Discussion What is the difference for people left behind?

[doomedbynarrative]

One big reason why some people don't ctb is they don't want to cause that pain to their loved ones. But here's the thing, people die all the time. People die to illness, disease, natural disaster, murder, accident etc etc and no one ever makes the loss felt by those left behind into this big horrific deal that will traumatize people forever and ever and they'll never recover. But for some reason, ctb makes those left behind forever traumatized in a horrific way and like...

Listen some deaths are kind and peaceful and some are not. No matter what it's an ugly process whether its near instant or not. Everyone will have to feel it someday at some point. Yet for some reason death by ctb is treated as the worst for those left behind to deal with. Genuinely, what is the difference? The loss is still a loss.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I don't see it either. People usually make the distinction out to be that suicide is under our control but I don't even think that's true

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I think it's the psychology of how society works. We have a death denying culture, and part of this culture is to think that we can somehow cheat death and defeat it. Not permanently, but to extend life to very long durations.

When someone ctb, I think society views this as counter culture. Someone having this crazy idea that they don't want to fight back against death, which is portrayed as this ultimate good. Death is the big bad scary monster in the closet, that we all agree is bad and must be fought with everything we have. It's like an unwritten contract. But of course, many of us didn't agree to this contract.

But willingly embracing death is just seen as someone having lost their mind and not playing by society's rules. It shakes many people's belief in the social order, which is considered a dangerous thing. This is why suicide must always be portrayed as "crazy" "a mistake" "bad judgement" "temporary solution" "emotional over reaction" etc etc... Because for society to admit that some people made a calm and rational decision to stop playing the game, stop playing by the rules/social order and to stop fighting death... this is too dangerous for many people to acknowledge. Death by natural causes or disease, is not viewed as deliberately embracing defeat. It's a loss, but a more acceptable one for society to digest.

That is the problem with how society views everything through this narrow prism of "winning" and "losing". Suicide and death are viewed as defeat, when they really should not be. It should be up to the individual to decide what is success for them.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

Here's my thoughts on this coming from someone who lost my girlfriend to suicide. It's true that death of any kind, especially any sort of death deemed to be 'premature,' is tragic. What's extra tragic/traumatizing to me about suicide is the feeling of having failed that person. The fact that I couldn't save her is a guilt I will carry with me forever. Another aspect of it is that many people believe there is no such thing as being beyond recovery or beyond saving. Whether that's true in general or not I can't say but in my case I know for a fact, without a shred of doubt, that my girlfriend was not beyond recovery. She could have been saved, and that fact tears me apart every second of every day. So that's probably why suicide is revered as a uniquely tragic and traumatizing kind of loss.

 

[Forever Sleep]

There are plenty of deaths that people don't fully get over. My Mum died of cancer when I was 3. That impacted my whole life- it's reasonable to say. I definitely don't think loved ones recover all that well from homicide or culpable manslaughter/ sudden accidental death necessarily. Sudden deaths I imagine are harder to cope with than ones we expect.

Have you experienced that much loss in your family? Of course, for some, it doesn't seem to affect them so much but for many, death of a loved one is distressing. I'd lost 3 close family members by the time I was 10.

As for suicide though- it seems to affect people in other ways. They may also feel a sense of guilt or shame- if they in some way created problems for the person. Either through abuse or neglect. Or, simply the feeling they could/ should have done more for them.

It may also make them upset in questioning the strength of their love I suppose. As in- why did this person leave me? Why did they knowingly inflict this grief on me? Even if it isn't the goal by any means, it's a known consequence that our loved ones will suffer. And, we're willing to do that- presumably. So- I suppose they find that upsetting- even offensive.

As others have mentioned, many people simply won't believe a person is beyond saving. So- I think there's also this annoyance that we could have tried harder to get better and maybe that we should have tried harder for their sake.

I think that's why we sometimes see an angry response though. That they've been made to feel something enormously painful by someone they loved. But- seeing as it probably doesn't feel comfortable to feel angry towards this person- maybe that's why it deflects onto other things. They are angry with those that didn't stop them. Or at how they were able to suicide in the first place. So- the people that enabled that.

Plus, I think they also possibly kind of split the person into two. I imagine it's too painful to accept that the person they knew and loved made this decision to abandon them. So- instead, I think they frequently blame mental illness. It wasn't them that made the choice- it was their illness. That's not to say it's impossible for a person to commit during psychosis etc. but I would tend to argue that even those experiencing mental illness are often still seemingly capable of reasoning.

Really though- unless you've just suddenly lost something or someone that meant the world to you- it's not going to be easy to really describe that pain. Plus, I suppose some people maybe don't experience that but, I think a lot do.

 

[badatparties]

Well i guess they feel bad that you were in such distress, you offed yourself. They also think it might of been their fault, and what if they did something different etc etc. There are some pretty legit reasons, it's not all society is bad and hates suicide.

 

[elenaboo25]

I think the big difference is that with suicide, people tend to ask themselves if they could have done something to prevent it, or they think it's their fault somehow. With other causes of death it's more clear what the reason is and that it could not have been prevented, or it could not have been prevented by people uninvolved in the incident.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I think anyone in theory can be "saved". I just think it's often not worth the pain and effort