Help What emotion do you guys feel during a ctb attempt?

[Astume]

What emotion/s do you guys feel during a ctb attempt? Empty, excited, frustrated, impulsive, indifferent, peaceful, sad? I'm going to attempt in a few days, and I want to be in the "right" mindset, so I don't back out again.

 

[Lost Magic]

For me it is anxiety. I'll take some propranolol and a benzo before I ctb.

 

[wljourney]

Probably a mix of emptiness, hopelessness, unbearable emotional pain and an indifference towards life and your own future.

It's a bit of a rollercoaster at first (adrenaline), but then my mind suddenly quiets and all I see is X (whichever method I chose) in front of me. (Tunnel vision)

Then a dissociative feeling takes over and it feels like your brain watches what your hands are doing (for example opening a bottle of meds or pouring a glass of alcohol). I am watching myself from a few feet above, taking X.

And then it's peaceful. The exhaustion of the emotional turmoil makes you really tired and when the adrenaline rush wears off you just curl up, tired, resigned, sad that it had to end like this.

(That's the point when many send last text messages and then get found.)

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Well, speaking from experience....I just felt really hopeless. I had no one I could go for help. I felt betrayed and let down. I was just really sad and I didn't know it'll be partially successful ( it was my first time trying partial hanging and it worked but I was found) But I guess the feeling varies from person to person

 

[Lebensunwertes]

Somewhat similar experiences to what @wljourney said. Feeling hollow, but also stressed out in my case. As I put my head through the loop I just felt my heartbeat speeding up, my breath getting heavy and my arms getting tingly. The moment it fastened around my neck I got a feeling similar to when performing a strenuous physical activity. Not really scared or anything, just focused on getting the job done. It was after I started feeling lightheaded is when adrenaline really hit me, I took the noose off and curled up. This is also when I felt immense dread, probably due to realizing how close I was out.

 

[Marine]

Despair, panic, the worst sense of dread I can't even explain the violence of, void, hollowness, disconnection, rage, sadness...

 

[lostmyacc]

Overall feeling would have to be sadness. I don't believe that I want to die, just situation out of my control and there is no other option after years of fighting .

 

[Medicmedic72]

Nothing. It's as if I am going to pick up bread at the grocery store. It's just a task.

 

[Sobreviviente]

I think it will be a kind of relief for me to pass out using SN as I've already lost my legs in a previous suicide attempt. Somehow I was able to suppress my SI so much that I jumped under the train. Slight heartbeating increase won't scare me. Sadness is the second feeling I'll face. Astonishment, something like "how the hell did it happen to me that I was so far ahead from all of my former schoolmates whom I used to consider as dumb as a stool, and now I'm here, alone, bluish, without both of the legs, waiting for the death to come and give me a relief. Crazy stuff". But a moment after it will not bother me anymore. I'll feel nothing, there will not be even such term as a feeling for me

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I feel numb and disassociated from life completely and I just Wana get that rope and torture myself with it and by cutting I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH DAMN

 

[lostmyacc]

I think it will be a kind of relief for me to pass out using SN as I've already lost my legs in a previous suicide attempt. Somehow I was able to suppress my SI so much that I jumped under the train. Slight heartbeating increase won't scare me. Sadness is the second feeling I'll face. Astonishment, something like "how the hell did it happen to me that I was so far ahead from all of my former schoolmates whom I used to consider as dumb as a stool, and now I'm here, alone, bluish, without both of the legs, waiting for the death to come and give me a relief. Crazy stuff". But a moment after it will not bother me anymore. I'll feel nothing, there will not be even such term as a feeling for me

I am sorry this happened to you. How did you lose your legs, train or jumping? or another method.

 

[YC&^93qoVF*e]

I think it will be a kind of relief for me to pass out using SN as I've already lost my legs in a previous suicide attempt. Somehow I was able to suppress my SI so much that I jumped under the train. Slight heartbeating increase won't scare me. Sadness is the second feeling I'll face. Astonishment, something like "how the hell did it happen to me that I was so far ahead from all of my former schoolmates whom I used to consider as dumb as a stool, and now I'm here, alone, bluish, without both of the legs, waiting for the death to come and give me a relief. Crazy stuff". But a moment after it will not bother me anymore. I'll feel nothing, there will not be even such term as a feeling for me

so sad to hear about your situation. this is why your life should be yours to take. who are other people to say no

 

[Sobreviviente]

I am sorry this happened to you. How did you lose your legs, train or jumping? or another method.

Jumping under the train

who are other people to say no

Unfortunately I'll leave some of my close relatives behind, they would never allow me to end my life this way, but I can't continue neither for myself nor for theirs, it would be absolutely undignified life, they'll look at me and hate me because of my first attempt, because I haven't lived up to their expectations, at the same time they'll feel sorry for me as for disabled. Horrible mix of feelings. I would have better never done that jumping but now I'll better finish that, it's too late to apologize, it's too late. Maybe God, if he exists, will give me 2nd attempt to live my life again to fix my mistakes, I would really like to start it from scratch, although it was so hard to climb to the uppest point where I was before shit in my life started to happen, I'm ready to try, I just don't want to feel this pain any longer. Anyway if everything just ends I would be glad as well.