What harm can a little waiting do?

[Final_frontier]

Hello I'm new here. Would you mind reading my story, it'd make me feel a little better.
I've been suffering for a while now. I "contracted" my mental illness (OCD) when I was 12 (now I'm 24). I don't know something in my brain blew off at that age making me develop full blown OCD. Until then I was a "normal" kid then I suddenly began obsessing about stuff excessively and from there it has been a slippery slope. When I was 16, 17 I became severely depressed and one day it got so bad I had to let my parents know and I got treatment and I actually felt better. And then I made a terrible mistake. I decided to go to med school only to suffer a full blown relapse 3 years in. In between I've taken several "treatments" but hasn't helped at all. I've failed in the finals which triggered a severe depressive episode and now i feel i'm never going to clear those 2 papers I have left. I've lost all confidence in myself. I can't study. I've decided to give one final try to treatment although I don't really believe in psychiatric drugs and if this fails, I'll ctb preferably with the sn method. Mental illness is a curse. All this time, I've waited with the thought that what harm can a little waiting do. But all it has done is prolong my pain. I'm starting to think that if one develops a serious mental illness, unless it is some mild depression, it'd be wise to ctb as ASAP. What do you think?

 

[Final_frontier]

I empathize with your situation. My issues didn't become serious until about 5 years ago and then my life fell apart. Now here I am 31, living with friends and counting on them to take care of me during my seizures. I feel like a burden.

But I've decided to hang on and keep trying. Maybe I will find a seizure medication that is effective...maybe I can learn to cope with my anxiety and eventually be able to take care of myself again. The option to ctb will always be there and these forums really help me feel less isolated.

I don't think there is harm in waiting. It may be difficult...but then again if it gets to be too overwhelming I have the option to ctb. Like a comfort blanket.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much with school and life in general right now. I'm here to talk anytime.

Welcome to the community!

Thank you. I've been hanging on for 12 years but after my last failure, my depression and anxiety became so overwhelming I started losing self-control and becoming violent towards my family. I began bothering my mom as I wouldn't let her sleep. I would constantly tellher, "I wanna die". I started becoming sadistic. The sad thing is my mom now suffers from depression as well but thankfully she's getting better. I feel guilty for putting her in this position. I don't wanna hurt my family ever again. They're the only people in the world who love me and would put up with me. So by hanging on, it can get to a dangerous point where you lose self control and end up hurting your loved ones.

 

[color_me_gone]

Do you remember any major events at 12 years old that may have triggered your OCD / depression?
Would you care to share them with us, if there were? If not, that is fine.

You know 12 is when puberty begins.
It also seems the time when many young people develop depression.
Perhaps you can do a little Googling to find any information which may apply to yourself.

Do you know that almost everybody suffers from at least some depression in that age group?
Some suffer more and some less.
Adolescence suffers the highest ctb rate than any other age group.

In 1970, at age 18, I tried to ctb with a running car in a closed garage by carbon monoxide.
After 10 minutes, I started getting dizzy, I got scared, and decided to stop it.
When I look back, I am glad I did, because things did get better.
I am only offering my situation.
At 66, I still suffer depression, but it has its ups and downs.

You need to light up. You are being too hard on yourself.
That is typical of people who suffer depression.
Your brain is not giving you the chemical rewards to make you feel good about yourself.
This can be caused by your surrounding, or it could be a problem in the brain itself,
being stingy about releasing these reward when it should be.
Examples of situations when you should receive major releases of this reward in the brain are:
1. Receiving an award or complements for a major accomplishment you have achieved.
2. Developing an intimate relationship with another person.
These chemical reward releases are infinitely better than psychiatric drugs or therapy.

It seem to me (maybe I'm wrong) that school performance has got you down, big time.
This seems to be a egg/chicken scenario, which came first chicken? egg?
Did OCD begin to affect your school performance, or did school performance bring on OCD?
Either way, it probably doesn't matter now, because it has become a downward spiral.

Med school is a tough cookie to crack.
I am curious, did you select this field because you are truly interested in it?
Or were you pressured by your parents? If you were pressured, then that is not fair to you.
You need to confront your parents on that, if you were.

Perhaps you have another field of study you would enjoy?
You serious need to feel better about yourself.
You need to realize that you have done the best effort you can, at the moment.
You need to forgive yourself. You yourself know you have done your best.
Nobody can ask for more than that.

I can only offer to you something that works for me, which is meditation.
Google meditation. Learn about the many types. Try a few. Find one that works for you.
If you can connect with it, it is absolutely great. It costs no money. You can do it in your own time.
Only you have to know you are doing it.
Using meditation, you can learn how to forgive yourself. How to love yourself. How to love others.
I am going to stop here to see what your responses are.
Good luck to you. Many hugs to you!
Jerry

 

[Final_frontier]

Do you remember any major events at 12 years old that may have triggered your OCD / depression?
Would you care to share them with us, if there were? If not, that is fine.

You know 12 is when puberty begins.
It also seems the time when many young people develop depression.
Perhaps you can do a little Googling to find any information which may apply to yourself.

Do you know that almost everybody suffers from at least some depression in that age group?
Some suffer more and some less.
Adolescence suffers the highest ctb rate than any other age group.

In 1970, at age 18, I tried to ctb with a running car in a closed garage by carbon monoxide.
After 10 minutes, I started getting dizzy, I got scared, and decided to stop it.
When I look back, I am glad I did, because things did get better.
I am only offering my situation.
At 66, I still suffer depression, but it has its ups and downs.

You need to light up. You are being too hard on yourself.
That is typical of people who suffer depression.
Your brain is not giving you the chemical rewards to make you feel good about yourself.
This can be caused by your surrounding, or it could be a problem in the brain itself,
being stingy about releasing these reward when it should be.
Examples of situations when you should receive major releases of this reward in the brain are:
1. Receiving an award or complements for a major accomplishment you have achieved.
2. Developing an intimate relationship with another person.
These chemical reward releases are infinitely better than psychiatric drugs or therapy.

It seem to me (maybe I'm wrong) that school performance has got you down, big time.
This seems to be a egg/chicken scenario, which came first chicken? egg?
Did OCD begin to affect your school performance, or did school performance bring on OCD?
Either way, it probably doesn't matter now, because it has become a downward spiral.

Med school is a tough cookie to crack.
I am curious, did you select this field because you are truly interested in it?
Or were you pressured by your parents? If you were pressured, then that is not fair to you.
You need to confront your parents on that, if you were.

Perhaps you have another field of study you would enjoy?
You serious need to feel better about yourself.
You need to realize that you have done the best effort you can, at the moment.
You need to forgive yourself. You yourself know you have done your best.
Nobody can ask for more than that.

I can only offer to you something that works for me, which is meditation.
Google meditation. Learn about the many types. Try a few. Find one that works for you.
If you can connect with it, it is absolutely great. It costs no money. You can do it in your own time.
Only you have to know you are doing it.
Using meditation, you can learn how to forgive yourself. How to love yourself. How to love others.
I am going to stop here to see what your responses are.
Good luck to you. Many hugs to you!
Jerry

Sorry for the ultra-late response. I was emotionally down for a couple of days.

No, there weren't any major events. I remember my sister mentioned some Bible verse at church which said something like, "all sins can be forgiven except those against the holy Spirit" I came back home and was bombarded with blasphemous thoughts about the holy Spirit.
I suffered in silence for 5 years by which time I had also developed depression.
You must be brave to attempt ctb. I on the other hand have only thought about it a million times, never gathered the guts to make an attempt. So, in your case you never made a full recovery? I guess it'd be the same with me if I wait.

I think you're talking about dopamine.

I used to be good in school, then with mental illness, my grades dropped.
At age 17, it got so bad I had to disclose my mental illness to my parents, then I got treatment and I temporarily got better. Like a caged animal finally released, I thought I could take on the world. Med school seemed like a perfect challenge. Ambition got the better off me. It was my decision. I relapsed soon after and now I feel trapped.
There's nowhere else to go. All my parents' money is on this.
Did meditation fully heal you? Then why're you here? Thanks for putting up with my rant.