What is SI to you?

[LocalAngel]

I'm asking primarily because i think i might be experiencing it. I have everything available to me now- SN, anti emetic which acts as an anti-anixety (Olanzapine), and i can get family out of the house at any time with a simple lie. It's all set up.

And yet, now, i'm having feelings of "Oh god." I'm well aware that i'm not quite ready yet, i need to start thinking about my decision very heavily. But doing so really is just making me... anxious.

Not because i don't want to end my suffering. Not because i know it's what's needed for my existence to end- i don't even have a reason to continue living, but.. still, my brain continuously makes me anxious, thinking of drinking the SN is incredibly calming, yet, as the date draws closer, my anxiety is starting to show more. Yet there's no reason to be anxious other then survival.

What is SI to you? Thoughts on the above?

 

[missingpeace]

Yes, I am the same, everything there, no reason to hold on to life yet still stalling. I think people who have trauma experience more SI than others, we've been in survival mode all our lives and this is just another expression of it. In order for me to drink the SN I think I will just have to let everything go, all my attachments to this life and jump into the unknown.

 

[LocalAngel]

Yes, I am the same, everything there, no reason to hold on to life yet still stalling. I think people who have trauma experience more SI than others, we've been in survival mode all our lives and this is just another expression of it. In order for me to drink the SN I think I will just have to let everything go, all my attachments to this life and jump into the unknown.

I agree. All of my major attachments to this world are gone anyway. Friends aren't enough of a reason and family aren't either. My recent breakup was honestly the last straw for me. Last little spek is gone, now i just... need to finish bucket-list items and i'm gone.

 

[imcadt99]

My recommendation would be to drink. At the very least obtain phenibut or some other GABA agonist especially if you need to retain composure communicating with others when setting up the circumstances for your death. Though I would still recommend alcohol at the time of your death.

Death still scares me when I dwell on it. I believe no rational, sober, person is without fear of death. However, if you are too drunk to consider the consequences of your actions, you will not fear death. I learned in the last couple days that the Japanese during WWII got their kamikaze pilots drunk which is quite ironic given the importance of their mission and the expensive vehicles they operated. As someone who drinks daily I can attest that the fear of what comes after death is the last thing on your mind when sufficiently intoxicated.

 

[LocalAngel]

My recommendation would be to drink. At the very least obtain phenibut or some other GABA agonist especially if you need to retain composure communicating with others when setting up the circumstances for your death. Though I would still recommend alcohol at the time of your death.

Death still scares me when I dwell on it. I believe no rational, sober, person is without fear of death. However, if you are too drunk to consider the consequences of your actions, you will not fear death. I learned in the last couple days that the Japanese during WWII got their kamikaze pilots drunk which is quite ironic given the importance of their mission and the expensive vehicles they operated. As someone who drinks daily I can attest that the fear of what comes after death is the last thing on your mind when sufficiently intoxicated.

I cannot have alcohol for the SN method, however, Olanzapine, the anti-emetic for my method, numbs my emotions quite nicely and does give a high effect. Here's hoping that's enough. Could mix with diazepam as well.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i think it has to do with the fear of the unknown, or the known for some people. some believe there's something after this life, others don't. in either case, it's scary to go into something and know there's no going back. it's not like self harm or a manic episode, because you're still on your feet after it. death, however, is a one way trip to somewhere no one truly knows what's there..

 

[imcadt99]

I cannot have alcohol for the SN method, however, Olanzapine, the anti-emetic for my method, numbs my emotions quite nicely and does give a high effect. Here's hoping that's enough. Could mix with diazepam as well.

I'm considering SN as a backup method, I was not aware that alcohol was incompatible with it. Thank you for the warning and alternative recommendations.

 

[Fwompje]

To me SI is just a biological thing. I believe you can train to get partially rid of it but it's similar to being unable to break your own bones. Your body just doesn't allow it. Of course if you already self harm a lot you will desensitize your SI and you are able to do extreme things to your body. But naturally it's instinct, it's biological and normal. It doesn't mean you don't want to die.

 

[LocalAngel]

I'm considering SN as a backup method, I was not aware that alcohol was incompatible with it. Thank you for the warning and alternative recommendations.

Alcohol is toxic to the body, and therefore can make the nausea significantly worse.

To me SI is just a biological thing. I believe you can train to get partially rid of it but it's similar to being unable to break your own bones. Your body just doesn't allow it. Of course if you already self harm a lot you will desensitize your SI and you are able to do extreme things to your body. But naturally it's instinct, it's biological and normal. It doesn't mean you don't want to die.

This is very true. I'm actually quite used to ingesting large amounts of things i shouldn't be- so a small amount of something toxic should be fine for me. SI is interesting to me.

 

[FuneralCry]

What you are going through does sound like the survival instinct. To me the survival instinct exists because as humans we are programmed to survive and it's something irrational that exists to prolong our lives, making people struggle to go through with ctb methods or give them irrational doubts when they are close to leaving this world. But to me it's like the survival instinct exists to keep us trapped here in this world and I guess that after all only you know when it's the right time to leave.

 

[LocalAngel]

What you are going through does sound like the survival instinct. To me the survival instinct exists because as humans we are programmed to survive and it's something irrational that exists to prolong our lives, making people struggle to go through with ctb methods or give them irrational doubts when they are close to leaving this world. But to me it's like the survival instinct exists to keep us trapped here in this world and I guess that after all only you know when it's the right time to leave.

I have mostly determined a time. A couple of weeks from now, i won't be here anymore, i don't think. I've set a date, but i'm not going to be angry at myself if i push it back a week or two. No shame in wanting to kick a few more things off the bucket list.

But then, that makes me think... Is what i just said above, SI? I am just delaying the inevitable, no? It's not like my life is suddenly gonna magically fucking get better in a week or two, lmao. This is my first time genuinely committing to attempting to CTB, and my plan is pretty thorough, so who knows.