What is holding me back????

[timetogo15]

Today was the day. I had everything ready for SN. Then when it came time to it I couldn't check into the hotel.

I know how much my family loves and ceres for me and hurting them is on my mind, but my pain is worse than that.

This life has thrown me down constantly, yet what is holding me back? Is it my ex who just told me we have no future, yet I'm holding onto the slightest hope?

I don't feel I have SI.

My only thing I feel is the permanency of it. I don't mind being gone forever, but what if that better life was just around the corner? Then again I could be sitting here 5 years from now and everything is 10x worse and I would just say I told you so.

This is all very confusing. I'm sure it is for most people here. I had such a good life from when I was born through college, and since then it's been downhill and further than that.

I want to go so bad, but what's stopping me

 

[jodes2]

Sorry things are so bad for you, I hope you find peace one way or another

 

[BlackWednesday]

Only you can know what's holding you back. I was afraid of dying because I always thought a better life could be round the corner and part of me still thinks that. But it never does get better and I believe it less and less as I get older.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in, and I believe that for many people it's not always easy to let go of this life even if they want to be gone. But at least you have the option of SN for when the time feels right for you to leave, you are not trapped here with no way to escape. I wish you the best.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Only you can know what's holding you back. I was afraid of dying because I always thought a better life could be round the corner and part of me still thinks that. But it never does get better and I believe it less and less as I get older.

For some it very well can get better.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sounds like plain old hope to me. You're young and understandably have belief that life can get better. It can. Who knows what's around the corner? It can get worse, too. Some of it depends on what you do, I'm sure. With a lot of life in front of you it's easy to understand apprehension regarding ctb. As you age, and get nearer to the end of life, hope doesn't have such a hold on you. You have lived more when you're older, seen more, understand more, witnessed more problems that come with ageing, problems you never even gave a second thought to when younger. It sort of all comes together and starts to make sense. Along the ageing highway, maybe you've been dealt blow after blow, which beats you down a little more each time. Everyone ages and dies eventually. You start coupling that understanding with various diseases that are commonplace as we age, being alone, realizing that the best years of your life are long behind you, and you can understand why a lot of people may not want to go through with all that and wait until a natural death occurs.

In your case, though, youth is strong and you don't think about all that, nor should you. It all depends on where you are in life, how much failure, if any, you've had, if you see an prospects for any aspect of your life getting better, if you have the drive and energy to try and make things better for yourself, if you are fulfilled or if there is something missing, all of those things. Hope is a bitch. She doesn't release her grip, easily. As long as she has a hold of you, you probably won't be able to escape her hold, maybe until a few more beat-downs take place in your life and chip away a little more at her grip. Simply stated, you may just not be at that place in your life where you're willing to give up the prospect of something better happening for yourself. It's pretty hard to force it, I'd say impossible, really. I know and understand that life isn't where it should be for you, where you'd like it to be, but the truth of the matter is you may have to ride along on its wave a while longer. It may be out of your control to leave right now. You need to reach an absolute rock bottom like so many others here have. You simply may not be there, yet. You may never get there. I don't know and neither do you. Even "normies" get down on their lives from time to time and feel like killing themselves. Most bounce back. Maybe you're one of those who can bounce back. When your down it's normal to want to end your life. But, to really end your life, you need to be at the last straw of it, where hope has died.

Hope (no pun intended) you get things sorted out and do what's best for you.