I hesistate to post this. Manipulation is a topic I've studied for quite awhile. I've been on both ends, I still find things about myself that I wince at when I become aware. Manipulation is not always intentional. I'm hearing what people are saying about being accused but not intentionally meaning to manipulate, that they don't have nefarious intentions.
I hope to talk about it, then, with a balance of clarity and taking off some of the sting about the subject. It's helping me to adjust my own perspective. No expectation on my part that one will read if they don't want to, nor agree with what I write.
Without blame, just looking at it without value or ethical judgment, manipulation is an oblique rather than direct way of getting needs and wants met.
Rather than asking directly, and risking a no (though a yes could also be likely), one instead tries indirectly to get another to meet their needs, wants, wishes or convenience. They may try to butter them up to get them to want to, such as complimenting, serving, love-bombing, appealing to a desire to serve a greater good, etc. They may dangle a reward they can't or won't deliver, or end up giving a different "reward" than the one that was accepted for agreeing and acting. They may use threats, fear, guilt or obligation. When someone tries to speak to them directly about what they need, want or wish, or about how they're trying to accomplish it, someone who is functioning in a mode of manipulation will deflect attention, evade answering, lie, brandish strong emotion, accuse, etc. They may have developed this style because it wasn't safe in childhood to directly ask, or to even have wants or needs, let alone take responsibility for getting them met, and/or they may have had an example of someone who functioned this way.
Basically, manipulation says, "Don't look at the subject, look at everything else. The issue is not the issue."
Gaslighting, which is extreme manipulation that extends to an enviroment and to internal executive control, says, "You didn't see what you saw, hear what you heard, or feel what you felt. Doubt yourself. I'll tell you what you actually see, hear and feel. I've got this, you don't. I'm the one who can do that, or someone else other than you and I can do that."
Manipulation seeks to control for an outcome without being overtly controlling, without putting one's hands on top of another's and steering, instead trying to influence them in what direction to steer and to what destination; it may be quite a winding ride, and the destination may change several times, or be quite a surprise for the driver. Gaslighting seeks to control the other person by getting them to separate from their perceptions, from their self. Gaslighting says you're not even in a car, and you're not heading where you were heading, and that's not a foot on the pedal, and you don't feel stressed about what's happening, and I'm not even talking right now; there is something wrong with you and your perceptions."
Gaslighting may also be a way of functioning. The person themselves may also be disconnected from reality and their own perceptions, and perhaps was somehow assaulted for perceiving reality, or it could have been too overwhelming to do so if they were in danger and had no way to protect themselves. In other words, the one who gaslights may themselves may be living a gaslit experience and want another to agree to that experience. They can get very stressed out if someone disagrees with the version they're experiencing, because reality feels like...gaslighting.
Like I said, someone may not know mainpulation (or the extreme, gaslighting) is how they function to get their needs and wants met, so I can imagine it really hurts when someone accuses them of manipulation of any kind. It may feel like being gaslit or condemned when there were no ill intentions.
But it also hurts for the person who is having something wooed, coerced or stolen from them, or who is experiencing and accepting reality, rather than being given the option to make an informed decision as to whether or not they want to give or do something, and whether or not they want to participate in an alternative version of reality.
One kind of manipulation in particular that's really difficult to be on the receiving end of (not saying it's easy for the one who does it either) is when one offers something to another, the other rejects the offer, and then takes it in a different way than the route that was offered; just because it was offered doesn't mean it can be taken in any way. It it's like inviting someone to come watch TV with you and you offer to give them a house key to come in for that purpose, and they turn down the key, and they say they don't want to watch TV, or don't acknowledge the offer. Later, you come home and find them waiting for you in front of the TV with snacks, and they'd crawled in a window you forgot to close. Watching TV together is not the issue, the issue is the break-in. Sometimes manipulation is a break-in, and yet the one who broke in makes it seem as if the other person consented to it. "But you said we could watch TV together! And look, there's snacks! And, hey, did you know you forgot to shut the window? Thank goodness I was here to protect your stuff until you got back! Oh good, the program's on. Sit down (on your own couch)! Have a slice of pizza! I think it's you're favorite!" Stopping and saying, "Whoa, this is not okay" usually results in the other person going on the defensive and using tactics like brandishing strong emotion, taking back the "gifts," DARVOing (defending, accusing, then reversing the roles of victim and offender so they are now the victim), telling a revised version of their actions and/or the offer and how it was received (gaslighting), storming off, threatening to cut off love, friendship or support, threatening suicide, etc. It feels like shit to be on the receiving end of the break-in and all that follows, and if one gives pity for this behavior, they surrender their boundaries, autonomy, and integrity (wholeness) so that the other person will feel better, will be soothed, will stay in the relationship...and it gives them permission to keep breaking in. The one who breaks in may not know how to accept a key or an offer of doing something together, and sincerely, that sucks...but the other person has to pay a high cost to do what they offered and had rejected or not acknowledged. The one who broke in didn't feel safe to directly accept a direct offer (or changed their minds and didn't directly say so), and then acted in unsafe ways to indirectly "take advantage" of the offer and enjoy the benefits of the relationship.
I hope this contributed something to the conversation. It's been interesting to read and I've been learning a lot.
