Discussion What if the suffering is deserved?

[smoke&popcorn]

During the lockdown, my fiance and I (faithfully together for almost 6 years at this point) were physically separated for close to a year. During this time, I had an affair that lasted about a month. I lied, manipulated, and gaslit her. She found out and words cannot describe the amount of pain I put her through. Deservingly so, she left me.
This was over 2 years ago now. This isn't about her - just adding context to who I am. I've accepted a while ago that there is no place for someone like me in her or another person's life. Since what I did to her, I have lived in a constant state of depression, shame, and guilt. I want it to end. I am so ready for all of this to fucking end. In many ways, CTB feels almost like a civil service knowing the type of person I am now - like its a good deed to make sure I never put someone else through the same pain and grief again. The only time I feel a sense of pride anymore is thinking about that.
I've had several attempts over the past 2 years (some being much closer than others). But of the one's where I've made a conscious decision to stop or not follow through, it wasn't fear of death or new optimism that stopped me. It's been the thought that after all I put her through, CTB is too easy of a way out. That I deserve to feel all of the suffering that I am feeling, and that I haven't suffered enough yet.
My question is who am I to be the judge on when I can end it or if I deserve more? I'll never know the pain and suffering I put her through, so how do I know when I've suffered enough to take accountability? Would CTB be taking accountability? Does any of this even matter?

 

[Sittichmutter]

We humans are very imperfect creatures.
We lie, we deceive, we fail.
Sometimes, we need to be scolded from our actions. But If you failed you gf, lost her and understood the wrongdoing, I do not think you deserve to suffer longer or CTB.
Your conscious is your judge. You've been already through trial. You recognized your mistakes and is willing to change.
So, you are free to Go now.

 

[smoke&popcorn]

We humans are very imperfect creatures.
We lie, we deceive, we fail.
Sometimes, we need to be scolded from our actions. But If you failed you gf, lost her and understood the wrongdoing, I do not think you deserve to suffer longer or CTB.
Your conscious is your judge. You've been already through trial. You recognized your mistakes and is willing to change.
So, you are free to Go now.

I'm not looking to justify what I did or go through the 'to err is human' debate. What's done is done and I've fully accepted that. I am ready to CTB, and this is what I want. The feeling that I haven't suffered enough to make things fair or even is what's holding me back. I know the world is not a fair or even place, but that doesn't mean I can't make it a little moreso before I leave. I guess to rephrase my question, its how to let go of the feeling that I still have more sentence to serve? That CTB is actually showing myself kindness as opposed to 'taking the easy way out'?

 

[Rezzienator]

What if she were/is cheating all along and you just don't know about it??? Would that change things?

 

[Sittichmutter]

Have you talked to your therapist about this issue?

 

[onleana]

(sorry for my english in advance). im very sorry for her, and im very sorry for you. you both must be in great pain.

sometimes i think about this too. for many many years i have psychologically tortured my little brother who wanted nothing but love and acceptance from me. i was so extremely cruel and awful. the guilt and sadness is eating me alive. the way i see it is that i have to atone for what i've done somehow. i am now the best sister i can possibly be for him, even tho i know the pain i caused him will propably never go away.

i can't answer your questions but my advice for you is to understand why you did this thing. were you feeling insecure? did you lack closeness and intimacy? maybe you felt like you were not good enough for her? i doubt you cheated because you are an evil, not caring about anyone monster. when i finally understood that i bullied my brother because of insecurity, jealousy, feeling unloved and abandoned i felt some kind of peace. i explained this to him, told him that it had nothing to do with him and that i regret it deeply. i'd advise you to try to understand yourself, understand why you made that bad decision and try to forgive yourself a little. i think you do deserve peace. you are clearly suffering a lot, feel guilt and regret what you did. we are just people. we are flawed and make mistakes, some small some big, some silly and some awful. and that's okay. while the things we did are horrible i don't believe that makes us horrible humans who don't even deserve death. you did a bad thing, so did i, and we deserve peace.
but thats just my opinion. im very sorry if this all is uncalled for, you can ignore it. i wish you the best man. sending you lots of hugs

 

[whatevs]

Isn't it preferable to be a psychopath or a narcissist instead of dwelling into the crap you did wrong? I'm like you to a extent, a self-loather, but I also wonder, if we really aren't good people (which is false btw) why don't we embrace and love ourselves? Like narcs etc do.

You hate yourself, and say that distancing yourself from people or CTB is some kind of gift to society. Well, I'd rather not hate myself and accept that I am not an immaculate being than doing that. The very fact that you feel so strongly about the cheating shows that you aren't irredeemable. Just my two cents.

My advice in TLDR is: neither a guiltless narc nor a guilt-ridden self-loather, in the middle lies the sweet spot. But if I had to choose between the two extremes, I'd love myself first.

 

[wrybuzzard]

I'm not looking to justify what I did or go through the 'to err is human' debate. What's done is done and I've fully accepted that. I am ready to CTB, and this is what I want. The feeling that I haven't suffered enough to make things fair or even is what's holding me back. I know the world is not a fair or even place, but that doesn't mean I can't make it a little moreso before I leave. I guess to rephrase my question, its how to let go of the feeling that I still have more sentence to serve? That CTB is actually showing myself kindness as opposed to 'taking the easy way out'?

I guess only you can answer that. It almost sounds like you're feeling there's a karmic balance in the universe.
Your ongoing suffering likely has no impact on anyone beyond you, you definitely sound like your harshest critic.
As you say, if the world isn't fair, then why do you need to be 'punished' to balance the scales?
I agree with @onleana
I hope you find some peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

It seems as though you are already suffering enough. Yes, of course you did something wrong but that does not mean you deserve pain. You have the right to exit at a time of your own choosing, and it is your life and your decision. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Luchs]

For me it is definetly true that I deserve it. I'm an annoying, childish, narcissistic piece of human filth, I want my death to be violent and painful, because I deserve it. I am not a practicing Christian, but I hope hell is real, because any other afterlife, reincarnationor or lack thereof is too good for me.

 

[Crazy4u]

I also recommend talking to a therapist about the entire issue. If you feel comfortable, share your op with your ex after removing suicide attempts

 

[justtiredofit]

I don't think suffering is deserved. Many of us were told to believe that God created us in "his" image and were given freewill, but only freewill to do what "he" wants, anything else we're punished for. This same God that is known to have wiped out civilizations and strike people down in anger. This same God that apparently gave us a set of rules to live by, that revolves around "his" vanity. This same God that tests people in such vile ways, that if we followed suit, we'd be arrested. Well if we're created in "his" image, and with all those powers "he" can't even control "his" vices, how the hell are we expected to do so and why should we be the ones punished.

 

[Chiisai]

I do not have answers to your question but if I were to put myself in that situation, I will live by this quote:

"He that dies pays all debts." - William Shakespeare

Sounds similar to how samurais retain honor.

 

[deleted]

In a way I also cheated on the girl I liked I kept in touch with many girls and received pictures, as the friend said above we are imperfect beings and in no way taking your life will make up for your mistake just accept that you failed and try to be better next time not to make the same mistake twice, don't be so hard on yourself