I am currently somewhat acute suicidal. Thinking about ordering SN. I debated it today for at least 5 hours and could not think of anything else. I decided to postpone the decision for today.
There is a thread where longterm members express that they feel like frauds for being on here. So many members leave the forum because they are unable to watch so many people in existential pain and/or killing themselves. I also ask myself what is wrong with me that I am able to post here where so many people suffer extremely on a daily basis. Whether I am too numb or whether I lack human empathy.
My personal answer is: I profit a lot by this forum emotionally. It is hard to quantfy it but I feel way better when I am able to vent here. The time without this forum was soulcrushing. I feel accepted here. I feel surrounded by people who understand my pain. I can relate to the people on here. It gives me self-esteem when I get compliments for my threads. It seems to be my useless bipolar superpower to create countless threads on a suicide forum. I am pretty sure there are barely or none places on the internet where I could talk as uncensored and fully honest as on here. This is unique.
At the same time I think of so many members who left either saying the suffering on here is too much for them, they committed suicide or decided against suicide. Personally I think my daily pain level is pretty high. I think my pain is pretty excessive and personally I profit so much of sharing and expressing all the different thoughts and emotions that I am going through. I assume that there are statistically extremely many thoughts in my head compared to healthy people. And most of them are hurting me so fucking much. My consciousness is a torture chamber. I could imagine other longterm members also have a very high pain level which might decrease their senstivity towards other people suffering.
I think I am probably not the only longterm member who sometimes has a guilty conscience for being on here. The groups that are attacking this forum also target specifically longterm members. Personally I wrote many recovery threads when I was in a better shape and tried recovery myself. I am a very careful person when it comes to suicide trying to weigh the pros and cons in a completely rational way. This is something I brought up as a topic in my recovery threads and recommended that strategy.
Usually I am posting my opinion on this forum but in this thread I am mostly interested in the takes of members who are not that long on here. Do you think of us as hypocrites? Or that something might be wrong with us? I once wanted to copy a style from a newspaper and write under my profile noname223 columnist on sanctioned suicide. But I am scared of inappropriate humor. I think it is totally fine to cope with dark humor but I am scared of certain implications. This forum is not really only for fun. Though it is fact that dark humor can sometimes take the edges off pain.
There is a thread where longterm members express that they feel like frauds for being on here. So many members leave the forum because they are unable to watch so many people in existential pain and/or killing themselves. I also ask myself what is wrong with me that I am able to post here where so many people suffer extremely on a daily basis. Whether I am too numb or whether I lack human empathy.
My personal answer is: I profit a lot by this forum emotionally. It is hard to quantfy it but I feel way better when I am able to vent here. The time without this forum was soulcrushing. I feel accepted here. I feel surrounded by people who understand my pain. I can relate to the people on here. It gives me self-esteem when I get compliments for my threads. It seems to be my useless bipolar superpower to create countless threads on a suicide forum. I am pretty sure there are barely or none places on the internet where I could talk as uncensored and fully honest as on here. This is unique.
At the same time I think of so many members who left either saying the suffering on here is too much for them, they committed suicide or decided against suicide. Personally I think my daily pain level is pretty high. I think my pain is pretty excessive and personally I profit so much of sharing and expressing all the different thoughts and emotions that I am going through. I assume that there are statistically extremely many thoughts in my head compared to healthy people. And most of them are hurting me so fucking much. My consciousness is a torture chamber. I could imagine other longterm members also have a very high pain level which might decrease their senstivity towards other people suffering.
I think I am probably not the only longterm member who sometimes has a guilty conscience for being on here. The groups that are attacking this forum also target specifically longterm members. Personally I wrote many recovery threads when I was in a better shape and tried recovery myself. I am a very careful person when it comes to suicide trying to weigh the pros and cons in a completely rational way. This is something I brought up as a topic in my recovery threads and recommended that strategy.
Usually I am posting my opinion on this forum but in this thread I am mostly interested in the takes of members who are not that long on here. Do you think of us as hypocrites? Or that something might be wrong with us? I once wanted to copy a style from a newspaper and write under my profile noname223 columnist on sanctioned suicide. But I am scared of inappropriate humor. I think it is totally fine to cope with dark humor but I am scared of certain implications. This forum is not really only for fun. Though it is fact that dark humor can sometimes take the edges off pain.
