Callie
Walking Despair
- Aug 21, 2023
- 28
I just want to share how I get too impulsive when I'm having depressive episodes sometimes and I think something weird… but cool happened. So today just this afternoon, my boyfriend were nagging and scolding me again on how I'm being a burden financially. I won't get into specifics but his words actually were too painful to bear that I think I got numb for a while as a coping mechanism. I didn't exactly know what I was feeling but the adrenaline was too high. I wanted to do something to occupy myself, I wanted to hurt myself more but I could not move.
Out of spite, I responded to a random job application I submitted a few days ago (out of spite too lol) for a virtual interview. I wasn't prepared at all, I didn't even know about the company or the position I applied for. It was just done to shut my boyfriend off as if I'm telling him, "see? I am trying my best." (Btw, I do have a job. It's just that the wage isn't as good as his)
Anyway, while on queue, I think I even had a de-realization because of how unfamiliar the situation was. Who are these people? Why am I here? Because of my social anxiety, I always prepare things mentally to make sure nothing goes wrong but there I was, so unaware of what's happening. But I didn't leave because my goal at that moment was to get scolded by a random stranger and to be told off and not waste someone's time. I really wanted to feel pain because of the numbness.
Long story short, I passed the initial and final interviews. Funny thing is I couldn't even remember now how I did it. Every question, I answered. "Yes or no", "I'm okay with that…", I answered honestly to situational questions, and not long after, I got congratulated and they told me to wait until tomorrow for a job offer. The pay is nice too btw.
But the question of whether I'll accept it or not is a little meh… because who am I fooling? The probable reason why this even happened was because I was so numb that I was able to fake everything. But what would happen if I go back to my hopeless depressed self?
This was so weird for me because I pray for things like these to happen to me so I could at least be useful but lately, I received nothing but rejections, and failures, and when I was doing it out of spite, it happened. So it will still make me question myself whether I deserve it. Or is this some trick being played on me.
But it was cool too because even though I loathe myself, I can't help but feel a little amazed how I've done this. And out of just an impulsive action too. How can I apply whatever happened today on a daily basis?
Out of spite, I responded to a random job application I submitted a few days ago (out of spite too lol) for a virtual interview. I wasn't prepared at all, I didn't even know about the company or the position I applied for. It was just done to shut my boyfriend off as if I'm telling him, "see? I am trying my best." (Btw, I do have a job. It's just that the wage isn't as good as his)
Anyway, while on queue, I think I even had a de-realization because of how unfamiliar the situation was. Who are these people? Why am I here? Because of my social anxiety, I always prepare things mentally to make sure nothing goes wrong but there I was, so unaware of what's happening. But I didn't leave because my goal at that moment was to get scolded by a random stranger and to be told off and not waste someone's time. I really wanted to feel pain because of the numbness.
Long story short, I passed the initial and final interviews. Funny thing is I couldn't even remember now how I did it. Every question, I answered. "Yes or no", "I'm okay with that…", I answered honestly to situational questions, and not long after, I got congratulated and they told me to wait until tomorrow for a job offer. The pay is nice too btw.
But the question of whether I'll accept it or not is a little meh… because who am I fooling? The probable reason why this even happened was because I was so numb that I was able to fake everything. But what would happen if I go back to my hopeless depressed self?
This was so weird for me because I pray for things like these to happen to me so I could at least be useful but lately, I received nothing but rejections, and failures, and when I was doing it out of spite, it happened. So it will still make me question myself whether I deserve it. Or is this some trick being played on me.
But it was cool too because even though I loathe myself, I can't help but feel a little amazed how I've done this. And out of just an impulsive action too. How can I apply whatever happened today on a daily basis?
