What I think about modern relationships

[SoulofSteel]

I feel like the standard or trend for relationships nowadays for a lot of people (not everybody) has become to treat them like a game, two people can get along for a long time and every thing can go so well yet the minute problems start arising one of them (or both at times) decides that the best course of action is to bail on the other person and call it a day, while the other just has to suck it up and accept it.
Of course that's facilitated by how everybody thinks that people are disposable since other options always exist anyway and are encouraged to leave relationships where they feel unhappy. And while that is completely justified in the case of abusive partners or cases where shit is literally unfixable it seems that it has extended to dumping someone for whatever reason you can justify to yourself and then present them with the universal excuse that is "things aren't working out" .... and from there it just becomes a game of trial and error until you find the person "who's right for you".
I think this happens usually because nobody was willing to sacrifice or compromise for the other, which is something that I can understand if the reasons are majorly different moral stances, worldviews and the like... but even then it just speaks about how a lot of people don't even discuss the most very important things in the very beginning. And if the issues could be fixed then, why not give it another whirl? Why leave someone who is still fighting tooth and nail because they've been serious the whole time? Especially when you know it will only lead them to a world of hurt.
My favourite line is, "you can't force someone to be with you, it's their choice" which basically defeats the whole purpose of trust since at the end of the day, if I can't trust someone who chose to be with me in the first place to stay, then what's the point of it all? In all honesty it just seems like a justification to finally be free to cheat on someone and not face any guilt nor repercussions whatsoever.

Another trend is how people see their youth as a time to just experiment with, basically rack up your body count while you're young and never be satisfied with anything because you should be exploring your options, it's okay if you're not ready for a commitment at that age anyway! Shit like this has just become expected, encouraged even.

In my opinion break ups/divorces should only be a last option when it's been made clear that the relationship cannot be saved, yet it seems that it's become far from the last resort.

Seriously how do people not realize that things have become fucked up? Instead it became so expected despite the mental and psychological troubles it brings with it, at this point what's the fucking point in starting a relationship or wanting to build a family if it has to be be like a fucking a gacha game where things might be good yet if they go bad they could leave you mentally anguished for months, years or even for life.

I'm sick and tired of what we've come to.

 

[𝗟𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆]

That's why I'm scared of relationships.
I don't think men take me seriously, I feel like I'm probably just gonna end up as their sex toy till they find someone new. People don't want to commit into relationships anymore. The moment something doesn't go their way they just decide to quit without even trying to fix it first. Finding someone who truly wants to be with you and wants to try even during dark times is so rare I don't even bother. I just rather be single.

 

[ggetout33]

I'm just patiently waiting for the AI sexbots, at this point I don't think it's worth trying to get in a relationship.

 

[R_N]

I couldn't really connect well physically but I still was able to be attached and like some people. Still even like that lack of loyalty was always what hurt me most.

Humans are not reliable and are unpredictable, plus being attached to someone to great degrees will end up hurting you one way or another. It is better to be able to move on and replace everything with something else. That is what I think after all I endured throughout my life and it helped me calm myself in this hell at least. If I was emotional trainwreck I was before I would just hurt myself more which is pointless.

I get it tho. Chasing those kind of highs and pleasures is tempting as a human. I went through it myself. I would never ever go back. I also find it blinding. I was not really rational when I was more emotional. I saw everything even less clearly.

 

[noSuffering]

No dude. A traditional type of thinking like yours in 100% of cases leads to violence against women. It is unacceptable. Communication is a voluntary choice of both parties. No one has to be with anyone. Not for a second. Every second of love is a voluntary decision of both parties. Everything arises and disappears, that is the nature of existence. Everything changes. No one can count on what will happen to them in the future. If I found love now, it's amazing. But expecting this to last into the future is not only stupid, but also painful. Clinging and attachment are the cause of suffering and are unnecessary.

Where there is jealousy, there is no love. As soon as the desire to possess or be with someone arose, you lost him/her/. And we are not talking about days or even minutes, but about fractions of a second. The fractal nature of time.

 

[noname223]

I feel like the standard or trend for relationships nowadays for a lot of people (not everybody) has become to treat them like a game, two people can get along for a long time and every thing can go so well yet the minute problems start arising one of them (or both at times) decides that the best course of action is to bail on the other person and call it a day, while the other just has to suck it up and accept it.
Of course that's facilitated by how everybody thinks that people are disposable since other options always exist anyway and are encouraged to leave relationships where they feel unhappy. And while that is completely justified in the case of abusive partners or cases where shit is literally unfixable it seems that it has extended to dumping someone for whatever reason you can justify to yourself and then present them with the universal excuse that is "things aren't working out" .... and from there it just becomes a game of trial and error until you find the person "who's right for you".
I think this happens usually because nobody was willing to sacrifice or compromise for the other, which is something that I can understand if the reasons are majorly different moral stances, worldviews and the like... but even then it just speaks about how a lot of people don't even discuss the most very important things in the very beginning. And if the issues could be fixed then, why not give it another whirl? Why leave someone who is still fighting tooth and nail because they've been serious the whole time? Especially when you know it will only lead them to a world of hurt.
My favourite line is, "you can't force someone to be with you, it's their choice" which basically defeats the whole purpose of trust since at the end of the day, if I can't trust someone who chose to be with me in the first place to stay, then what's the point of it all? In all honesty it just seems like a justification to finally be free to cheat on someone and not face any guilt nor repercussions whatsoever.

Another trend is how people see their youth as a time to just experiment with, basically rack up your body count while you're young and never be satisfied with anything because you should be exploring your options, it's okay if you're not ready for a commitment at that age anyway! Shit like this has just become expected, encouraged even.

In my opinion break ups/divorces should only be a last option when it's been made clear that the relationship cannot be saved, yet it seems that it's become far from the last resort.

Seriously how do people not realize that things have become fucked up? Instead it became so expected despite the mental and psychological troubles it brings with it, at this point what's the fucking point in starting a relationship or wanting to build a family if it has to be be like a fucking a gacha game where things might be good yet if they go bad they could leave you mentally anguished for months, years or even for life.

I'm sick and tired of what we've come to.

Very interesting contrarian take. I think I don't agree in some instances. Honestly for my age I feel ashamed never to have been in a relationship my mental health (paranoia) always ruins it.

I try to be careful with crushs. I have the feeling I needed a partner for good and bad times. And I think it is hard find someone like that maybe especially nowadays but I cannot compare that.

I have at college contact with an extremely attractive woman. I felt the chemistry fitted the first time we spoke maybe I ruined it by being needy pretty quickly or she always considered me only a friend.

I am careful not to develop a strong crush on her. She looks extremely good and I don't want to be superficial or fall for the halo effect. Moreover I think a woman like her gets "harrassed" by compliments every single day. Also when I talked to her she first thought I would be one of these sleazy guys.

I have the feeling though such an extremely attractive woman would probably never stick to me if she had like 100 better alternative every single day. Let's be real a woman like her could find find 5 new boyfriends taking a 30 minutes walk in the forest.
Maybe I am generalizing too much but it helps to lose the interest in her. She is not my league and having such a crush (which is not realistic) seems unhealthy.

Maybe I am only talking bullshit sadly I don't have much experiences on this.

 

[tiger b]

I have at college contact with an extremely attractive woman. I felt the chemistry fitted the first time we spoke maybe I ruined it by being needy pretty quickly or she always considered me only a friend.

It's difficult not to if you like someone and aren't arrogant/narcissist or have lots of experience, or aren't a good actor. Chemistry can be very overpowering. Phenylethylamine - curse you!

I am careful not to develop a strong crush on her. She looks extremely good and I don't want to be superficial or fall for the halo effect.

Ah the halo effect, one of the biggest curses on humanity. It's there for a reason, and the reason isn't happiness.

Moreover I think a woman like her gets "harrassed" by compliments every single day. Also when I talked to her she first thought I would be one of these sleazy guys.

Not necessarily true - some men just don't approach because they presume way too much. Also, it depends on the compliment and the intent behind it. If the compliment isn't something they've heard one million times before, it's sincere, and the intent isn't to get her into bed, then it is not harassment. Did she tell you that you thought that?

I have the feeling though such an extremely attractive woman would probably never stick to me if she had like 100 better alternative every single day.

Ok probably you're right but there's only one judge on that and everyone is different.

Let's be real a woman like her could find find 5 new boyfriends taking a 30 minutes walk in the forest.

And at least four might be burying bodies.

Maybe I am generalizing too much but it helps to lose the interest in her. She is not my league and having such a crush (which is not realistic) seems unhealthy.

Possibly. Probably. Women aren't stupid, she probably knows.

Maybe I am only talking bullshit sadly I don't have much experiences on this.

And that's the real issue imo, and experience can be painful to gain.

They say I gotta learn, but nobody's here to teach me
If they can't understand it, how can they reach me?
I guess they can't, I guess they won't
I guess they front, that's why I know my life is out of luck, fool

Can't believe I'm quoting Coolio.

...

On the op...dating apps and the internet have changed things a lot. Even if not used, the impression that people have lots of other options (even if they are deluding themselves) vastly decreases people's desire to stay and work at a relationship. Being single is also more socially acceptable. And maybe people just want too much from them, in general.

 

[SaveForSuit]

Although I wholeheartedly believe there are genuine good people out there that I'm compatible with, finding those types of people feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack. The dating work sucks, everyone treats it like a game, especially with dating apps added into the mix. It isn't even fun to me, because people are so willing to just ghost people they don't end up liking, no matter how long they've been in a relationship. Don't even get me started on the loyalty aspect. I'm not saying I've had tons of experience with this myself, but it seems like it's all I hear about nowadays, and it just makes it all so unmotivating.

 

[SoulofSteel]

No dude. A traditional type of thinking like yours in 100% of cases leads to violence against women. It is unacceptable. Communication is a voluntary choice of both parties. No one has to be with anyone. Not for a second. Every second of love is a voluntary decision of both parties. Everything arises and disappears, that is the nature of existence. Everything changes. No one can count on what will happen to them in the future. If I found love now, it's amazing. But expecting this to last into the future is not only stupid, but also painful. Clinging and attachment are the cause of suffering and are unnecessary.

Where there is jealousy, there is no love. As soon as the desire to possess or be with someone arose, you lost him/her/. And we are not talking about days or even minutes, but about fractions of a second. The fractal nature of time.

I'm saying that people should be held accountable for their decisions, if we take loyalty and accountability out of the equation then there is no order in things anymore.

Also I clearly stated that commitment shouldn't be at the expense of someone's mental or physical health, if there's abuse then the other party has the right to leave. So I don't understand the part about how traditional relstionships leads to violence against women? Hell I didn't even bring up gender in the discussion in the first place.

If you just wanna live in the moment and be free to do whatever you want at any given moment then more power to you, just stay away from someone who has different expectations... that's literally the whole point of my post, communicate shit st the very beginning and if you don't think you're compatible and/or ready for a long term investment then just say so from the very beginning.
As much as people nowadays don't like to hear it we do owe others we've made promises to, and attachment and jealousy are all natural feelings that go hand in hand with love, that's the way things have always worked, otherwise we wouldn't be wired to feel sadness, grief, anger etc... when it comes to loss or cheating.
Being fickle and running away from engagements and responsiblities is a plague of its own.

Although I wholeheartedly believe there are genuine good people out there that I'm compatible with, finding those types of people feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack. The dating work sucks, everyone treats it like a game, especially with dating apps added into the mix. It isn't even fun to me, because people are so willing to just ghost people they don't end up liking, no matter how long they've been in a relationship. Don't even get me started on the loyalty aspect. I'm not saying I've had tons of experience with this myself, but it seems like it's all I hear about nowadays, and it just makes it all so unmotivating.

Sad how it's just the state of the world right now but what can you do...

 

[noname223]

Not necessarily true - some men just don't approach because they presume way too much. Also, it depends on the compliment and the intent behind it. If the compliment isn't something they've heard one million times before, it's sincere, and the intent isn't to get her into bed, then it is not harassment. Did she tell you that you thought that?

Sometimes this topic torments me so much tht it is difficult to write about it so I will keep it short.

The first time I approached her it sounded like she assumed I wanted to flirt with her. She emphasized she is a feminist. But she realized I did not want to flirt. I did not even compliment her I just was just genuinely curious about something.

 

[Celerity]

A lot of what you said can be applied to friendships too. When things get tough with someone, why stick around when you might be able to find a better option? People have acted capriciously since there have been people, but is easier than ever to do so consequence-free. A lot of people react to this by being even more jealous and possessive than they might otherwise be. The rest of us (most of us on here, I would gather) just avoid getting ourselves entangled in any of it for better or for worse.

So, I agree with you for the most part. Not sure where that other commentor is getting the misogyny vibes.