I was raised Christian so I get everything you say. Lately tho I have been losing my faith. I have prayed many times to God to give me proof, to five just a sign to get my faith back but He remains silent. I have grown tired of praying and begging. He does not seem to want to show Himself to me and soothe my agony. And I get it. Who am I for Him to show Himself to? No one. A stupid tiny unimportance human. A flesh full of temptations.
I don't know anym.ith me as well. It is difficult to not hear from Him
I was raised Christian so I get everything you say. Lately tho I have been losing my faith. I have prayed many times to God to give me proof, to five just a sign to get my faith back but He remains silent. I have grown tired of praying and begging. He does not seem to want to show Himself to me and soothe my agony. And I get it. Who am I for Him to show Himself to? No one. A stupid tiny unimportance human. A flesh full of temptations.
I don't know anymore. At the same time, according to Christianity people who commit suicide go to some nothingness to wander forever so I don't know if I even want this God to be real...
Sorry for the double quote, this system for me is a little wonky. I know that in the 1st quote above, the last sentence, it is a mix of my words and yours - sorry, I can't seem to correct it!
Despite my faith I do not hear from God either! With me it is more of slight nudging, or hint, or circumstance.
But here is an example of how I know God is with me:
My brother's body was in his home for 2 weeks before the well check found him. He had a 3 bedroom, 2 story apartment with a lot of stuff. I was completely overwhelmed with the thought of having to go through his things while in shock and grieving. My other brother couldn't provide any help with the planning/decision making and would really only be there to carry the heavier things down 2 flights of stairs (he is probably undiagnosed on the autism spectrum).
My best friends at church are elderly (86 and 90). They offered to drive one state over and walk up/down a steep flight of stairs just to get in and be with me. And they referred me to people that I thought I would donate items to, but none of these people ever got in touch with me (?? what was going on with that).
Well it turns out that when a body decomposes for 2 weeks a full bio hazard clean out is what's recommended. Almost everything gets tossed (unless you can transport things that can get wiped down, and I couldn't), the walls have to get wiped down, the floor under the body gets cut out if there is fluid leakage, the air needs to be cleaned. So $3600 later (a good deal) the place is clean for turnover. (not covered by my brother's insurance by the way, but thankfully God provided the $).
The bio hazard cleaning guy had been recommended by the homicide detective (I had asked for a referral) and I liked his personality. But what really made me comfortable is that at the very end of this guy's quote was a Scripture reference, No actual Scripture, just the reference: Corinthians ___ (I can't fill this in because STUPID ME I didn't save this page of his communication, ugh!).
Anyway...... when I saw this Scripture reference, looked it up and saw that it referred to doing a good job for God, THEN I KNEW THAT GOD WAS ACTUALLY THERE HELPING ME.
I didn't need to be overwhelmed with going through my brother's things, or donate anything, because they would end up being thrown out! And God knew that so He didn't let those connections/offers play out! He was in charge even though I hadn't heard from Him or otherwise felt His presence.
My brother died by suicide 1 year ago yesterday.
I am in a support group with CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATION FOR SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE LOSS.
I do NOT want you to kill yourself, but I can tell you that the group I am with does NOT teach that suicide is an unpardonable sin. It doesn't matter what your church teaches, it matters what the Bible says. The Bible says there is only 1 unpardonable sin and it is NOT suicide!!
I don't hear God's voice either! I am doing the best I can to keep moving forward. I am grieving for my brother, I feel guilty about his suicide, I have physical pain that is getting worse,
I hope that this post makes my point(s) clearer to you. I am sorry that you are suffering but please know that you are not alone! "Christianity" is a spectrum, and just because the Orthodox church teaches something it does not mean that it is correct according to what Scripture actually says.