It started with the idea of me being completely, 100% useless and boring. I know good things will happen to me, I can travel, I can go to concerts, spend valuable time with my friends, read tons of good books or whatever. I have a loving family and friends, quite a good job, a safe place to live, etc. So, good things are ahead of me, for sure. And not that I'm not grateful but umm I guess everyone dies at some point and everyone will lose their future one day. So if it's inevitable - who cares when it happens. It will be even easier now that I hate myself and I don't care about my future and I'm not even a bit sad about not having to live it. It's like wasting time and space here.
Also, when it comes down to my family for instance. I used to feel guilty for wanting to leave them but tbh not anymore. I didn't ask for suicidal ideation and I didn't want it my life. Once it's here, I have to deal with it and I am allowed to lose. Just as you're allowed to die of cancer or a heart attack or whatever. And each one of them will have to die, too. So the others will have to go through grief many times and that's just a part of life. If they love life so much they should accept it lol. It shouldn't be my problem and definitely not my fault or anything.