Discussion What is the hardest part of your recovery

[Theforeverblind]

For me it's even wanting to get better I know that everyone around me acts like wanting getting better is a universal experience but it's not most days I don't even want to get better but those days that I do keep me going

 

[Celerity]

For me, it's the idea that all this progress was for nothing, and that my life will be just as shitty as I had imagined it would be.

Even though they hurt less, the same things still bother me, and the repetitiveness of it makes me feel dull.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I know that everyone around me acts like wanting getting better is a universal experience but it's not

I know this feeling and I think this is actually the hardest part of my recovery.

A lot of people tell me to just "wait and see," and to be grateful for the small things so that over time I can develop an appreciation for life in general. Another thing I hear often is to "let go," to go with the flow of things and accept that things won't always be good or great, to relinquish my desire for control over the happenings in my life.

Not exactly the same sentiment, but they all feel the same to me. I can appreciate when I hear it because I don't think that's bad advice— I suppose that's the only way to live when you choose to go on with life, anyway. But still, lol, how the heck am I supposed to do that?? I literally don't know how. People tell me that like I can just turn the worry and mental illness off. I wish I could, but I know such a thing is impossible for everybody. I don't even know if I want to do that, if I really desire to get "better," because getting "better" is just sounding a lot more like ignoring some fundamental truth I've learned about the world by the day.

I'm starting to think that those ways of living, while beneficial, aren't really feasible for everybody. Maybe things won't get better in my mind no matter how much waiting or improving I do; maybe it's impossible for me to be better than I am now, or how I was ten years ago, even twenty years ago. I always remember being this sad, despite the good in my life. There's plenty of it, sure, but it doesn't make me feel happy or even okay. The hardest part of recovering is finding a way to be okay with being different like that and not letting it drive me to self-destructive or numbing behaviors all the time. I think recovering for me would just be learning to chill out with my demons while they're torturing me, instead of finding out how to get them to stop torturing me in the first place. Accepting that my reality, my "recovery" looks a lot different from everyone else's success story of finding a warm and fuzzy, heartfelt, happily-ever-after-esque reason to keep on keeping on is really difficult.

 

[DreamWeaver✨]

That the darkness returns when I don't expect it. I have fought severe depression for years and I've gotten pretty good at keeping the darkness away for longer amounts of time. I started recognizing when the darkness is starting to close off the light and using tools to keep the darkness at bay enough, in order to keep it from engulfing me. Then something random happens and I don't have a tool to stop the thoughts.

Basically, the hardest part of recovery for me is no matter how long I keep the darkness at bay, it shows up to remind me that I'm just bullshitting myself and no matter how many tools I have it still has the power to come back. Being two steps ahead of the dark thoughts becomes exhausting.

 

[ClockWorks]

The fact I'm forced to develop thick skin while I still live in my dysfunctional to borderline abusive household. Back when I had a plan to CTB I felt so much relief knowing I won't have to deal with it anymore but now all my responsibilities are back and need to me to work hard on them yet I'm in no position to move out.

I'm just left feeling apathy about it all. I'm so close to being able to pick up my life together but the pain I feel everyday of waking up in my home makes me want to drop it all. I feel like I should be working harder to try and repair the relationship I have but this odd feeling of pride or weird coping mechanisms never lets me ever think of a world where I actually give a shit about my parents. And I keep falling back into the same cycle over and over again.

 

[whywere]

For me, it is knowing that the term recovery will be a lifelong commitment of each and every day working at it, checking myself mentally AND physically and having a smile and feel loved from everyone here.

Walter

 

[AshClouds]

Hardest part is not having everything go to shit if thing do start to improve.

 

[dumblosergirl]

The fact I'm forced to develop thick skin while I still live in my dysfunctional to borderline abusive household. Back when I had a plan to CTB I felt so much relief knowing I won't have to deal with it anymore but now all my responsibilities are back and need to me to work hard on them yet I'm in no position to move out.

I'm just left feeling apathy about it all. I'm so close to being able to pick up my life together but the pain I feel everyday of waking up in my home makes me want to drop it all. I feel like I should be working harder to try and repair the relationship I have but this odd feeling of pride or weird coping mechanisms never lets me ever think of a world where I actually give a shit about my parents. And I keep falling back into the same cycle over and over again.

So sorry. Completely unrelated but love the Hydaelyn/Venat theme you have going on.

 

[Akanea]

So sorry. Completely unrelated but love the Hydaelyn/Venat theme you have going on.

"No more shall man have wings to bear him to Paradise, henceforth, he shall walk" still give me chills. Venat could be the icon of the recovery part of SaSu, she is the best.

Finding motivation is the hardest part for me, I just can't find the strength to get better. I'm not suicidal anymore but can't do any of my hobbies, can't cook, can't clean up my house… I still feel like a failure

 

[dumblosergirl]

"No more shall man have wings to bear him to Paradise, henceforth, he shall walk" still give me chills. Venat could be the icon of the recovery part of SaSu, she is the best.

Finding motivation is the hardest part for me, I just can't find the strength to get better. I'm not suicidal anymore but can't do any of my hobbies, can't cook, can't clean up my house… I still feel like a failure

Happy to see fellow FF14 fans on here. Endwalker was so impactful for me.

At least you do have the strength to continue on. You'll find your strength too. It's hard at the moment, but you'll get there eventually.

 

[ClockWorks]

"No more shall man have wings to bear him to Paradise, henceforth, he shall walk"

Happy to see fellow FF14 fans on here. Endwalker was so impactful for me.

Again, very out of topic, but it was that cutscene and Venat's speech that made me reconsider attempting for a second time. I sometimes rewatch it to make myself decide to struggle through my pain.

I've been feeling the same way with the absolute disinterest to do anything. If there is anything I can recommend is to do something that can give some kind of emotional response. It doesn't have to be doing your hobby but whatever can make you feel something else rather than emptiness, do it and do it often.

You may be stuck now but you will be able to walk again. Don't worry.

 

[Ashe]

The relapse back into my self destructive habits. I've always had the repeating trend of my depression and suicidal nature bringing me down to some of my lowest lows and even a few times having me attempt to CTB but failed to my SI only to have a period that I falsely believe that I'm getting better or healing just to be shot back down.

 

[Marine]

Being literally cursed and it always getting worse. The nightmare I've been stuck in lately despite tremendous positive efforts, all brutally thwarted, makes me regret ever being born. I feel buried in darkness, not existing yet being denied the escape of death so many times illogically. This literal hell makes no sense and only a strong light can get me out of here I guess, apparently not me though... I'm going to need at least some mercy before I can try dying again at the very least. To live it would be vengeance (positive) and reparation...