What does it feel like to identify as another gender?

[saltshaker]

Would ask my non-binary/trans friends what it means to them (i still might), but i worry about offending them...

Currently I have no idea what it's supposed to feel like to be a male or female. My perhaps naive assumption would be that people feel the same inside, although i really don't know.

For myself i always identified as a male, not because of any way i felt, but simply because i had those appendages. I once joked to a friend that i identified as a skeleton wrapped in flesh that was trapped in hell.

Dear SS members who identify as another gender, what does it actually feel like? How can you tell you're the other gender? What should it feel like to be a male? What should it feel like to be a female?

 

[WornOutLife]

This is a great question.
I always wonder the same.

I really support them because if I felt I was a woman, I would love to be treated and respected like any other woman.

The more people understand and respect others in spite of their looks, gender, religion, etc, the better this world will be.

 

[Breakout92]

It's a feeling that's probably as hard to explain to someone as explaining color to a blind person would be.

I think as a kid, gender identity shows itself as just whether you choose to be with boys or girls, since at that age you don't really know what difference there is. That's probably the most pure look at it, because it's just the natural child behavior without all the influence from society that you pick up on as you get older. So, I always wanted to be friends with girls, not boys, because that's just what felt natural to me. But because i appeared to be a boy the girls didn't want to play with me and the adults tried to get me to make friends with boys instead.

When you're young, you don't really know anything about human anatomy. So that doesn't really factor in - as a child I believed parents got to pick whether to make their kids boys or girls, and that because they had already picked girl for my older sister that was why they chose boy for me. Then when i was told that God makes us (I was raised catholic), I believed that I had a girl soul but god put me in a boys body for some reason. I don't know how I knew this, it was just instinctual I guess.

 

[Lucien]

I'm not trans but here's my perspective since you touch on the gender topic as a whole.

Having androgynous features and subdued sexual drive as a male is not normal. Lovable acquaintances will make sure to moronically insist on assessing your worth based on adherence to male/female social behavior dichotomy. This will inevitably create a feedback loop of monitoring your own appearance and behavior. You begin to notice things when your scope narrows down like that. Categorize some behaviors as unacceptably effeminate, for example. For this avoidance people could diagnose you with low self-confidence. Of course that's probably a billion miles from the truth and the origin of obsessive behavioral patterns is more complicated.

Feminity/masculinity are marketable attributes and powerful archetypes. I see dating as partially built around this, a common caricature being the guy who delivers a one-liner with supreme confidence, while the woman sighs a couple of times but is eventually coaxed into laughing, through the guy's perseverence. Everyone will harp on that it "doesn't matter, just be yourself, you eventually find someone". These are the people who typically sell the fairy tail about acceptance of all gender identity, body type, etc. Of course, this is meaningless, saccharine garbage not applicable to a fast-moving, aggressive human race. I don't care about the occasional story of personal romantic success, this is a general scenario. There is always the unspoken truth that some ways of presenting yourself are not competitive, since most people trawl through tens of romantic and sexual partners to find someone suitable for a long-term relationship. Everyone weirder is fated to a much smaller dating pool and probably weird uncomfortable interactions.

You may withdraw from people at this stage, begin dissolving into daydreams or get pigeonholed into a subculture. All throughout this journey people will try to peer into your soul and study you like an exotic animal. If you're prone to 'inexplicable' fits of annoyance over this you may even pick up a diagnosis of downer and buzzkill. You are viewed as an artificial product and (most likely) impotent (incapable of normal relationships), rather than unique. Also all of this happens in your teens, quite likely among trillions of other issues.

I suspect these are universal experiences even though I'm not considering gender dysphoria since I don't experience it. Feeling disgust/distress/sadness any time you notice features of the gender you were born into is outside my scope.

 

[saltshaker]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. It's still a little unclear what it all means to me, I wonder if there are any good ways to measure this.

If i was going to hazard a guess, i'd say men are more aggressive and dominant, and women are more empathetic and submissive in general. So if you're far outside the norm for your sex that might be a metric you could use.

There's also sexual preferences, I imagine most men that transition are gay and vice versa.

It's a question that makes me wonder what does it really mean to be a man or woman?

I think it's possible it has meaning to some people and not others, some might assign mental/emotional characteristics to these, while others are simply looking at their physical form and aren't thinking much beyond that.

Curious if anyone else has thoughts about it. Especially if you are trans.

 

[Life_and_Death]

if you ask me ill tell you im female but really i dont identify as anything. yeah, i like guys but i like who i like and i think in recent years especially, that who you like doesnt define your gender. as for how it feels, idk. i dont really think about it, although im guessing thats because for me there isnt really anything to think about lol. i think a good portion of the problem is my 'dad' would have me working on cars and my mother would be braiding my hair. of course when i think about myself in other situations (ex, would i still be depressed if i lived in a mansion) i still dont really feel anything. of course that could be because i dont know what it feels like to be anything so how would i know.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

It's kind of like if you are right handed and your family is only allowed to write with your left hand.

there's like this weird disconnect and it doesn't really feel right, but you'd also often wish you could just write with your right hand, or be born into a family that writes with their right hand, and think about how much more nicer and comfortable it would be. And then at some point you do switch hands.

 

[bea1974]

There's also sexual preferences, I imagine most men that transition are gay and vice versa.

No. Sexuality (who you are attracted to) is separate from gender (who you are).

I am a cis (not trans) queer woman. My ex-girlfriend) is a trans woman. She is a lesbian. My other friends include a gay trans man, and a heterosexual trans woman.

A gay man is a gay man, not a trans woman.

A trans woman is a trans woman, not a gay man - whether she is lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual, the one thing she is not is a man of any kind :)

 

[saltshaker]

No. Sexuality (who you are attracted to) is separate from gender (who you are).

I am a cis (not trans) queer woman. My ex-girlfriend) is a trans woman. She is a lesbian. My other friends include a gay trans man, and a heterosexual trans woman.

A gay man is a gay man, not a trans woman.

A trans woman is a trans woman, not a gay man - whether she is lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual, the one thing she is not is a man of any kind :)

Thanks for the response.

If it's seperate from your sexuality then i'm left wondering, what could be some metrics to determine if you're really a man or woman?

So far i've heard people claim that something just feels "off" or not right, but that's kind of hard to measure. It's not easy to know if any percieved "difference" is unlike what everyone else is experiencing.

Perhaps if you're happy or not to conform to the social norms of a gender is the real measure?

 

[Breakout92]

Thanks for the response.

If it's seperate from your sexuality then i'm left wondering, what could be some metrics to determine if you're really a man or woman?

So far i've heard people claim that something just feels "off" or not right, but that's kind of hard to measure. It's not easy to know if any percieved "difference" is unlike what everyone else is experiencing.

Perhaps if you're happy or not to conform to the social norms of a gender is the real measure?

Even that's not right, because there's plenty of gender non conforming people who are also totally happy being considered the gender that they were at birth. At least, that's what they claim, although I suppose they could be like me and secretly hate it.

I don't think there's any measurable anything unless we could do some kind of deep dive brain scans. Any metric or condition you try to apply to say what makes a person a man or a woman always has exceptions. It also depends on the context - a geneticist looking only a genes is going to have different conditions than me on the street determining if the person walking past me is a man or a woman. Etc.

 

[bea1974]

Perhaps if you're happy or not to conform to the social norms of a gender is the real measure?

Not quite, because there are butch lesbians, for example, who do not conform to mainstream social norms for their gender but absolutely are still women.

I don't have a definitive answer but I think something about being comfortable (or at least not pained) at being perceived as the gender you are perceived as by others because you don't feel that reflects who you really are.

One doesn't have to feel joy about it, or indeed feel anything in particular at all about it, as long as one is not feeling strongly negative emotions about it, I think.

Also many (but not all) trans people experience gendered body dysphoria, which is not about others' perceptions but is about their own reaction to their physical body, or at least the parts of their body that are viewed as belonging to a particular sex (eg their chest, their genitals, their Adam's apple or lack of, etc. etc.).

So, if you (OP) are able to at least tolerate living with those appendages of yours attached to your body, without undue distress AND, you are able to at least tolerate others' perceiving you as a man, without undue distress, then probably you are not trans. Although if you find yourself questioning these things a lot a lot and not just out of curiosity/a desire to understand other people but directly in relation to yourself, then maybe consider talking to a trans informed counsellor about it to explore the matter further. Cos at the end of the day it's for you to decide and nobody else.

 

[UterEntonaur]

It's still a little unclear what it all means to me, I wonder if there are any good ways to measure this.

I have a (trans) friend, they explained it like this, so don't shoot the messenger:

@saltshaker You're a man. You know you're a man. You feel like a man, and think like a man, and you naturally act like what you think a man is. But everyone calls you a woman, because when they look at you, they see a woman. What would you do/feel/think?

If it's seperate from your sexuality then i'm left wondering, what could be some metrics to determine if you're really a man or woman?

Take the above example, you can't use metrics to determine what someone's gender is, no more than you can use metrics (like gender) to demine someone's sexuality.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

If it's seperate from your sexuality then i'm left wondering, what could be some metrics to determine if you're really a man or woman?

So far i've heard people claim that something just feels "off" or not right, but that's kind of hard to measure. It's not easy to know if any percieved "difference" is unlike what everyone else is experiencing.

Perhaps if you're happy or not to conform to the social norms of a gender is the real measure?

I'm confused, do you think people transition because they don't want to be gay?

there's gender nonconforming trans people, like fem ftm's or butch mtf's.

it's like this huge feeling of hating your body/ how people treat you in relation to your gender. And other types of treatment apart from transitioning have shown to make it worse.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

 

[saltshaker]

Not quite, because there are butch lesbians, for example, who do not conform to mainstream social norms for their gender but absolutely are still women.

I don't have a definitive answer but I think something about being comfortable (or at least not pained) at being perceived as the gender you are perceived as by others because you don't feel that reflects who you really are.

One doesn't have to feel joy about it, or indeed feel anything in particular at all about it, as long as one is not feeling strongly negative emotions about it, I think.

Also many (but not all) trans people experience gendered body dysphoria, which is not about others' perceptions but is about their own reaction to their physical body, or at least the parts of their body that are viewed as belonging to a particular sex (eg their chest, their genitals, their Adam's apple or lack of, etc. etc.).

So, if you (OP) are able to at least tolerate living with those appendages of yours attached to your body, without undue distress AND, you are able to at least tolerate others' perceiving you as a man, without undue distress, then probably you are not trans. Although if you find yourself questioning these things a lot a lot and not just out of curiosity/a desire to understand other people but directly in relation to yourself, then maybe consider talking to a trans informed counsellor about it to explore the matter further. Cos at the end of the day it's for you to decide and nobody else.

This is a really good explanation. Have a gold star. :)

 

[Nymph]

it feels like absolute shit because my psychical body is wrong and I can't get hormones or surgeries. It's one of the reasons why I wanna ctb. I just feel like a male, I feel like my body should look like a cis male's does, and it makes me feel really bad having the wrong body.

 

[bea1974]

This is a really good explanation. Have a gold star. :)

Why thank you, kind human!

it feels like absolute shit because my psychical body is wrong and I can't get hormones or surgeries. It's one of the reasons why I wanna ctb. I just feel like a male, I feel like my body should look like a cis male's does, and it makes me feel really bad having the wrong body.

I am so sorry you are in this predicament. My heart goes out to you.
May I ask (and you do not have to answer, I am nosy...) - why can you not get the medical treatment you need? Is it a funding issue? Or due to long waiting lists (as per here in the UK)? Or some other obstacle?
Whatever, I send love and solidarity x

 

[fishtacos4me]

For me it felt like this:

Mom, Mom! I want to play soccer.
Mom: You can't, there aren't any girls soccer teams.
Me: Awesome! cuz I didn't want to play soccer with girls - put me on the boys team!
Mom: They won't let you, you're not a boy.

Me: I want to build things.
Mom: Girls don't build things. Tools are for boys.

Me: crying on the bus on the way home when I realized that I would never be on the football team.

Me: I want to join the Army.
Mom: You can't do that. They would want you to run and carry a gun and all that guy stuff. You need to find a husband instead.

Me: imagining myself married to a woman someday
Family: get out, you are disowned

It felt like a life time of imagining myself fulfilling a dream, only to be told that I wasn't worthy to pursue any of my dreams. Being a girl was getting all my dreams ripped out from under me.
I had my breasts removed and took testosterone, and suddenly there were opportunities for me in the world.

it feels like absolute shit because my psychical body is wrong and I can't get hormones or surgeries. It's one of the reasons why I wanna ctb. I just feel like a male, I feel like my body should look like a cis male's does, and it makes me feel really bad having the wrong body.

I can relate. This weird thing used to happen to me: I would be doing something in the bathroom like getting out of the shower, just going about my business when out of the corner of my eye I would spot my reflection in the mirror. I would see my breast and my first reaction was, "WTF is on me?" Oh just breasts, yep, I remember those. Had them for thirty years, shouldn't be a surprise. But a few days later I would see them and just for an instant, "WTF IS ON ME?" Oh yeah, breasts again.
They were so foreign to me. I would have felt the same way if I had looked in the mirror and seen a giant parasite attached to my forehead. For just an instant, it would shock the crap out of me.
I would have CTB if I hadn't transitioned. Obviously there is something stopping you from transition - that sucks so bad I don't have words for it. When I began my transition I called 33 doctors and they all turned me down. I had only one left on my list and if that doc turned me down I was ready to go black market for testosterone or CTB if I couldn't get testosterone. That last call turned out well and a doc saw me and gave me an Rx for testosterone. I'm glad I made that one last call. I had waited 12 years to start transition.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

W

For me it felt like this:

Mom, Mom! I want to play soccer.
Mom: You can't, there aren't any girls soccer teams.
Me: Awesome! cuz I didn't want to play soccer with girls - put me on the boys team!
Mom: They won't let you, you're not a boy.

Me: I want to build things.
Mom: Girls don't build things. Tools are for boys.

Me: crying on the bus on the way home when I realized that I would never be on the football team.

Me: I want to join the Army.
Mom: You can't do that. They would want you to run and carry a gun and all that guy stuff. You need to find a husband instead.

Me: imagining myself married to a woman someday
Family: get out, you are disowned

It felt like a life time of imagining myself fulfilling a dream, only to be told that I wasn't worthy to pursue any of my dreams. Being a girl was getting all my dreams ripped out from under me.
I had my breasts removed and took testosterone, and suddenly there were opportunities for me in the world.

I can relate. This weird thing used to happen to me: I would be doing something in the bathroom like getting out of the shower, just going about my business when out of the corner of my eye I would spot my reflection in the mirror. I would see my breast and my first reaction was, "WTF is on me?" Oh just breasts, yep, I remember those. Had them for thirty years, shouldn't be a surprise. But a few days later I would see them and just for an instant, "WTF IS ON ME?" Oh yeah, breasts again.
They were so foreign to me. I would have felt the same way if I had looked in the mirror and seen a giant parasite attached to my forehead. For just an instant, it would shock the crap out of me.
I would have CTB if I hadn't transitioned. Obviously there is something stopping you from transition - that sucks so bad I don't have words for it. When I began my transition I called 33 doctors and they all turned me down. I had only one left on my list and if that doc turned me down I was ready to go black market for testosterone or CTB if I couldn't get testosterone. That last call turned out well and a doc saw me and gave me an Rx for testosterone. I'm glad I made that one last call. I had waited 12 years to start transition.

Wow I'm so sorry about your parents, that must have been really rough!! Mine were pretty similar but in the opposite way and I remember how aggressive they were about it. Thankfully though they don't have an issue with me dating men.. just me being trans..

or maybe they just don't know yet idk