Discussion What if you're unable to CTB

[BobbyPellitt]

I know many of the members here have been suicidal for a long time, and some may have planned their method of CTB meticulously. The lucky ones are able to overcome their SI and CTB successfully. But the ones that are not so fortunate are stuck here living in pain, either unable to CTB due to not wanting to leave their loved ones in pain or simply not being able to overcome their SI like myself. Now I know many of you aren't planning to live through another year, let alone another 10+ years. But what if you're one of the unfortunate ones whose unable to overcome their SI, forced to live the rest of your life in misery and constantly thinking about CTB, all the while knowing that you'll never pull it off. This is my biggest fear right now, and I hope that neither I or any of you are forced to live in a zombie-like state for the rest of our lives, only alive for the sake of living, while being dead on the inside and wishing for the bus that never came.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I know many of the members here have been suicidal for a long time, and some may have planned their method of CTB meticulously. The lucky ones are able to overcome their SI and CTB successfully. But the ones that are not so fortunate are stuck here living in pain, either unable to CTB due to not wanting to leave their loved ones in pain or simply not being able to overcome their SI like myself. Now I know many of you aren't planning to live through another year, let alone another 10+ years. But what if you're one of the unfortunate ones whose unable to overcome their SI, forced to live the rest of your life in misery and constantly thinking about CTB, all the while knowing that you'll never pull it off. This is my biggest fear right now, and I hope that neither I or any of you are forced to live in a zombie-like state for the rest of our lives, only alive for the sake of living, while being dead on the inside and wishing for the bus that never came.

my fear too-its like a living hell so far- i guess eventually that will make me ovr come si - feels so hard thou

 

[sleepy dog]

I was just today beginning to tell myself "I'm a coward", "I can't do it.", "I'll always be too scared."

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand completely and have thought about this myself. It's very scary isn't it? We're just existing and dying on the inside. We are going through the motions but that is about it. I know the time will come for me when I'm able to do it. I have a progressive pain condition. When my mom dies I'll be homeless and unable to live so I'll have to kill myself by a certain time. But I'm not going to wait that long. It's too painful and I just had a huge falling out with my mom and she's pretty much dead to me. I wish for you that one day you can work up the nerve to end your misery. I always wanted a partner to do this with. Someone who would make sure I'm gone before they do theirs. Or just to have someone to hold hands with as I slip away. Some people on here look for partners. I wonder if you had a partner if it would be a little easier for you. I wish you peace and fast. I don't want you walking around in mental agony your whole life. Lots of love.

 

[namemanthedeadman]

I know that feeling too hard my friend, after backing out on two of my recent hanging excursions, I decided to go with the third option, amphetamines! The sense of well-being it gives is intoxifying! AND motivation!? "Maybe I can actually get up and sort my life out?" I naively think to myself, before I proceed to spend the next 8 hours staring at the wall or waxing the crankshaft, if staring at the wall gets too boring, because what else would I do!?

Now I know why they call it a 'false sense of well-being', it's like I still feel the physical part, but it's all so fake. I felt bad lying to my family about my suicidal behavior, but now I feel like a monster, as I look them dead in the eye, blasted on happy paste and tell them, "everything is okay! In fact I'm better than I've ever been!" Even as I say it I feel the weight of my lie overpower my inflated ego, just enough to keep myself aware of the world around me, which isn't high enough...

Sorry for kind of getting off track there OP, I'm incredibly worried I'll never be able to pull it off, but I also remember that people die from falling down two flights of stairs, if I don't ctb on my own, I'm sure I'll do something stupid enough to do me in...

 

[angie]

I know that feeling too hard my friend, after backing out on two of my recent hanging excursions, I decided to go with the third option, amphetamines! The sense of well-being it gives is intoxifying! AND motivation!? "Maybe I can actually get up and sort my life out?" I naively think to myself, before I proceed to spend the next 8 hours staring at the wall or waxing the crankshaft, if staring at the wall gets too boring, because what else would I do!?

Now I know why they call it a 'false sense of well-being', it's like I still feel the physical part, but it's all so fake. I felt bad lying to my family about my suicidal behavior, but now I feel like a monster, as I look them dead in the eye, blasted on happy paste and tell them, "everything is okay! In fact I'm better than I've ever been!" Even as I say it I feel the weight of my lie overpower my inflated ego, just enough to keep myself aware of the world around me, which isn't high enough...

Sorry for kind of getting off track there OP, I'm incredibly worried I'll never be able to pull it off, but I also remember that people die from falling down two flights of stairs, if I don't ctb on my own, I'm sure I'll do something stupid enough to do me in...

I wonder who invented the phrase that people who commit suicide are cowards . !!!! that phrase is ironic. There talking utter rubbish and do not have a clue how hard it is to overcome SI it takes a helluva lot of courage to do it .

 

[Haku]

I feel like I would have more courage if I had a partner, and a couple of people almost wanted to be my partner, but those that wanted to be my partner have their date for next year and I have mine this December, so guess I'm going at it alone, if my 2 painless methods fail, I will have to resort to a painful one, and if that's the case, I will get as drunk as possible without passing out, I've mentioned this before and people tell me I could screw up drunk, but if it numbs at least a little pain, and my painless methods fail, I have no choice, I am buy a one way ticket to my final destination, so there's no going back, and besides, if I did go back, I would be homeless, and that on top of my already shit life, yea, theres no saving me and no going back

 

[Rachel74]

I'm a coward, my last attempts failed then I had N knowing it would work and I chickened out giving life and love another chance. I just can't do it to the people around me. I just can't

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I know many of the members here have been suicidal for a long time, and some may have planned their method of CTB meticulously. The lucky ones are able to overcome their SI and CTB successfully. But the ones that are not so fortunate are stuck here living in pain, either unable to CTB due to not wanting to leave their loved ones in pain or simply not being able to overcome their SI like myself. Now I know many of you aren't planning to live through another year, let alone another 10+ years. But what if you're one of the unfortunate ones whose unable to overcome their SI, forced to live the rest of your life in misery and constantly thinking about CTB, all the while knowing that you'll never pull it off. This is my biggest fear right now, and I hope that neither I or any of you are forced to live in a zombie-like state for the rest of our lives, only alive for the sake of living, while being dead on the inside and wishing for the bus that never came.

That's me. Can't do it. Feels so alien. I'm going to die horrendously but there is a world of difference between having something happen to you and making it happen. And whatever course of action I choose it always makes things worse. I'm actually starting to think the universe really is out to get me. Oh the mental people will wet themselves in pleasure if I tell them that!

 

[Marz]

SI is so strong for me. The only time I did not succumb to it was in my first attempt, because my father posed a threat (he was abusive and that's what pushed me to it- I was scared he would find me and hurt me again. So scared SI didn't even appear). I was 13. Now it's just too strong with the methods I have in hand. Hanging or jumping. I'm too poor for anything that'd be easier to overcome the instinct, so I'm stuck between paralyzing fear of not doing it, and doing it and failing. It's so dumb.

 

[Avery Jordan]

One just needs a little money to ctb painlessly. It doesn't take that much money, even a homeless person could pull it off. All they need is the right information. Or a strong desire to at least find those peaceful methods. Check the sticky resources page.

 

[Marz]

One just needs a little money to ctb painlessly. It doesn't take that much money, even a homeless person could pull it off. All they need is the right information. Or a strong desire to at least find those peaceful methods. Check the sticky resources page.

That logic does not work if a person lives in third world countries, dear.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm a coward, my last attempts failed then I had N knowing it would work and I chickened out giving life and love another chance. I just can't do it to the people around me. I just can't ❤

Once u get to a point where u lose the fear and it takes awhile to get there for some people. It's a process. Everything has to line up. Not feeling u have purpose or belonging, feeling like a burden, and losing the fear. The desire to die has to override the fear of dying. I'm sure being in poverty is a big driver too or impending financial dire straights.

 

[MeltingHeart]

One just needs a little money to ctb painlessly. It doesn't take that much money, even a homeless person could pull it off. All they need is the right information. Or a strong desire to at least find those peaceful methods. Check the sticky resources page.

But a homeless person couldn't get SN , you'd need an address , constant internet access for all the details and planning, a bank account / pay pal

 

[Rachel74]

Once u get to a point where u lose the fear and it takes awhile to get there for some people. It's a process. Everything has to line up. Not feeling u have purpose or belonging, feeling like a burden, and losing the fear. The desire to die has to override the fear of dying. I'm sure being in poverty is a big driver too or impending financial dire straights.

I think my fear at dying stopped me and I didn't want to die. Had a bad 2 days and I could have easily done it.

 

[Final Escape]

But a homeless person couldn't get SN , you'd need an address , constant internet access for all the details and planning, a bank account / pay pal

A homeless person can do it if they are a high functioning homeless. It's just more of a pain in the ass I'm sure. If you are only homeless but able to manage other aspects of the things u need to remain healthy. I would guess the homeless mentally ill are who would have a harder time. I would probably tumble down mentally really fast if I became homeless and the homeless life would be what actually kills me.

 

[Avery Jordan]

But a homeless person couldn't get SN , you'd need an address , constant internet access for all the details and planning, a bank account / pay pal

Nope
Set up a PO box at the post office to get your stuff in the mail.

Use a library computer, or Obama phone for internet.

Use a prepaid Visa giftcard for buying.

And donate plasma at a plasma center for money.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Plus even £10 is a lot of money when ur homeless - trust me I know . I didn't even have a phone or anything

 

[suffering]

I feel you. I just have no words anymore, this is a nightmare.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Nope
Set up a PO box at the post office to get your stuff in the mail.

Use a library computer, or Obama phone for internet.

Use a prepaid Visa giftcard for buying.

And donate plasma at a plasma center for money.

In the uk PO box s cost money to receive post.

You have to be registered at a library to use internet- which u need an address for

There is no such thing as paid plasma donations - only free blood donation, some pay as part of clinical trial but u have to be very healthy - I couldn't even do it with a bad cough.

You can't register for drug trials - without an address & usual being in pretty good health prior - which a lot of homeless won't be. And not have drunk/ smoked for so many months. And u know been on the streets an all- u might resort to some small comforts

Not sure about visa things. But when u are properly homeless - it is VERY hard to get a lot of stuff done. Bare in mind trying to think straight - when I've been walking around in the cold for days / your barely eating. Anyways guess a lot of homeless pass away tragically before they even get to tht point or have to use a more brutal method

In the uk PO box s cost money to receive post.

You have to be registered at a library to use internet- which u need an address for

There is no such thing as paid plasma donations - only free blood donation.

You can't register for drug trials - without an address & usual being in pretty good health prior - which a lot of homeless won't be. And not have drunk/ smoked for so many months. And u know been on the streets an all- u might resort to some small comforts

Not sure about visa things- pretty sure u need a physical address- and P.O. Box aren't allowed for such things. When u are properly homeless - it is VERY hard to get a lot of stuff done. Bare in mind trying to think straight - when youve been walking around in the cold for days / your barely eating. All u can focus on in trying to get a cup of tea and a snack. Anyways guess a lot of homeless pass away tragically before they even get to tht point or have to use a more brutal method

 

[Avery Jordan]

In the uk PO box s cost money to receive post.

You have to be registered at a library to use internet- which u need an address for

There is no such thing as paid plasma donations - only free blood donation, some pay as part of clinical trial but u have to be very healthy - I couldn't even do it with a bad cough.

You can't register for drug trials - without an address & usual being in pretty good health prior - which a lot of homeless won't be. And not have drunk/ smoked for so many months. And u know been on the streets an all- u might resort to some small comforts

Not sure about visa things. But when u are properly homeless - it is VERY hard to get a lot of stuff done. Bare in mind trying to think straight - when I've been walking around in the cold for days / your barely eating. Anyways guess a lot of homeless pass away tragically before they even get to tht point or have to use a more brutal method

No
One can donate plasma and get paid for it. I use to do it myself. I know a homeless man that does it too. also I know many people on link that sell link food stamp money in exchange for cash. So there's ways for them to get money.

 

[MeltingHeart]

No
One can donate plasma and get paid for it. I use to do it myself. I know a homeless man that does it too. also I know many people on link that sell link food stamp money in exchange for cash. So there's ways for them to get money.

Apparently it is illegal to sell blood or plasma in the UK. . I tried before and had no luck. But maybe you know places that I can not find through research. Im sure your right, there are always ways around things I guess- just prob ALOT harder for a cold, exhausted, hungry homeless person, was all i meant.

Apparently it is illegal to sell blood or plasma in the UK. . I tried before and had no luck. I did read that one of the main reasons that they wanted only free donations in the first place- was precisely to avoid desperate people; drug addicts/ homelss-that may lie about whether there blood was potential contaminated. But maybe you know places that I can not find through research. Im sure your right, there are always ways around things I guess- just prob ALOT harder for a cold, exhausted, hungry homeless person, was all i meant