to be dead but I also want to succeed in being dead instead of risking the chance of getting permanent injuries

 

[outrider567]

No purpose

 

[sserafim]

I'm only alive because suicide methods are inaccessible or risky for me. I want to be dead but I also want to succeed in being dead instead of risking the chance of getting permanent injuries

Same

 

[PointlessVoid]

To not leave anyone in financial debt. Each failed attempt I've had would have been financial (not emotionally) beneficial to those left behind. Also for me is the SI and not wanting to get it wrong. You read stories of it going wrong for people and you don't want that happening to you and becoming dependent on people for your survival

 

[AmericanMary]

Recently becoming self aware, figuring out I have no purpose and have contributed nothing to bettering the world, and am honestly just struggling in pain every day for no real reason is what partly lead me to CTB. The only thing holding me back is slow shipping times.

 

[BlendedHeart]

No purpose. Life is mostly meaningless to me. Aversion to pain, SI, fear of failing, the usual stuff keeps me around.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I'm only alive because suicide methods are inaccessible or risky for me. I want to be dead but I also want to succeed in being dead instead of risking the chance of getting permanent injuries

Me too

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

SI is the reason I'm still alive.

 

[Final Fantasy]

I have books that I want to read and video games that I want to play and finish. I just haven't found the time for either. GTA VI and Cyberpunk 2 are the only 2 games that I can see delaying my time to ctb

 

[BardBarrie]

Literally just the fear of the trauma and pain associated with suicide.

 

[Blahblahlah]

Thinking about life after I'm in my dream uni in a big city doing smth I want to, which my parents are not supportive of, if I can overcome this I'll take that as a sign that everything will work out in the end and my life will go a good direction if I just get over with this. Maybe not as ideal as I wanted, as in being a financially independent student, still after rotting in this shitty small town for so long just the idea of even moving away was soo exciting to me. As the time was coming closer I realised thinking about the future actually does makes me feel really passionate if it doesn't just remain a dream n I want to live. But thats the catch, people usually don't want to die, they want to not live a life they don't like.
And update, after a lot of quarrels with my parents, I managed to give my uni entrance test today which I thought I couldn't cuz like, desi parents are another level controlling, even as an adult child I don't think I've ever gone anywhere far alone before n the test was in whole another town. I thought everything will go well after this. I did really well in my mock tests too, I was sure I'm getting atleast a 97 in English and 90+ on average but idk how tf i managed to attempt only 70% worth of questions n I've never felt so soo ashamed at myself, even for disappointing the people around me.
Now I don't wanna do a nerdy course like accounting or management shit that my parents would force on me n theyre planning to not even send me to another city. Lol I'm not gonna keep living in this shitty room n country forever, studying smth n living a kind of life I don't want. Well I'm glad atleast I didn't get smth like 80-90% which would keep me hanging till the cutoffs are out n I can now guarantee myself I'm not getting into this uni n the thing that was giving me hope is now gone. I plan to do the ctb this month now. I can't bare to even think about the future and there's nothing else I'd figure out that I'd like and would be supported by my parents.

 

[Dark Moon]

I've attempted suicide before but it didn't work for me.

I just lack the options to die, there's only hanging and jumping available where I'm from, no SN, guns or N is available and the fear of failure. I have bouts of courage/bravery so hopefully I can attempt again in the future.

I'm also staying alive for GTA 6 and my family.

 

[Mi Mi]

I'm curious since this is a forum surrounding suicide, why is it that so many of you still continue living? What is your purpose to keep going until the day you do eventually decide to ctb?

Knowing that maybe I can try to understand and try to find more reason to live out this life before I ultimately do decide on the choice.

I haven't tested my sn yet.
I did have intentions to try to tie up some loose ends
Give people a little more time with me
But really I have no reason other than not testing and fear of failing

 

[F@#$]

I'm an idiot who loves misery. Apparently,I should have been dead years ago.

 

[Fantasy22]

Can't find a good method for me; mostly laziness. I wish it was easier to die everyone does it why is it so difficult

 

[Lost Impact]

trains here arent fast enough to get the job done quick.

im just wasting my time with meaningless interests and interactions until i find a method that won't just be another "attempt".