What happened to me ?

[static]

Ive always struggled to make friends, but when i got into high school things really looked up, i had a good portion of friends and things were great, i was on track for getting a but no matter what id always act like an asshole to my friends without even realising it until it was too late , then covid happened and i spent a good year or so straight not talking to my school friends, (as we didnt really talk online) i then came back to school after covid, the girl i liked moved school and i just slowly stopped talking to my friends, drifting away from them until even they were telling me to stop hanging around them as i was making the atmosphere too miserable. I ended up sitting alone at lunch and i remember trying not to cry because of how lonely i felt, 2 years have gone by now and its just gotten worse, i have 0 friends in school, started sneaking out at lunch just so i didnt have to sit alone around the people i used to be friends with, i now recently got caught sneaking out and so cant do it anymore, i have to sit in school alone at lunch watching my phone like a wierdo while everyone hangs out and talks with their friends, i get made fun of daily and have just started ignoring people when they try to talk to me because i cant tell if theyre making fun of me or not, this has only led to me being made fun of more. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life, im not particularly good at anything and it looks like im going to be at this god awful school for atleast another 2 years and im so close to just not going in... sorry for the rant. tl;dr i was happy and became a fcking loser, what the hell happened?

 

[longnecksnail]

I relate to this very much. I'm sorry you have to suffer so much, I wish I could say it gets better after school :/

 

[graile]

I'm gonna talk about myself a little but it's just anecdotal stuff that might help you. A similar thing happened to me, but I was out of school by the time things went back to normal. The quarantine was fcked up it was a really bad idea. The things that got me through high school when it was normal were joining stuff like the marching band and stage crew. They were really welcoming and it was a way to be around people. Even if I still couldn't hang out with people outside of school as actual close friends, it was way better than being lonely. And before the quarantine it felt like I was almost to the point of hanging out with people outside of the activities. So, I know mustering up the courage to go to them can be hard and they might seem nerdy, but I suggest trying them out. And for the bullying issue, please talk to a school counsellor about it, or your parents if they aren't deadbeat they'll care and try to get you out of it.

 

[Worndown]

Have you sought out any counseling or outside treatment? It is possible a problem has snuck up on you without you noticing. I am guessing your age but this is about when unwanted issues can arise. If you have any resources at your school, tell them how you feel and how it is effecting your life. (leave out any ctb references) They should be able to point you in the right direction. No reason to die if there is a chance you can get help.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is so awful when existing just continues to get worse and I get that for many people loneliness really can be so painful. Schools really can be horrible places, I used to hate going there so much many years ago, I'm sorry that you are trapped in that prison.

 

[SamHam]

Really sorry for what happened, but have you tried making new friends in or out of school?

 

[AngryDog]

That school sounds like a shitty place to be. People sometimes act like assholes without even noticing and bullying is often overlooked by principals and teachers. Try to ignore the assholes and concentrate on things you like, even if you feel you suck at them. Friends come and go, and sometimes it's good to let them go. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes they need to end just because people don't get along.

I'm gonna guess that you are a teenager, is that true? If so, I have some tips that may help you.

1- School years are not always the best ones in someone's life. There's not such thing as "best years" of your life really but theres also not such thing as endless suffering. It's all a matter of perspective.
2- Don't beat yourself too hard. You're not a loser if you're having a hard time making friends.
3- Try to focus in activities you enjoy. It doesn't matter if you suck at them.
4- If you are struggling with feelings of loneliness, emptiness, sadness and/or suicidal ideation, seek for help. Talk to a relative you trust or a school counselor. Those thoughts are not uncommon, and it's OK to discuss them openly. If you have depression, it can be hard to put the those emotions into perspective and it can lead to self harm or death by suicide. You don't have to suffer alone.

I wish you to have a nice day. Take care.

 

[nopride86]

I never really had friends to begin with, but I can definitely relate to sitting at lunch alone and watching everyone else getting on. I was intentionally isolated due to emotional in*cest, but being ugly and odd didn't help either. I would spend most lunches in the bathroom or in the library until they stopped me too.

What I did after that, really, was start sitting at the table with the ESE kids (special needs). I was an AP kid at the special needs table! But they didn't care at all and were happy to share their space. I had to sit somewhere and it was that, or to sit next to people who didn't want me there.
Many of those kids were non-verbal or just not interested and that was even better for me to just co-exist. Some would smile though. And I ended up being a TA for some of their classes so it was nice to have familiar faces. Friendship is overrated, but unfortunately we as a species need to at least hover around each other I guess.

All of this to say, isolation damages the spirit and the brain and your experience should never be discounted just because you're young. You have innate worth as a human being. K-12 (or equivalent) is just awful on so many levels, and you had a pandemic just blow right through it. I'm not going to say that you'll "find your tribe eventually" as I never did, but after graduating you will periodically find ways to be occupied and maybe even enjoy it. Always be curious about something, or many things. And when you've seen as much as you've wanted to see (good or bad) the option to CTB will still be there.