Discussion What is one thing that sends you spiraling into immediate despair/static/hopelessness/etc.?

[molassesmorasses]

I attempted in January but was found (somehow, I am still so upset), and things have been up and down since then but generally I've been able to convince myself that I need to stick things out until another time comes when this would all be much easier to go about doing. Frequently, though, something brings me back to the reality of myself and my situation; most recently it's reminders of how much disordered eating has taken away from me (most of my life and its possibilities), my girlfriend (the stark contrast of before and after, having to watch that while I was thrust back into my lifelong struggle with it, and knowing that she probably will never be the same again even if we're getting better with it), and how I can convince myself I can get better but that I will always slip back into it.

Saw an old photo and everything went static, I felt like I was watching myself, I couldn't think. Tried to make myself eat even though I was alone and it went okay for once but now all I can think about is how disgusting I feel, etc. No need to get into specifics.

What's your one thing? In as much detail as would be cathartic for you.

 

[TheSadStranger]

I've been through a lot in my life. I'm not stranger to pain. I've been abused and literally tortured all of my life. I've loved and lost. I was recently diagnosed with (3C) stage 3 non-small cell lung cancer and I have 13 months left.

Regardless of my hellish childhood, or the abuse or my current medical situation. Nothing makes me feel more hopeless than seeing old pictures of my ex and I together. There is something about seeing the one person who ever made me experience happiness and the remembering what happened that just breaks me down.

 

[Hotsackage]

spending the next 50 years with this brain. i look forward to it

 

[bloberta]

my face/body. im trans mtf but i still just look like a man. and i also have trouble eating and sleeping so not only do i look like a man but i look like a sick, unhealthy worn out man. sometimes i convince myself it's not that bad and on rare occasions i see a certain angle/lighting combination and i think i look ok. but eventually i see what i really look like and im brought back to reality and hopelessness and i just feel sick to my stomach. idk that's probably vain as fuck but i just cant handle it anymore.

 

[Blackroom_57]

The worsening of my chronic psychiatric illness and the fact that there's nothing I can do to stop it.

 

[whoevencares]

Attempting to speak to my family. They tell me to just call a therapist. The same ones who just tell me its my fault

 

[PoisonousPotato]

just to think that i'll always be disabled, that the trauma won't go, that i can't change the world, that i'll never be the woman i need to be, that i lost some abilities because of ect, that i don't have my place here as in today's society nobody wants or cares about someone like me.

 

[sunshiningbackwards]

Looking in the mirror. Body dysmorphia + late 20s twink death is such a massive gut shot every time I walk into any bathroom and get a glimpse of myself or see my reflection in a storefront walking down a street

 

[bigdog]

The way I felt 10 month ago and huge money lose since than

 

[leavingsoon99]

Life.

 

[orca87]

Waking up to reality.
It is actually every single moment that makes me me uncomfortable

 

[GreyCTB]

AI. It sucks so much considering that I've been genuinely happy with my life the last month or so. I've never been as happy before, I'm so close to having everything figured out. But about a week ago I learned about all of the recent developments in AI and it hurts knowing that society will only move closer to being a technological dystopia where robots outperform humans in every possible way.

I don't want to live in a world that's controlled by robots. When the singularity happens I'm gonna off myself

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Me being dysphoric, seeing an attractive or average looking cis female. Knowing I will never be one sends me spiraling into a state of defeat.

 

[FuneralCry]

The fact that if I don't find a way to voluntarily exit I could potentially be trapped here for decades longer, it's a curse how there is no straightforward way to free ourselves from the hell that is existing.

 

[Himalayan]

Nothing. I actually can't be brought down anymore, because i learned how to function while being completely broken

 

[Kundalini Guy]

How much time I have wasted and what I could've become if I din't.

 

[m1v]

Maybe when I'm thinking that things could have been easily fixed with me but I'm making it harder, I'm the problem. Kinda feels like I'm making zero efforts.

I get you though, seeing old pictures really triggers me sometimes.

 

[rabbit_feet]

I attempted in January but was found (somehow, I am still so upset), and things have been up and down since then but generally I've been able to convince myself that I need to stick things out until another time comes when this would all be much easier to go about doing. Frequently, though, something brings me back to the reality of myself and my situation; most recently it's reminders of how much disordered eating has taken away from me (most of my life and its possibilities), my girlfriend (the stark contrast of before and after, having to watch that while I was thrust back into my lifelong struggle with it, and knowing that she probably will never be the same again even if we're getting better with it), and how I can convince myself I can get better but that I will always slip back into it.

Saw an old photo and everything went static, I felt like I was watching myself, I couldn't think. Tried to make myself eat even though I was alone and it went okay for once but now all I can think about is how disgusting I feel, etc. No need to get into specifics.

What's your one thing? In as much detail as would be cathartic for you.

For me, it's whenever someone makes a slight comment about my body.
Growing up, I had one of those moms that was obsessed with weight loss and skinny culture. She would ask typical questions like "does this make my butt look big?" Maybe i would've been fine if she kept it to herself but at some point she started projecting all of her body issues onto me. She would comment on the food that I ate every day, how much of it, etc. to the point that I became hyper aware of how much I was eating and what I was eating. Even if it came down to what I just had access to, there was always a feeling of guilt that hung over me when I ate literally anything that wasn't an obvious health food.
Getting older, it only got worse. She would tell me in the mornings that I should diet, that I should eat a salad. She would also (and she still does this actually) feel the need to comment on the fact that my breast size is bigger than her. It has always made me feel weird and it has made me absolutely dread clothes shopping because I always come out of it feeling more depressed and body conscious of myself than when I went in.
It got so bad that one morning in highschool, she had made 3 different remarks in the hour since I had crawled out of bed about my weight and about how I needed to eat a salad, I broke down into tears and begged her to stop commenting on it. I told her that I get it, she thinks I'm fat. She thinks I should diet and that I'm not pretty cause I'm not skinny enough for her. And I just begged her to stop. She didn't say anything to me and just dropped me at the bus stop and never apologized or commented on anything that happened that morning.
She still makes comments on my body. She compares me to her all the time. We went clothes shopping recently because I was in desperate need of new jeans for work and she once again felt the need to comment on my breast and cup size and I just felt awful. I was having a good day that day up until that point and it took so much will power not to burst into tears. It sent me into a spiral and it's been very hard to get out.

 

[StarFaded]

When I receive non-stop verbal and emotional abuse from my partner.

 

[ncmxm]

My reflection and pics of me

 

[hellispink]

I have borderline personality. So everything truggers me and makes me go crazy in pain and despair

 

[FailerQt.]

That one and only thing I just cannot have.l The million unanswered questions about that thing. And the realization that there's not even chance in future to get that thing. (Don't want to say what it is due to fear of judgement)

 

[catastrophix]

Thinking about my quality of life is pretty much a full on trigger for me at this point. I am diagnosed w/ a ton of mental health conditions, so I'm on a long list of psychiatric medications. I have been inpatient about ten times in a psych ward. I can't go to college in person due to my severe social phobia. I can't get a job for the same reason. My psychiatrist prescribed me with Xanax years ago to take when having a panic attack and I've already taken it more this year than I have any other year because my anxiety has been so high. I'm afraid of leaving the house, driving, phone calls, even text messages. It's all so grim looking, and I'm literally only 20 years old. Living like this for the rest of my life isn't even living, it's just hopelessness and suffering.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

What kills me the most is the fact that if my parents had taken 5 minutes out of their lives to explain to me the importance of brushing my teeth twice a day when I was a kid, the whole trajectory of my life would likely have been so much better.

 

[Source Energy]

Nothing. I actually can't be brought down anymore, because i learned how to function while being completely broken

This. I learnt to function under extreme duress. Now fake smiling and cheerfulness is my second nature. Inside, I am numb and hollow. I put up an impressive, convincing front in my customer oriented line of work. I can say I've grown and evolved a lot during the past months. What doesn't kill you does make you stronger. So now I am strong and suicidal, instead of broken and suicidal, lol

 

[Rairii]

Thinking of my future and being reminded of the reality of it. There is so much more that I ended up writing it out by mistake but I suppose the future thing has been what's getting to me the most lately. I really try to distract myself as much as I can from it even though I know I must confront things eventually. I really am the master at avoiding things.

I will say that I relate to your disordered eating part. My anorexia took quite a lot from me and thinking about that really eats up at me.

 

[Zegers]

day to day emptiness.