What is it that's pushing you so hard to CTB?

[CTB Fella]

For me, I'm just finished.

I'm fucking done/over/had enough.

Had enough of everything, and have no time for anything.

I have money, looks (so I'm told) all of my gadgets, yet I'm so painfully depressed.

I do have a comorbid diagnosis of EUPD/BPD & OCD, and together is like me trying to fight a sea of demons. It's a torrent of fear, in the form of intrusive thoughts, and I just can't do this anymore.

What is pushing you over the edge (no pun intended)?

I'm planning on taking another OD today, so I suppose I'm just getting emotional. Try to trigger myself, which I'm quite an expert at. I know, I know ... you're probably thinking "well you're still here, fella" but that's only because the bastards ("Professionals") won't let me go.

Yet they still won't help me?

Go figure!

Love to all x.

 

[Milkyway]

For me, it's abandonment from my parents and depression.
Only step dad truly knows how I feel, but I can't keep on relying on him.

 

[CTB Fella]

For me, it's abandonment from my parents and depression.

I was abandoned at birth, from my so called "mother."

Was raised by my nan, and it fucked my mind up, even though I was shown noting but love from her.

Sometimes the seed is sewn, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Sending love your way.

For me, it's abandonment from my parents and depression.

Remixed your sentence:

"My parents abandoned me, and as a result, I drift through life, utterly consumed by depression."

Thoughts?

 

[ThisIsLife]

My son died 2 months ago, he was 15.

Life is not worth living anymore without him. He was such a good kid, an incredible human being. He was caring, sensitive, empathic, smart, talented, funny. He never hurt a fly.

I've never felt so much pain in my whole life, i want it to end. I go to bed every day since then wishing to never wake up.

 

[CTB Fella]

My son died 2 months ago, he was 15.

Life is not worth living anymore without him. He was such a good kid, an incredible human being. He was caring, sensitive, empathic, smart, talented, funny. He never hurt a fly.

I've never felt so much pain in my whole life, i want it to end. I go to bed every day since then wishing to never wake up.

I won't say I feel your pain, because that would be impossible.

But I do feel for you.

Did he take his own life?

Sending love.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Similar to you really... I just don't want to do this anymore. Life isn't ALL bad for me but it simply isn't worth it.

The one thing that kept me going throughout life- my creative job is a financial failure- so, there's nothing keeping me here but obligation to my one remaining parent. I'll try to just keep going for them but after that, I'm hoping I can go.

I'm so sorry life has brought you to this point. It hurts to see so many people struggling so much.

 

[outrider567]

Loss

 

[allblackallwhite]

Loss and no hope for a better life.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case life itself is certainly enough to make the thought of non existence sound so incredibly appealing. I despise existing, I see it as being a tedious and pointless burden and existing in this world could never be something that is desirable.
There is no benefit to existing, just disadvantages as existence itself is the true problem. I don't want to continue to exist and risk ending up in a situation of worse suffering, I just want permanent nothingness where I won't even be aware of the fact that I'm dead. I've known for such a long time that existence is not worth enduring but unfortunately I'm still here. I very much hate the fact that it's very difficult to free ourselves from this hellish world.

 

[Milkyway]

I was abandoned at birth, from my so called "mother."

Was raised by my nan, and it fucked my mind up, even though I was shown noting but love from her.

Sometimes the seed is sewn, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Sending love your way.

Remixed your sentence:

"My parents abandoned me, and as a result, I drift through life, utterly consumed by depression."

Thoughts?

That's a perfect explanation.

 

[redisblue]

Quite similar to your reasoning. I'm done with everything and everyone. I've got a lot of trauma, I suffer from depression and anxiety, and nobody takes me seriously - all of these put together have made me feel so exhausted from it all, I just want it to stop. I've had enough too. Sending hugs and love :)

 

[ThisIsLife]

I won't say I feel your pain, because that would be impossible.

But I do feel for you.

Did he take his own life?

Sending love.

Thank you for your kind words.

He od'd on morphine pills and i'll never really know if it was intentional.

The dealer was never found because the pigs don't give a damn about the case.

 

[CTB Dream]

Befr injury damage: endle problm depress anhedo ptsd etc etc

Now: injury damage

Also both case Me see life awful concept

 

[alice_0927]

There is no hope. It feels like I will never be happy. People always say it will be better, but I doubt that better will ever come. I'm stuck in this delusional world where I'm considered as mentally ill. I'm sure lots of people would wish to be in my place, I earned so many achievements, but I don't think living is for me.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

I feel like I've been treated as if I was a dim-witted, manipulating victim/failure by my family, and I can't really fit in with others, making me a social outcast. Taking to people about my feelings results in me trauma dumping on them, isolating me only further; and I'm constantly suspicious of the only people I do have.

Essentially, I got messed up from the perceived negative relationship with my family, and I'm constantly paranoid that people are going to leave me or talk crap about me.

I have two relationships as well as religious paranoia that are helping me hold on, but it's like I'm constantly teetering over the edge. (Apologies if this doesn't fit on the thread.)

 

[downndone2]

A bunch of shitty mistakes, losing everything, heartbreak, poor health, debt, fear, anxiety, depression, isolation, loneliness...

 

[spiritedspirit]

I won't say I feel your pain, because that would be impossible.

But I do feel for you.

Did he take his own life?

Sending love.

Question: Do you work at any better job than like macdonalds or are you working a real proper job? If so, how did you study to become that with ocd ?
I feel like ocd is like a disease from hell because it makes everything from dishes to doing laundry take 3 hours…

OnT: main point would be that in this life people hate people .. covertly .. so why even bother this shitshow?? It's so dumb this life

 

[Grayfield]

I wouldn't call it depression. It's a heavy unbearable feeling of sadness and void inside. It has taken every corner of my life and stolen all joy. I'm dead inside.

 

[TheDog_]

I'm chronically ill, and there is no cure. Joining support groups made me realize that most people suffer greatly unless your symptoms are mild. Many are already close to dying but the health care system makes it so they struggle at finding proper care to improve quality of life. I used to be healthy and one day my health was simply stripped from me. I wonder if God is real and if he hates me because this is beyond cruel. I am only 20 and most people are diagnosed way later in life, so they had already lived. I was barely beginning my own life. Pity party I guess

 

[Unhumanly.]

Because the way that everytime I keep living and hoping, there will come something that makes my life even more unbearable, like, my illness/disease, or just shitty people in general and shitty environment
And the way it cause my unstableness in relationship just pain me even more

 

[Thisisme373]

Severe depression, anxiety, trauma, toxic family, bad living situation, poor life choices, cannot enjoy anything, doctors gaslighting and not caring, so called friends distancing as I'm so down, my life is hell, I'm just about holding on in hope things certain situations can change which would help my mental state but I am not sure if I will hold on and also if things will even change. I'm living in constant torment

 

[loveechoes]

A bunch of shitty mistakes, losing everything, heartbreak, poor health, debt, fear, anxiety, depression, isolation, loneliness...

All of this!!!

I wouldn't call it depression. It's a heavy unbearable feeling of sadness and void inside. It has taken every corner of my life and stolen all joy. I'm dead inside.

Relatable… beautifully spoke.

 

[justkenisfine]

Depression, anxiety, horrible intrusive thoughts constantly. I don't feel safe in general but I also don't feel "safe" as in I'm safe to be around my friends and gf who I care so much about. It's just scary, and keeps getting worse. I can have some incredible highs but then go so low that I can't get out of bed or eat or shower. Or I'll push myself up and go out into the world only to have panic attacks. God, I can't even enjoy sex, last time I had sex I had a panic attack immediately after and felt like a complete asshole crying and hyperventilating while my partner was still wanting to do more. Sorry if this is tmi, I'm kind of in a bad emotional state right now.

 

[DeathToSpiesSMERSH]

My fiancee breaking up with me (It was a good thing in general, but I still can't help but feel upset), losing both of my parents in a short amount of time to both a heart attack from years of overeating culminating in extreme obesity and outright suicide, incredibly poor life choices, guilt, no real prospects for me, a shit temperament. Also throw in what I believe is gender dysphoria and hating my current self, but not having the energy or power to change it.

I think the icing on top is being Autistic, having dyspraxia, possibly having BPD and developing narcissistic traits.

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I also don't want to be alive, no matter what I do I'm going to hurt someone somehow.

My time comes before I turn 25, I just need to get that sweeeeeeeeeeeet SN and I'll be out of here.

 

[hellispink]

The world is cruel and injustice everywhere. People are dying of hunger riches filling their pockets. Crime selfishness abuse etc at the light of day. And well I also have bdp. And that is the most painful illness one can have. That solely is enough reason. Dont wanna deal with this anymore never again.

 

[Source Energy]

For me, I'm just finished.

I'm fucking done/over/had enough.

Had enough of everything, and have no time for anything.

I have money, looks (so I'm told) all of my gadgets, yet I'm so painfully depressed.

I do have a comorbid diagnosis of EUPD/BPD & OCD, and together is like me trying to fight a sea of demons. It's a torrent of fear, in the form of intrusive thoughts, and I just can't do this anymore.

What is pushing you over the edge (no pun intended)?

I'm planning on taking another OD today, so I suppose I'm just getting emotional. Try to trigger myself, which I'm quite an expert at. I know, I know ... you're probably thinking "well you're still here, fella" but that's only because the bastards ("Professionals") won't let me go.

Yet they still won't help me?

Go figure!

Love to all x.

Being treated like shit at work and generally everywhere where is an sshole on a power trip.
Failures in love, despite having the looks, I attract a lot of attention, but can never be loved back when I fall in love
Watching how ppl interact, how they talk to one another, the self-importance, the jabs, the backstabbing...I want no part of this shit show anymore

 

[angelcircuit]

Ever since I have been on my own and less co-con with others in our (possible) system I feel like I have opened my eyes to the world around me, like a reawakening to how truly morbid our reality is. I have always felt like trying does not matter, as we are nothing but a statistic for the human population, but being on my own I can finally take matters into my own hands and do something about it. We have a variety of disorders as well, for example schizoaffective, BPD, and an ED, and mostly because of these disorders I would rather not stay around for much longer.

I am giving the host, who is also suicidal, some time to come back for good again before I do anything. If he wants to continue living then I do not want to take that from him, but knowing how difficult life is for him I feel like its my obligation to do what he never could. For both of our sake.

 

[The Eeyorish One]

it's a combination of things for me, so here they are in no particular order:

1. I'm a non passing trans person, so I constantly feel dysphoric and like a joke. I feel bad if people misgender me, but I feel bad forcing people to pretend I'm something that I don't look or sound like at all.

2. The general cruelty and unfairness of the world. It's exhausting hearing about another shooting, or genocide, or kidnapping, or whatever. I just can't deal with the fact that humanity never learns.

3. Having treatment resistant depression since early childhood. I pretty much always feel down, exhausted, worthless, etc even if there's no particular reason or trigger.

4. A few specific traumatic events that tbh I don't feel comfortable talking about.

5. The fact that I'm a leech on society / the people around me. I don't work, I barely do any cleaning… I just sit there, taking resources from people who actually contribute.

 

[EraseMe]

Could call it an existential crisis, but in the sense where my existence is my crisis. Just hate my entire person. Wish I could never had existed but that is an impossibility so death is the closest option to that. Been a believer of God most of my life, and while I still do believe in God my perspective of things have shifted a bit the last few years. I find myself beyond any sort of help from the people around me and even God with how I feel towards my existence, so now planning for ctb.

(Sorry beforehand if this triggers some sort of religion debate, that is not the entire point here but it does make up part of my "push" to now desiring ctb. Not looking to argue about beliefs or theology but if you really feel the need to send something arguing for or against religion then just message it to me rather than derailing this thread with it as I've seen happen in many other threads, thanks)

 

[missingpeace]

My case is very rare, I have constant demonic suppression and oppresion from a person who is out to probably kill me, they have significantly cut off my mental cognition, don't let me take number 2s, i'm constantly in constipation, the demonic energy in my body constantly makes me feel like spiders on me, even waiting around for to ctb properly feels like torture and masochistic on my part. I regret not taking action earlier since this has been going on for 2 years, it's only progressively gotten worse and now it's unbearable. I have my SN will be going very soon.