What happens if you never find the courage?

[Sslsh]

Contemplating CTB for years but failing to gather the courage. What do long time lurkers plan to do? If I don't CTB, I think I'll waste my life away. Start drinking, start smoking, become a pain in the ass to everybody. Probably die of some stupid illness in a few years. Im slowly becoming a sociopath lol.

 

[yive]

What happens if you never find the courage?

a nightmare

 

[StateOfMind]

Contemplating CTB for years but failing to gather the courage. What do long time lurkers plan to do? If I don't CTB, I think I'll waste my life away. Start drinking, start smoking, become a pain in the ass to everybody. Probably die of some stupid illness in a few years. Im slowly becoming a sociopath lol.

That acknowledgement itself could help overcome SI.

 

[Zhontafly]

Contemplating CTB for years but failing to gather the courage. What do long time lurkers plan to do? If I don't CTB, I think I'll waste my life away. Start drinking, start smoking, become a pain in the ass to everybody. Probably die of some stupid illness in a few years. Im slowly becoming a sociopath lol.

Just remember that not everyone is an asshole deserving of such treatment. IF you go that route, I suggest you pick out your enemies well and listen to the conscience.

 

[WornOutLife]

You will eventually go mad and end up in a psych ward.
At least that's what I think is gonna happen to me if I don't CTB next year.

 

[OrdinaryDay]

Contemplating CTB for years but failing to gather the courage. What do long time lurkers plan to do? If I don't CTB, I think I'll waste my life away. Start drinking, start smoking, become a pain in the ass to everybody. Probably die of some stupid illness in a few years. Im slowly becoming a sociopath lol.

This is most likely how I'm gonna end up. Unless I finally learn to let go and unattached from everything in this life and leave. I'm working towards the second option every day and it feels like one day I will be ready, just not yet.

 

[_Kaira_]

Hell.

Only time I really can seem to attempt ctb, is when I'm in the middle of a breakdown and out of desperation.
Of course that has never worked out for me, or else I wouldn't be here.

 

[aeon]

You'll become bitter and angry, wake up one day realizing that you've wasted the few good years that you had and hate yourself for that, you'll hate other people having a good time too, and you'll eventually die of old age...alone.

 

[Kat!]

being a stoical sociopath is the greatest feeling in the world, don't give a shit about anyone else with no consequences

 

[yive]

You'll become bitter and angry, wake up one day realizing that you've wasted the few good years that you had and hate yourself for that, you'll hate other people having a good time too, and you'll eventually die of old age...alone.

well said ;)

 

[Ghost2211]

Ctb is not currently and option for me due to responsibilities. That basically amounts to the same thing as not able to do it psychologically since the result is the same. I just live life how I please without caring about longevity. If physical or emotional reasons force us to be here might as well make the most of it. Eventually everyone emotionally finds a way since who can do this bs forever? Living with suicidal feelings for decades is exhausting.

 

[Sans]

What happens if you never find the courage?

Then you'll be stuck in this torturous hellhole that we call life for what seems like an eternity until at long last the Grim Reaper frees you from your misery.

You'll become bitter and angry, wake up one day realizing that you've wasted the few good years that you had and hate yourself for that, you'll hate other people having a good time too, and you'll eventually die of old age...alone.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[MrAsclepius]

You might think it will be freeing to finally give up and just not care about life. However, you will still have suicidal feelings/thoughts, so in the end it's not much different.

 

[EmptyManForever]

I know a lot of you think ctb will end the suffering in life and I'm sure it will but it really does take a lot of courage to do it , it's not easy to ctb , I know that if most of us don't get the courage to ctb we will have to suffer till we grow old and then hopefully die one day but again saying ctb is not that easy to do either , atleast for me, it's also scary to ctb , it's like I'm on the fence, cant live , can't ctb , cant do anything , I'm just stuck , this the worst feeling ever

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

While I don't have an answer myself, I knew several people who wanted to CTB and ended up not following through with it.

My father tried to ctb in front of me with a gun but was physically restrained. So I think instead of directly carrying the act out, he turned to risky behaviors instead, as others have mentioned. Drugs, alcohol, keeping company with dangerous people, were all things my father partook in.

I can remember being left at my elementary school many times in the afternoons because my father must have been binging the night before and forgot to pick me up. In the end, he was killed by one of the sleazy people he was friends with, his life cut short at a young age.

Yet even as a child, I knew that my father was hurting very badly and wished for his life to end. He was trapped in an unwinnable situation. My mother, who pretty much gave me up as a baby, had a strong desire to CTB as well and when she wrote a letter to me explaining why she didn't raise her kids, she told me that it never gets better. I think she is very religious and that is why she chose not to end her life, even if it is miserable.

A close friend of mine's mother suffered from years of trauma, involuntarily psych commitments, and extreme mental anguish. Like many of us here she had tried everything and wasn't seeing any improvements. She took it out on her children and her family until the bitter end, when she became terminally ill and suffered greatly in an attempt to find some sort of cure. She died never knowing peace and contentment, and I find her story chilling to the core.

I am scared to end up in a situation like that where it will be physically impossible to end my life if I become incapacitated. You always hear the motivation porn stories in the media, those who have horrible ailments and were in a dark place, but now they're so glad they chose life. They never show the stories of those who spent everyday suffering and didn't get a modicum of happiness out of the whole ordeal, and I find that reality quite horrifying.

 

[Sslsh]

You will eventually go mad and end up in a psych ward.
At least that's what I think is gonna happen to me if I don't CTB next year.

well there are no psych wards in the third world. I'll probably end up dying of hunger/thirst in the streets once my parents are gone. but that could take decades as they are only 50 right now. But if my mom passes, I will definitely ctb as that is one thing that would give me courage

 

[Superdeterminist]

I really don't want to find out.

 

[Wrennie]

Only Hell awaits me. My future is the stuff of nightmares; physical and mental anguish battling for dominance. I do not want to die, but I'll have no other option to escape from the inevitable pain. I pray that one day I can gather enough resolve to embrace nothingness and leave behind the person I've come to be.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I will find the courage . i will never allow myself to become old wrinkled with arthritis,riddled with pains , dementia, declining prefrontal cortex , etc. imo Another thing they hide imo old age is hell and is to be avoided at all costs

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I will find the courage . i will never allow myself to become old wrinkled with arthritis, dementia, declining prefrontal cortex , etc. imo Another thing they hide imo old age is hell and is to be avoided at all costs

Old age terrifies me as well, especially with these laws where someone has to give you medical assistance if you're found sick or injured else they're held liable. You're not even allowed to pass on naturally because someone will try to "save" you, I don't want to be a 90 year on a ventilator and a feeding tube.

 

[yive]

I will find the courage . i will never allow myself to become old wrinkled with arthritis, dementia, declining prefrontal cortex , etc. imo Another thing they hide imo old age is hell and is to be avoided at all costs

exactly. i also hate this lie about a "long and happy life".
so i want to die young!

 

[Wrennie]

Old age terrifies me as well, especially with these laws where someone has to give you medical assistance if you're found sick or injured else they're held liable. You're not even allowed to pass on naturally because someone will try to "save" you, I don't want to be a 90 year on a ventilator and a feeding tube.

I can totally relate. My grandpa is starting to slow down and I can do nothing but watch as his body slowly succumbs to physical illnesses while his mind remains sharp as a whistle. It's a profound form of torture to have one's body fail you and be completely conscious of it. Mine is already failing me in my youth, so I dread above all else what living into old age would entail. *shudder*

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Old age terrifies me as well, especially with these laws where someone has to give you medical assistance if you're found sick or injured else they're held liable. You're not even allowed to pass on naturally because someone will try to "save" you, I don't want to be a 90 year on a ventilator and a feeding tube.

Yes that's where i'll end up 90 in a nursing home unable to move and with a declining brain so i won't be able to commit suicide then . I went to the Post office the other day. I parked my car and next to me was an old man trying to get out of his car. It took him like 10 minutes just to get out of his car and about another 5 minutes just to "walK" a few steps using some walker or something. I said to myself i'm never going to let that happen to me.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I can totally relate. My grandpa is starting to slow down and I can do nothing but watch as his body slowly succumbs to physical illnesses while his mind remains sharp as a whistle. It's a profound form of torture to have one's body fail you and be completely conscious of it. Mine is already failing me in my youth, so I dread above all else what living into old age would entail. *shudder*

Same here and most people dont understand because since we are young our pain is just magically not real. It is a load of shit!

I've been sick since I was around 17 with chronic fatigue and developed chronic pain after that. Not to mention autism and ptsd which have been around since birth and early childhood. My jaw got fucked up from medical malpractice/negligence when I was still a teenager and I have to deal with my jaw cracking and popping all the time or my ears being unable to drain fluid and making me have tinnitus and go partially deaf every few months, which while it isn't painful, is a pain in my ass.

But because I am 21 I will always be told that it gets better. There is hope! Maybe hope that I will just die in my sleep I can't imagine old age because that will mean even more pain on top of this.

 

[yive]

But because I am 21 I will always be told that it gets better.

omg, that disgusting lie about "it will get better"... i hate this shit so much!
suffering will always be in life, there is no escape from it, except death. all life is suffering. and what's the difference, will it "get better bla bla" if we die anyway?..

 

[Wrennie]

But because I am 21 I will always be told that it gets better. There is hope! Maybe hope that I will just die in my sleep I can't imagine old age because that will mean even more pain on top of this.

Yes! I hate it when people automatically equate "youthfulness" with "health" when that just isn't the case for some people, myself included.

For example, my friend has a disability that makes it immensely difficult for her to walk long distances, and therefore was able to obtain a badge that enables her to park in handicap spaces. Yet people still give her dirty looks because she's young and doesn't have any visible defects, as though you have to look crippled and old to justify your pain (and even then your pain still Isn't taken seriously).

The attitudes our society holds toward physical and mental health problems is so warped, it's frankly despicable. It seems the only cure for disease is to not get sick in the first place.

 

[rabbithole]

Probably a psych ward for the rest of my life while being entirely despondent and in horrific pain. I'm terrified of this.

 

[LastFlowers]

Same here and most people dont understand because since we are young our pain is just magically not real. It is a load of shit!

I've been sick since I was around 17 with chronic fatigue and developed chronic pain after that. Not to mention autism and ptsd which have been around since birth and early childhood. My jaw got fucked up from medical malpractice/negligence when I was still a teenager and I have to deal with my jaw cracking and popping all the time or my ears being unable to drain fluid and making me have tinnitus and go partially deaf every few months, which while it isn't painful, is a pain in my ass.

But because I am 21 I will always be told that it gets better. There is hope! Maybe hope that I will just die in my sleep I can't imagine old age because that will mean even more pain on top of this.

What was the medical negligence if you don't mind me asking? (Sounds similar to one of the many issues I deal with.)

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

What was the medical negligence if you don't mind me asking? (Sounds similar to one of the many issues I deal with.)

I had orthodontic adjustments and because I am quite small and sensitive to pain they had trouble fitting the braces and the appliance properly. I would be complaining of pain and my jaw would lock and start cracking and popping, but they didn't believe me because they thought I was being a dramatic 14 year old. I needed patience and kindness and they would rush the procedures to fit a schedule, I ended up with the jaw issues as well as a chipped tooth because they carelessly hacked part of my tooth off when removing the braces.

I could tell my jaw was not aligned properly. Got a 2nd opinion and was sent to an oral surgeon who confirmed that because of all this bullshit I have incurable TMJ and my only option was an unreccomended risky surgery. So now I just live with it and deal with the cracking everyday and being unable to really open my mouth to the full extent sometimes.

Also it messed up my ears and now my ears can't drain fluid properly so if I get even a little water in my ear in the bath or something it's horrible. I went partially deaf from age 17-18 and struggle to keep my hearing if even a bit of wax or water or whatever gets in my ears, had to get tubes/microsuction at the time.

 

[Puffinz]

If I don't ctb soon I'll probably self-sabotage until I feel bad enough to finally go through with it. Or maybe I'll get better and live happily to old age. I don't care that much and I'll drift along trying not to make trouble for other people but it's going to be a real pain in the ass if I can't ctb by the end of January next year.