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I am what I am.
- Jun 10, 2022
- 102
I'm back here again to vent and rant.
My relationship isn't going well and I've recently found reasons to be suspicious. I don't have any friends that will be here for the long run although I'm trying to stay in touch with one person I knew when I was a kid. Besides that, I don't expect it to last much longer than it already has. Still no job. There is a job I want nearby and I've been able to get my driver's license finally but I've been conflicted with moving forward in life by my suicidal ideation, I guess. Why get a job when I'm going to kill myself soon anyway? Tried applying to college and even thought about continuing to write my book. But, all of this moving forward seems pointless. I lost everything I never took the chance to get. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, being used by friends and guys I was interested in, watching my mom get beat by her boyfriend, my school setting me up when I was kid and saying I accused my mom's boyfriend of molesting me, later lying and saying my mom aunt hit me and broke my jaw and got CPS involved which has only added to the problems I have with my family now, emotionally/verbally unsupportive and abusive adults, and sometimes they were when they wanted to be which confused me even more. This was my childhood. I did have my good things and people. My cousin was the only person I've learned what love is with. Even if she doesn't love me the same or stops loving me back, I would be satisfied at this point knowing she did at one point and would be happy with it being a one-sided care. I don't think there's any reason for her to stop caring but if she does, that's okay with me. Everything other good thing that's happened seems to be vague memories and blurs. Only happened because I needed something to keep me going. Probably instinctual because I'm an animal and most likely was subconsciously aware that I needed something to survive.
I often think about and see people with "normal" lives. The people who haven't gone through things like sexual, emotional, physical, mental, or verbal abuse to the point where it took a toll on their lives and traumatized them for the long run. With stable childhoods and family/friend relationships and good relationships with enough conflict in each of them to better them for the long run. I'm no longer envious of these people with these lives. I think now I don't understand how people can have good lives like that. Not that it makes me upset, but it genuinely confuses me. How is normalcy like that real? How is it possible?
I genuinely long for someone to take care of me and to cure me of the loneliness that I have, but I don't think any amount of genuine companionship I'll ever get will cure me of it. It always just sits and wallows here. I want to be cared for yet I can't accept when I am by the people I want to take care of me and love me. Then, I sabotage it. Not intentionally, out of fear and distrust. That's how I know all of this is my fault. Even if I wasn't the unloyal one in the relationships I've had. I'm too clingy, I'm too distant. I'm too honest, and I'm too shady. I'm too open, and I'm too closed off. I'm too much and too little. I have no idea how to stop my cycle and if I'll ever kill myself to end it, but the only thing I'm aware of is that there is a cycle. I don't know what to say anymore.
My relationship isn't going well and I've recently found reasons to be suspicious. I don't have any friends that will be here for the long run although I'm trying to stay in touch with one person I knew when I was a kid. Besides that, I don't expect it to last much longer than it already has. Still no job. There is a job I want nearby and I've been able to get my driver's license finally but I've been conflicted with moving forward in life by my suicidal ideation, I guess. Why get a job when I'm going to kill myself soon anyway? Tried applying to college and even thought about continuing to write my book. But, all of this moving forward seems pointless. I lost everything I never took the chance to get. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, being used by friends and guys I was interested in, watching my mom get beat by her boyfriend, my school setting me up when I was kid and saying I accused my mom's boyfriend of molesting me, later lying and saying my mom aunt hit me and broke my jaw and got CPS involved which has only added to the problems I have with my family now, emotionally/verbally unsupportive and abusive adults, and sometimes they were when they wanted to be which confused me even more. This was my childhood. I did have my good things and people. My cousin was the only person I've learned what love is with. Even if she doesn't love me the same or stops loving me back, I would be satisfied at this point knowing she did at one point and would be happy with it being a one-sided care. I don't think there's any reason for her to stop caring but if she does, that's okay with me. Everything other good thing that's happened seems to be vague memories and blurs. Only happened because I needed something to keep me going. Probably instinctual because I'm an animal and most likely was subconsciously aware that I needed something to survive.
I often think about and see people with "normal" lives. The people who haven't gone through things like sexual, emotional, physical, mental, or verbal abuse to the point where it took a toll on their lives and traumatized them for the long run. With stable childhoods and family/friend relationships and good relationships with enough conflict in each of them to better them for the long run. I'm no longer envious of these people with these lives. I think now I don't understand how people can have good lives like that. Not that it makes me upset, but it genuinely confuses me. How is normalcy like that real? How is it possible?
I genuinely long for someone to take care of me and to cure me of the loneliness that I have, but I don't think any amount of genuine companionship I'll ever get will cure me of it. It always just sits and wallows here. I want to be cared for yet I can't accept when I am by the people I want to take care of me and love me. Then, I sabotage it. Not intentionally, out of fear and distrust. That's how I know all of this is my fault. Even if I wasn't the unloyal one in the relationships I've had. I'm too clingy, I'm too distant. I'm too honest, and I'm too shady. I'm too open, and I'm too closed off. I'm too much and too little. I have no idea how to stop my cycle and if I'll ever kill myself to end it, but the only thing I'm aware of is that there is a cycle. I don't know what to say anymore.
