What is even the point?

[WorthlessTrash]

What is even the point of me going on? Caring about hobbies, collecting money, caring about my health, when i absolutely hate myself?

Why am i not ready to order the SN, or the N yet? What is stopping me?

Everytime I see people who are living as what I wish I was from the get go, or i see my useless self in the mirror i just want to jump off a building or stab myself 40+ times.

I absolutely cannot stand who and what i am. I cannot stand this skin prison that i am trapped inside. Why cant i just sacrifice my life and donate all of my organs to those that actually want to live? Why should those that want to live have to wait on eggshells for an available donor when i am more than willing to trade my life to save them?

1 worthless life sacrificed to save 5+ people who want to live is a great trade off imo. It's not fair to them that they should potentially die due to lack of a suitable donor and its not fair to me that I should be forced to live when i want out!

Where can i find some murderer that wants to harvest my organs? :/

I'm just done...

 

[FallingGrace]

It's a heroic sentiment but the majority of bodies donated to science actually end up being used in commercial testing (such as in lieu of crash test dummies in vehicles or for testing parachutes), weapons testing, or under the knife of some hungover med student.

Also, have you ever tried stabbing yourself somewhere non-vital, like just to see if you could do it? Near impossible. You'd have to be on a crazy mix of hallucinogens and other drugs to stand a chance CTBing that way.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

It's a heroic sentiment but the majority of bodies donated to science actually end up being used in commercial testing (such as in lieu of crash test dummies in vehicles or for testing parachutes), weapons testing, or under the knife of some hungover med student.

Also, have you ever tried stabbing yourself somewhere non-vital, like just to see if you could do it? Near impossible. You'd have to be on a crazy mix of hallucinogens and other drugs to stand a chance CTBing that way.

No i have not. I wish i could CTB and break through whatever is stopping me

 

[imcurious]

I am sorry you feel the way you do ): I do not know your life story, or your circumstances that allowed you to come to this decision.

As for why you won't just order the SN or N, there's a gap between your SI and conscious thoughts. Like a tug-o-war that fights for your existence in the same way that it doesn't. I always argue that the hardest part of dying isn't the actual process itself, but is rather dissolving the gap that I have mentioned above.

I wish I could give you a hug. From me to you, I wish you love and peace.

 

[Lullaby]

A little different, but I have body dysmorphia so I understand your comments about hating the body you're in. It's gotten worse over the last year and I hate looking in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself or connect with the person I see.

It really sucks. I'm sorry you feel the way you do and what you have to deal with everyday.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in such an unbearable situation. Living really can be so painful as our thoughts can torture us. I also see no point to living, to me life is just suffering for the sake of it. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I am sorry you feel the way you do ): I do not know your life story, or your circumstances that allowed you to come to this decision.

As for why you won't just order the SN or N, there's a gap between your SI and conscious thoughts. Like a tug-o-war that fights for your existence in the same way that it doesn't. I always argue that the hardest part of dying isn't the actual process itself, but is rather dissolving the gap that I have mentioned above.

I wish I could give you a hug. From me to you, I wish you love and peace.

Thank you. Not much needed to know. I really wish I was born female and I hate the male body and everything that comes with being male. Seeing attractive women and their femininity just makes me feel awful. I don't want to transition and go through a 4+ year phase. My only choices are between that, cope with being male or CTB. and I'd honestly rather CTB and see people have the complete lives I wish I had.

 

[LongtimeLoser]

I know it's different from what you are going through, but I'm so envious of people that are healthy. Not even that healthy, just the people that can simply get up, get showered, get dressed, and get out of the house. I look out of my windows each day and wish I was healthy enough to even go to the grocery store. You seem to lead a debilitating life just like me :(

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I know it's different from what you are going through, but I'm so envious of people that are healthy. Not even that healthy, just the people that can simply get up, get showered, get dressed, and get out of the house. I look out of my windows each day and wish I was healthy enough to even go to the grocery store. You seem to lead a debilitating life just like me :(

It is not that different at all my friend. We're both envious of people who have what we want. Your reasons are very valid.

I will admit, I have physical health, but I don't even want it since I can't live the life in the body I want. I know it's not much consolation, but if I could sacrifice myself so you were in adequate health at the very least, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

[Fengshuiside]

I feel you. As a little kid I felt so ashamed of having frequent suicidal thoughts, because I had very loving parents, so I fantasized about dying for someone else so they didn't have to suffer or trading my life to save someone else's life. My own life didn't mean anything to me. I thought that maybe this way my death would be appreciated and accepted more than if I CTB'd. It's funny to think that was 17 years ago when I was around 5-year old and nothing's really changed :D

Though now I realize I'm going to just CTB, since there really is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

EDIT: And it's the same for me, what has stopped me this far is mainly my parents, I didn't want to hurt them, but also the fear of not existing. What happens after death etc. Even though I've already accepted that I will soon take my own life, it's still something that makes me slightly uneasy, but I realize I'll have to face it anyway one day, whether it happens naturally or by my own hand is no different.

 

[LongtimeLoser]

I know it's not much consolation, but if I could sacrifice myself so you were in adequate health at the very least, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I thought I was born lucky. I am super smart and very good looking. As a result I grew up with lots of confidence and was good with the ladies (although I'm very introverted). I wish I could give you all that confidence.

It's amazing to me how different our lives and struggles are… yet our levels of despair couldn't be more alike :(

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I thought I was born lucky. I am super smart and very good looking. As a result I grew up with lots of confidence and was good with the ladies (although I'm very introverted). I wish I could give you all that confidence.

It's amazing to me how different our lives and struggles are… yet our levels of despair couldn't be more alike :(

Confidence is not an issue for me. I just hate being male period lol I find all types and sizes of the male body gross. If I cared about myself, I could probably go back to walking 4 hours a day and eating right and get thin, but what's the point? I just don't want to live any longer.

Even the thought of a female being intimate with me turns my stomach since I hate and detest myself so f'ing much.

I feel you. As a little kid I felt so ashamed of having frequent suicidal thoughts, because I had very loving parents, so I fantasized about dying for someone else so they didn't have to suffer or trading my life to save someone else's life. My own life didn't mean anything to me. I thought that maybe this way my death would be appreciated and accepted more than if I CTB'd. It's funny to think that was 17 years ago when I was around 5-year old and nothing's really changed :D

Though now I realize I'm going to just CTB, since there really is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

EDIT: And it's the same for me, what has stopped me this far is mainly my parents, I didn't want to hurt them, but also the fear of not existing. What happens after death etc. Even though I've already accepted that I will soon take my own life, it's still something that makes me slightly uneasy, but I realize I'll have to face it anyway one day, whether it happens naturally or by my own hand is no different.

Agreed. It's getting to the point where existing for the benefit of others isn't worth it for me. Having no light at the end of the tunnel sucks :(

 

[LongtimeLoser]

Confidence is not an issue for me. I just hate being male period lol I find all types and sizes of the male body gross. If I cared about myself, I could probably go back to walking 4 hours a day and eating right and get thin, but what's the point? I just don't want to live any longer.

Even the thought of a female being intimate with me turns my stomach since I hate and detest myself so f'ing much.

I guess what I meant by confidence was a love for my body. No matter the sex.

I had a bf once that always wanted me to dress up in drag because I'm skinny, naturally olive skinned (although I'm definitely white), and have a baby/cute face. I definitely could have been born female!

I also had a bf that dressed in drag, that called himself a transvestite (even to this day). I thought it was super sexy, but I never would dressed up in drag cuz it's just not what I desired for myself.

I guess I'm telling you all of this cuz it's interesting how so many of my gay friends are into drag, but for you only a female body, from birth, is what it would take for you to be truly happy. You require the impossible bud. Maybe you're just destined to be difficult, lol :)

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I guess what I meant by confidence was a love for my body. No matter the sex.

Thing is, I don't want to be content with being male at all. There's nothing I can accomplish as a male, that I couldn't as an attractive female. Nothing I'd want to do as a male, that a female couldn't.

 

[imcurious]

Thank you. Not much needed to know. I really wish I was born female and I hate the male body and everything that comes with being male. Seeing attractive women and their femininity just makes me feel awful. I don't want to transition and go through a 4+ year phase. My only choices are between that, cope with being male or CTB. and I'd honestly rather CTB and see people have the complete lives I wish I had.

Hi my love. I completely and fully hear you. To feel like your body does not belong to you is debilitating.

The question that arises to me is for what reason you cannot transition. I have met few people in my life who have made the MTF transition, but that is where I am located, which is in the US. While it's definitely not easy, regardless of where you live, I'd argue that estrogen is easier to access in the US than in other areas, but I'm willing to be corrected. Gender reassignment surgery is also a possibility too. I am wondering if it is a lack of right time and place (or resources) that prevents you from transitioning. And in this day and age, that is to be taken advantage of(:

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Hi my love. I completely and fully hear you. To feel like your body does not belong to you is a debilitating.

The question that arises to me is for what reason you cannot transition. I have met few people in my life who have made the MTF transition, but that is where I am located, which is in the US. While it's definitely not easy, regardless of where you live, I'd argue that estrogen is easier to access in the US than in other areas, but I'm willing to be corrected. Gender reassignment surgery is also a possibility too. I am wondering if it is a lack of right time and place (or resources) that prevents you from transitioning. And in this day and age, that is to be taken advantage of(:

Never said i couldn't. I just would rather CTB than have to spend 5+ more years alive. I dont think i will completely pass, i dont want to take hormones for the rest of my life, i dont want to dilate weekly, and its not worth it when ill be close to 40 by the time i fully transition. I wanted to be cis from the get go and not have missed out on young womanhood. Now that ship has sailed.

Since I cannot live the full life i want, i dont want to live at all.

 

[GongLiFang]

I might not have the same struggle but I am certain many on here including myself have felt intense self loathing and anger at our lives and bodies and wishing we could trade it with someone who wants it.

It is okay if you aren't ready, I had that time too, it took me probably around 4 years of hating myself and life to finally have the will strong enough to commit. I mean, there is a reason they call it committing suicide. So please don't beat yourself up even more if you aren't there yet, and while I understand the feelings of "is it fair for me to live resentfully when I could give what I have to someone who wants it?" as I thought these things many times before, these thoughts will be resolved eventually. Because one day you either might have a change of heart with life or eventually get around to donating your body. I know I did the latter, as part of my suicide prep was setting up as an organ donor now that I am going to die.

Anyways, I shouldn't ramble too long, but these feelings are so tough and I am really sorry you are going through them. However, these feelings aren't completely different from others and your pain has been similarly felt by others before and many people here are here for you during this time. You will eventually be able to pick the path you want and donate your body (if that is what you wish) so the guilt you feel now will be resolved one day. Hopefully that can slightly ease your turmoil.

I am here for you

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I might not have the same struggle but I am certain many on here including myself have felt intense self loathing and anger at our lives and bodies and wishing we could trade it with someone who wants it.

It is okay if you aren't ready, I had that time too, it took me probably around 4 years of hating myself and life to finally have the will strong enough to commit. I mean, there is a reason they call it committing suicide. So please don't beat yourself up even more if you aren't there yet, and while I understand the feelings of "is it fair for me to live resentfully when I could give what I have to someone who wants it?" as I thought these things many times before, these thoughts will be resolved eventually. Because one day you either might have a change of heart with life or eventually get around to donating your body. I know I did the latter, as part of my suicide prep was setting up as an organ donor now that I am going to die.

Anyways, I shouldn't ramble too long, but these feelings are so tough and I am really sorry you are going through them. However, these feelings aren't completely different from others and your pain has been similarly felt by others before and many people here are here for you during this time. You will eventually be able to pick the path you want and donate your body (if that is what you wish) so the guilt you feel now will be resolved one day. Hopefully that can slightly ease your turmoil.

I am here for you

Im just tired of doing nothing but farming gems in a gacha game while in bed, tired of being in this body and tired of living in general. Just tired of existing where triggers are shoved in my face constantly. I want my time to come now desperately =/

 

[rationaltake]

Since I cannot live the full life i want, i dont want to live at all.

I so get it. I can't stand this flesh I am forced to inhabit. For different reasons to you. It's impossible for me to have what I want. So I don't want to live.

It's ridiculous in my case because I'm old. Ridiculous as in why don't I just go? Even though I'm old people regularly live for another 20 years beyond my age which I don't want.

Apologies if you don't want to know this. I looked into donating my body. In my country they don't accept a donation if there is an autopsy. And they usually do an autopsy in cases of suicide.

It's a heroic sentiment but the majority of bodies donated to science actually end up being used in commercial testing (such as in lieu of crash test dummies in vehicles or for testing parachutes), weapons testing, or under the knife of some hungover med student.

I wouldn't actually mind most of that. Thanks for pointing it out though. It's a valid point. Not too sure I'd want to assist with weapons testing though.