There are so much reasons, external and internal, all connected and nesting with each others. My interest over things in general has decline over time, i used to be interest about psychology, philosophy, spirituality, science, etc.. but all that doesn't mean anything for me at this point and i'm not even able to read most of the books because of my debilitating short term memory and focus issue. I had been socialy alienated and feeling disconnected from people all my life wich drive me to feeling extremely lonely and in deep distress.
Despite that i had a fruitful social life from teenager until i lost it over time of isolation caused by people going away because of my depressive mood and myself being resentful to not get help from others. I'm extremely bad to have lost so much peoples. I used to make music and have the dream of becoming a respected artist, now i don't even do that. Do not have the motivation to do it anymore and lost sensitivity towars music over time. I do no have any positive projection for the future and do not see what i could do as a job. Nothing appeal to me and my hyperidrosis prevent me to do a lot of jobs available. I live in a shared apartment and made the mistake to change the beautiful and big room under a roof i was in, that was more than a room but a shelter from society to get an other one that i cannot tolerate neither arrange it to please me. I do not have the motivation to find a new place and i will never find something as valuable as i had cause of rising price and too much people searching for something good in real estate market.
I spend my time in regret of the time where i was a dj and producer, have a social life,interest and the hope that things will go better cause i was already a tortured being at this time. I made a song called hope or despair at this period and i know the answer right now, despair. Things just get worst with time at a point i never imagined it was possible to suffer that much. The level of suffering was already intense a few years ago but i didn't expect it to become the hell i'm living right now. I'm plunged into existential emptiness, regrets, loneliness, idleness, despair, anhedonia. the fact that i tried so much therapy and other approachs, fights against my social disconfort for a decade to get at this point where nothing matter anymore make me think that suicide is the best thing i can do. I do not see any other possibility to make my life bearable as my atypical mind will keep preventing me to grow socially and nothing interest me anymore. I feel like I've exhausted all my cards. Unfortunately my will to preserve my family make my suicide almost impossible so i think i will have to keep living hell for decades. It is an agonizing situation.
