What is more ethical??

[lonesomedrifter]

Hi. I'm at my lowest again. It's just a never ending cycle. I would love you guys' opinion. Here is some background info: I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I really care about the baby, but I have no support/money/stability on my own. The baby's dad is a deadbeat. He really wants a son, but we have a long painful history (on my profile is more info if you're curious).

What is more ethical:
- Killing myself, meaning the baby will also die. Ofcourse, the baby didn't deserve any of this, and it kinda haunts me that it will die if I end myself. I wish for him to have happiness, but I'm not sure I'll ever recover.
- Not killing myself until after it is born, meaning it will grow up in an unstable environment with a mother that killed herself after his birth. I don't want my child (or any child) to go through that.
- Not killing myself after the birth but being a deadbeat myself. I dont do drugs or anything alike, but mentally I'm not strong. I dont have people around me that care about/for me anymore. I dont want to end up like the abuser myself. I have a lot of love to give, but ofcourse I cant predict how I'll be.

I feel very lost.

 

[Dot]

Sme1 mght nd 2 trnsl8 ths

Wld also sy tht = wrth keepng in mnd tht ur hormnes r goin2 b all ovr th/ plce whch = reasnble 2 assme tht wld affct ur emotns abt th/ whle stuatn

28 wks = obvsly furthr thn abortn wld b allowd

Dd u hve thse feelngs in th/ 1st 12-16 wks of ur pregnncy or r u feelng thse thngs mre bcse thngs r gttng mre 'real'

Slf thnk tht mst ppl wld Ncourge u 2 nt ctb whle pregnnt

Th/ bby = obvsly viabl atm bt thre r also additnl rsks frm attmptng -- u cld fail & lse th/ chld whch u mght strggle wth emotnlly aftr frm gult etc

U cld fail & th/ bby cld b brn wth disbltis whch u wld b rspnsble fr & u agn wld hve 2 liv wth havng dne tht

Thre r alwys optns lke adoptn or fostrng if thngs r 2 ovr-whelmng fr u bt = mght b wrth lookng fr wht socl servces in ur area cn offr fr u s/ u cn mke an informd decsn wth as mch infrmatn as pssble

 

[Dante_]

Translating for Dot:

I would also say that it's worth keeping in mind that your hormones are going to be all over the place which is reasonable to assume that it would affect your emotions about the whole situation.

28 weeks is obviously further than abortion would be allowed.

Did you have these feelings in the first 12–16 weeks of your pregnancy, or are you feeling this way more now because things are becoming more "real"?

I think most people would encourage you not to take your own life while pregnant.

The baby is obviously viable at this point, but there are also additional risks to attempting suicide—you could survive but lose the child, which might be emotionally difficult due to guilt, etc.

You could also survive, but the baby might be born with disabilities as a result, and you would have to live with the consequences of that.

There are always options like adoption or fostering if things become too overwhelming for you. It might be worth looking into what social services in your area can offer so that you can make an informed decision with as much information as possible.

 

[Aergia]

FYI your profile is set to private (the default setting). You'd have to change it in the settings if you want people to see it.

 

[LimpandNumb]

Hey, I'm sorry to read this. Only you can make this decision which is right for you and baby. No one else matters.

I'll share. When I was 19yrs, I became pregnant. The father was a waste of space. I had a really hard time coming to terms with offering the baby a decent shot at life- which I wanted but at the time, I couldn't offer that. I would of had my controlling family raising the baby tbh.
I chose to abort the baby and do better. It cut me but, I made good on my promise, I did better (at least until I was diagnosed with a shitty disease).

That was my reasons for taking that path. Never be ashamed about doing what's right for you and the baby. Always happy to chat and I truly do understand how difficult these decisions can be. I'm 37yrs now and I still remember seeing the bean on the ultrasound screen.
I wish you all the best with making a decision that works for you.

 

[lonesomedrifter]

FYI your profile is set to private (the default setting). You'd have to change it in the settings if you want people to see it.

Thanks! I set it to open

Sme1 mght nd 2 trnsl8 ths

Wld also sy tht = wrth keepng in mnd tht ur hormnes r goin2 b all ovr th/ plce whch = reasnble 2 assme tht wld affct ur emotns abt th/ whle stuatn

28 wks = obvsly furthr thn abortn wld b allowd

Dd u hve thse feelngs in th/ 1st 12-16 wks of ur pregnncy or r u feelng thse thngs mre bcse thngs r gttng mre 'real'

Slf thnk tht mst ppl wld Ncourge u 2 nt ctb whle pregnnt

Th/ bby = obvsly viabl atm bt thre r also additnl rsks frm attmptng -- u cld fail & lse th/ chld whch u mght strggle wth emotnlly aftr frm gult etc

U cld fail & th/ bby cld b brn wth disbltis whch u wld b rspnsble fr & u agn wld hve 2 liv wth havng dne tht

Thre r alwys optns lke adoptn or fostrng if thngs r 2 ovr-whelmng fr u bt = mght b wrth lookng fr wht socl servces in ur area cn offr fr u s/ u cn mke an informd decsn wth as mch infrmatn as pssble

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it

Hey, I'm sorry to read this. Only you can make this decision which is right for you and baby. No one else matters.

I'll share. When I was 19yrs, I became pregnant. The father was a waste of space. I had a really hard time coming to terms with offering the baby a decent shot at life- which I wanted but at the time, I couldn't offer that. I would of had my controlling family raising the baby tbh.
I chose to abort the baby and do better. It cut me but, I made good on my promise, I did better (at least until I was diagnosed with a shitty disease).

That was my reasons for taking that path. Never be ashamed about doing what's right for you and the baby. Always happy to chat and I truly do understand how difficult these decisions can be. I'm 37yrs now and I still remember seeing the bean on the ultrasound screen.
I wish you all the best with making a decision that works for you.

I found out pretty early, and was still very close with the dad at that moment. Since around 12 weeks, and seeing the ultrasound, I couldn't get myself to get an abortion. I thought I would be okay and that my boyfriend would actually love me now I'm pregnant. Obviously that wasn't the case. It's so contradictory because feeling it move and knowing it's viable keeps me going, but also makes me so scared for the future. I wish I was a lot earlier with it.

 

[divinemistress36]

Could you give it up for adoption?

 

[deadbidaylight]

I'm only going to speak from my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt. Ultimately it is your decision in the end and you have my support no matter the outcome. You need support right now more than anything, not people pulling at your heartstrings and telling you what you should or shouldn't do.

The back half of pregnancy is scary asf. Coming to terms with knowing that baby is coming whether you're ready or not, as well as second guessing whether you're cut out for motherhood or not is ALL COMPLETELY NORMAL. It's when the reality starts to sink in and I know for myself, I panicked, and I tried for my daughter for years and years. Hormones SUCK.

Fast forward to 6 years now, and my daughter gives me life every single day. If it wasn't for her, I would've CTB years ago. She's my reason for living. I can't even remember what my life was like before she came.

Again, I am NOT telling you what to do. I am not at liberty to pass judgement and I refuse to. All I'm saying is that you can have this too, if you are able to hold out for your baby. Life changes so much after they're born, and things that used to matter, don't matter at all anymore. All that matters is your child. You never truly know love until you look into his eyes for the first time. Sounds corny asf, but any parent will tell you it's absolutely true. That little person will love you with their entire being without expecting anything but time from you. There are no strings.

Motherhood is the toughest thing you'd ever do, but it's also the most rewarding (in my eyes). Finding a reason to live through your child is a gift that not everyone is lucky enough to experience.

What part of the world are you from? Depending where you are, there is financial support to help you get on your feet, as well as housing etc. There is also a plethora of emotional support services for new mothers that I cannot recommend enough, should you choose to keep the baby. You can 100% do it without your sperm donor, and both you and the baby will be stronger for it. Lots of women do it. You can too with a bit of help.

Again, I am reiterating that I AM NOT TRYING TO RUFFLE FEATHERS HERE. I respect that we all have different viewpoints on subjects as sensitive as this. I'm just trying to give my perspective as a mother myself. Please don't lynch mob me!

 

[Confusedsoul12345]

I can't tell you what you should or should not do.I have never been pregnant so even though I empathize with you I can't fully understand what you must be going though.

But I am going to share my experience of being on other side as in an unwanted child and person who exists only because abortion was against religious believes of people who brought me into this world and later gave me up for adoption.Every day of my adult life I have spent wishing I was aborted.I have also expressed this thought many times but was dismissed saying I am ungrateful for being alive.But I would say best thing they could have done is to abort me.

Once again I am not trying to speak on behalf of your unborn child but just sharing experience.

 

[Saponification]

Hi. I'm at my lowest again. It's just a never ending cycle. I would love you guys' opinion. Here is some background info: I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I really care about the baby, but I have no support/money/stability on my own. The baby's dad is a deadbeat. He really wants a son, but we have a long painful history (on my profile is more info if you're curious).

What is more ethical:
- Killing myself, meaning the baby will also die. Ofcourse, the baby didn't deserve any of this, and it kinda haunts me that it will die if I end myself. I wish for him to have happiness, but I'm not sure I'll ever recover.
- Not killing myself until after it is born, meaning it will grow up in an unstable environment with a mother that killed herself after his birth. I don't want my child (or any child) to go through that.
- Not killing myself after the birth but being a deadbeat myself. I dont do drugs or anything alike, but mentally I'm not strong. I dont have people around me that care about/for me anymore. I dont want to end up like the abuser myself. I have a lot of love to give, but ofcourse I cant predict how I'll be.

I feel very lost.

It's definitely an extremely hard situation you're in. I feel like my input on the matter won't hold much weight since I'm a dude and thus can't fully empathize with you. But I just wanna say, do not kill yourself after your child is born—that is one of the most unethical acts you could ever do. You'd be dooming your kid to a dysfunctional childhood and it would most likely affect his entire life.

 

[lonesomedrifter]

I'm only going to speak from my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt. Ultimately it is your decision in the end and you have my support no matter the outcome. You need support right now more than anything, not people pulling at your heartstrings and telling you what you should or shouldn't do.

The back half of pregnancy is scary asf. Coming to terms with knowing that baby is coming whether you're ready or not, as well as second guessing whether you're cut out for motherhood or not is ALL COMPLETELY NORMAL. It's when the reality starts to sink in and I know for myself, I panicked, and I tried for my daughter for years and years. Hormones SUCK.

Fast forward to 6 years now, and my daughter gives me life every single day. If it wasn't for her, I would've CTB years ago. She's my reason for living. I can't even remember what my life was like before she came.

Again, I am NOT telling you what to do. I am not at liberty to pass judgement and I refuse to. All I'm saying is that you can have this too, if you are able to hold out for your baby. Life changes so much after they're born, and things that used to matter, don't matter at all anymore. All that matters is your child. You never truly know love until you look into his eyes for the first time. Sounds corny asf, but any parent will tell you it's absolutely true. That little person will love you with their entire being without expecting anything but time from you. There are no strings.

Motherhood is the toughest thing you'd ever do, but it's also the most rewarding (in my eyes). Finding a reason to live through your child is a gift that not everyone is lucky enough to experience.

What part of the world are you from? Depending where you are, there is financial support to help you get on your feet, as well as housing etc. There is also a plethora of emotional support services for new mothers that I cannot recommend enough, should you choose to keep the baby. You can 100% do it without your sperm donor, and both you and the baby will be stronger for it. Lots of women do it. You can too with a bit of help.

Again, I am reiterating that I AM NOT TRYING TO RUFFLE FEATHERS HERE. I respect that we all have different viewpoints on subjects as sensitive as this. I'm just trying to give my perspective as a mother myself. Please don't lynch mob me!

Thank you for your words. I live in the Netherlands, so there is plenty of support here. This helped me see it with a bit more hope.

 

[lonesomedrifter]

Could you give it up for adoption?

It's possible, but my heart would be broken. I dont think I could do that. Again, I really love this child, but I'm mentally very very weak. It's really hard ti explain

 

[deadbidaylight]

Thank you for your words. I live in the Netherlands, so there is plenty of support here. This helped me see it with a bit more hope.

That honestly makes me so happy to hear. And yes, the Netherlands is a great place to be in regards to an awesome support system. I would start looking into resources as soon as you can. The more help you can get asap, the better you can feel about the future for you and your baby.

I also want to touch on the importance of looking after yourself especially post partum. If you are predisposed to depression, you could be hit with post partum depression after the baby is born. I did, and I ended up in crisis in the hospital for suicidal ideation after thinking "I could just battle through it" for a few weeks after my daughter was born. I was wrong. It got out of control and I truly believe if it wasn't for my dad, I would've ended up dead. PPD is a very real thing, and it's fucking scary. It's also a normal, common occurrence that doesn't get talked about a lot. And it doesn't make you any less of a mother either. Hormones wreak absolute havoc on our bodies during pregnancy and after.

I would get in touch with mental support now so that you have a team ready to help you when the time comes. There are even breastfeeding safe anti depressants that you're able to take if you choose to breastfeed. I was put on Zoloft (I breastfed) and I'm telling you, within 2 days I was a different person. I didn't realize just how badly I was struggling until I got those meds. They literally saved my life. I can't stress enough that caring for yourself PP is just as important as caring for your baby. You can't pour from an empty up.

I'm not trying to preach at all. All of these decisions are yours, and yours alone. But I feel like having some support from someone who's experienced the same feelings might help you push through the hard times. Feel free to message me privately ANYTIME. I am in your corner girl. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.

Much love to you

 

[JesiBel]

I was an unplanned and unwanted baby, with several family problems throughout my life until now. Perhaps my way of seeing things is linked to my past and present...

I'll just leave my thoughts, I hope I don't offend anyone..

First of all, do you really want to die? Or are you just punishing yourself for the situation?

Since abortion is no longer possible, perhaps adoption is a healthy option. For both you and the baby. Both of you will have a better future (in case you don't want to become a mother).

My mother was forced to have me for religious reasons. She wasn't ready to be a mother, she didn't want to be. I feel like I ruined her life. I wasn't treated with love and affection either.

I believe there is hope for you and the baby, you can end a bad relationship and place the child in good hands (in case you don't want to become a mother) through adoption. You'll be able to start your life over, and the baby will have a loving and caring family.

Don't blame yourself for everything that's happening. Life puts us in difficult situations; it's not your fault.