What even is love?

[RK444]

I love this girl with all my being, but I'm never going to be number 1 to her like she is to me. I haven't slept with another person for a year, yet I doubt it's been a week for her. Telling her I need/want to call her, I need help, I need/want to see her and just getting back "What do you need?" like I'm telling a doctor my symptoms. It's so soulless and painful. I'm having a psychotic episode, I need to be tested for schizophrenia and today is the worst it's ever been. Through the self harm and substance abuse, she's the only thing that could make me feel any better and she knows it because she's seen it happen. Why will I never be loved the way I love another person? I put my heart, soul and being into her, always trying to make her happy and make time for her. I know I could be better, and I'm always encouraging her to speak to me about what I could do better. Why do I have to compete with at least 3 other men? Hearing her tell me about a new guy that fell in love with her, but she doesn't want to block them or stop talking to them because "whatever is gonna happen, is gonna happen". I physically can't remove her from my life, it's too painful. I don't have the energy to CTB either, I just want to be able to not wake up. I hate this, I'm never going to be loved the same way I can love.

 

[DearAgony]

Sometimes it's hard to find someone who reciprocates your feelings. Love can be a hard nut to crack.

I'm sorry to hear about the psychotic episode. My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic and that stuff is no joke. Downright scary at times.

If you wanna talk or vent, my PMs are open.

 

[RK444]

Sometimes it's hard to find someone who reciprocates your feelings. Love can be a hard nut to crack.

I'm sorry to hear about the psychotic episode. My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic and that stuff is no joke. Downright scary at times.

If you wanna talk or vent, my PMs are open.

Thank you, I appreciate that a lot. I would PM you but I have no idea how this site works.

 

[DearAgony]

I just realized you don't have enough posts to PM or to receive PMs. I'm not sure how many it takes, but it isn't much. Just go post in the random game threads in Off Topic, that's what I did.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Why will I never be loved the way I love another person?

You might, but not as long as you keep holding on to a person who clearly isn't interested in you in that way..im sorry..

 

[groucho]

I remember seeing a bit by a Scottish stand up, forget his name, where he said something along the lines of "if you love yourself 5% and you meet someone who loves you 10%, that feels like a lot to you but they don't really love you". I see a lot of that in my previous relationships, for depressed people who don't like themselves it is hard finding love because we are difficult to be around and we don't have a good frame of reference for what a healthy relationship towards us should be.

 

[zeek]

 

[Wehmut]

To me love is just a loosing game. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.

 

[F&Inside]

Hello RK444, one-sided love is a waste of energy and time, I believe you are thinking things about her that don't fit reality. And even if she give you her love it would not be as satisfying as a real love. She seems to be someone very young not willing to assume the responsibility of having a partner and therefore you should forget her and let her be free as she is. If you are looking for something more serious you should find someone who gives you the same as you give and is willing to take it on as an adult. I know it's easier to talk than to do it, because from the inside everything is felt with more intensity and it will be difficult to let her go. But I think there is no other way out.
Good luck.

 

[RK444]

You're all right and the advice you've given is amazing, especially the person that said "if you love yourself 5% and you meet someone who loves you 10%, that feels like a lot to you but they don't really love you". Thank you. I know it's not necessarily real and I know that if she did give me something real then it'd never be satisfying. But i've been through so much with her and that 5% she gave me was enough at my lowest, i'm severely autistic and not much of a looker so attention from women (anyone) doesn't come easy so that 5% is all i have, but i know it'll never be enough but how could i ever let it go? It would be so much easier to leave this realm than to leave her behind, which is the plan.

 

[DearAgony]

if you love yourself 5% and you meet someone who loves you 10%, that feels like a lot to you but they don't really love you

This statement is so, so true. I despise myself, so when anyone seems like enjoy my presence just a little, they're suddenly the most important person in the room to me. Needless to say, it's led to my heart being cracked a few times.