Are these 'memories' from dreams or daydreaming to escape pain? Or are they just popping up out of nowhere?
I often have full blown conversations with people in my head, people I have not actually seen or spoken to in a long time, people I have, sometimes people I have never even met, I even argue with them, but I know it's not reality. And I don't mean typical fantasies or delusions of grandeur-though I'm not immune to those, I mean any and every type of conversation or scenario that could occur in daily life, or things I should be able to say that I can't, things they could or could not have said to me in return, but didn't.
Big things, small things, just anything and everything. Sometimes my hands and body start to gesticulate as if I'm actually across from someone, speaking to them.
(Maybe this is wishful thinking, but it has gotten to the point that I could probably be a great actor lol if I wasn't so maimed by my own existence, so consumed and was not so discriminated against for not being attractive).
I believe it stems from isolating and not being able to reach out to anyone, I need to be able to sound off someone so I use myself to mime another person, it's a form
of control when I have none elsewhere, but it's quite sad that I've probably spoken to people who are supposed to be close to me more in my head, than in truth.
I am safer than them, I can be trusted, these mirages as well, but their real counterparts-No.
They are merely apparitions, but I know myself to seem like a ghost as well. They feel strangely familiar, although foreign to actuality.
So many hours of conversation that is all a farce, think of a child locked in their room for a decade with only dolls to interact with...I'm sure they would become more real and comforting than any tangible person outside the door, until that door is opened and the created world is shattered.
However, to go back to what you said, I am still much more likely to confuse a dream memory for real versus a maladaptive daydreaming memory. (That's why I am wondering where your "memories" and loss of touch with reality is sourced.)
Personally, I know it's all just me, in the end. I have lived a thousand lives inside my head, but reality will still win, it's still going to kill me.
I think if I genuinely became unable to tell the difference, maybe existence would be more bearable, but I'm not delusional (plus, even my head creations are not perfect or always pleasant). I'm not saying you are either, but your situation does sound a bit different than mine. Could you explain it further?
