Discussion What do you feel when you are around happy people?

[NoHope]

Sometimes, when I am around happy people in public, or talking to a group of people who are having fun, and when I have to pretend that I am not depressed, I become completely overwhelmed by an immense sense of hopelessness and sadness, like there is just no point in anything, since I cannot relate to those happy people at all. I feel like utter shit inside and that I am just not meant to be there and I want to die immediately. Sometimes, when this happens I feel like making an impulsive attempt, but of course I have to keep it all inside and not show any signs. But in these moments, I just feel so much worse and cannot help but feel that I want nothing to do with this life, and that ctb is the only thing that I want in this existense, and that it is the right decision to make.

Actually, something similar happened to me as a teenager when I was in school. I often became overwhelmingly depressed when seeing happy classmates and teachers, when they were laughing and having fun, they seemed so positive and like they were genuinely enjoying life, and I could not understand why they would be so happy, like how do they do that?! Having to pretend that I was not depressed was really painful. To cope with many of these terrible feelings, I would sometimes stare out the window and fantasize about jumping off the nearest tall building or hanging myself in the bathroom stall, because it was relieving and made me feel a tiny bit less like shit.

Anyway, I've always been depressed. Apparently I was born with this shit. I even wanted to die as a kid when I was in kindergarten, I knew my life would be total shit. Having never been truly happy in my life is one of my many reasons for ctb. I can't imagine why anyone would be happy in this world.

Can anyone relate to any of this? What do you guys feel inside when you are around happy people? If you are depressed, do you try to hide your depression and fake happiness or pretend that you are okay?

 

[CRM]

It solidifies my belief that I don't need to be alive anymore. I don't actively fake being happy, but I try not to brood in public. The times I have just made people uncomfortable.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I feel a bit envious if I feel they are being genuine, annoyed sometimes, depressed, it depends on my state of mind I suppose *nods* Sometimes if I'm happy, I go happy too, but I usually must be in a special moment of highness or something happened, lol.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I always think they're stupid as hell.

Thank goodness I'm not around very many. Maybe it's the sourness of the people I get to be around that keeps me going. If everybody was happy, I'd get going.

 

[Smilla]

I was around a bunch of them tonight and nearly had a panic attack watching them.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

It mostly depends on my previous state of mind. Usually I'm just sad and feel crappy, because I can't really relate.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

They're always loud. Shriek when they talk and make these stupid grinning faces. It looks and sounds totally idiotic. Sometimes after I'm happy, I go home and think of how big of an idiot I was.

Happiness is for dumb little kids at Christmas. Not for old people with a foot in the grave.

 

[Lara Francis]

They get on my nerves !

 

[Psychospazz91]

I usually feel bad.... for them, because they must not fully comprehend life, and also for me because I'm incapable of experiencing that so I'll probably end up ruining the mood with my pessimistic outlook.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

being on the bench waiting to bat , being in out field.

being in the audience .

judged from the pulpit.

not picked for the team ..... ugh .

not invited .

left out .

uncared for .

Introjecting (?) these experiences into our own personal self commenting / instructive narrative ?

I don't know .

'NoHope' .... depressed from kindergarten age ?
Fuck .

Maybe I can relate ... I just hadn't defined it as such ?

I can remember experiencing the beginnings of self separartion from mainstream culture ( cult exclusion zone ... )at an early age . Thats what did it for me .

Not being allowed to feel fulfilled in experiences shared by the dominant ( though unallowed and rejected ) group ( school , the real world etc .)

I'm really big on believing social psychology is at the root of a lot of personal trauma ...

Losing the 'belong in the crowd' signal and being lost to the internal noise of reproach from other sources ( negative family / cult / conditions ... abandonment etc .)

Am trying to continue to construct these armatures of cultural experience ( non jargon jargon poetic metaphor ... snort, chuckle ) .

I'm pushing the whole 'mirror' behavior thing ( mum was an alcoholic nervous wreck and dad was closed down emotionally absent ... plus an exclusive ddevisive cult in the mix .) I can't imagine cooking up my internal psycho stew the way it is now , by my own devices ...



Or was it somehow more internally 'driven' for you ?

I was talking to someone who shares these problems , and voiced the idea that this hopelessness may be the rsult of losing a coherent / pain relieving / positive involvement inducing cultural narrative ... and when that destroyed narrative is not replaced ... the hopelessness becomes the replacement / default emotional response .

Why ?

Because it is the rational truth .

Death , hopelessness , unshielded by the warm blanket of intoxicating self transcending involvement with the
cultural world ... 'society '.

Got to make love to the scene , even though the scene is transcient , flawed , unforgiveable .
Maybe our interaction can improve us and it ( Oh shut the fuck up .... yeah .... toxic recovery propoganda incoming ... fuck ) I"m projecting , but it would be good to give a damn about the world and my place in it .

Maybe incrementally , just one small little piece at a time .

Anyway ... I'm away and woffling on my Ernest Becker tyrade like a stuck record .

Theres a lot of noise in this reply but I'll post it anyway .

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

They are happy because they have forgotten themselves ?

They are able to acheive 'flow' socially ?


Being 'lost ' in the moment ... dancing laughing talking mirroring 'joy' ( whats that ? yeah right )

socially poisoned me is panic attacked and self destructing and wishing to 'not be' in wahtever way is immediately available , rather than drown in the toxic hypocracy of happiness in this world ... it's just not right .


It's the oblivion emotional response noise drowning out the potentially shared communal joy signal . ???

 

[Volatile]

It's sometimes nice. It takes me back to earlier times. My 20s have been a big tragic descent. I am truly shocked at how bad things are and even more shocked that I'm adapting to it.

 

[ion900]

They're not happy, they're just too scared to be abnormal. Method acting works. You are more awakened for realizing this is a dark age. One where we are farther from each other than ever before. Lots of big cities wither it is ritual to ignore everyone. We worship separative screens. This is why there is a rumor the fallen angels of darkness made deals with the illuminati for modern technology. This would be part of an effort to centralize public thoughts and sway us into a communist false idol worshipping fascist dependency. It is clear though that big government always means more concentrated power which leads to less freedoms. We need to get back to capitalism. The type where everything is part of an organic market. Capitalism is all about gifting the people the choice to do what they want. Socialism is about letting the dictator(s) tell the people what is needed most instead of an organic market of customers. I think the reason we have big cities everywhere is because of subsidies that drew corporations to otherwise extravagant properties. Fame for a city is a dark ideology. Is it really necessary for all the firms and offices to be located in 200x rent area? It is clout auctioning. A profit by advertising essentially. Advertising by having a high rent office space. There is no need for companies to come to the population anymore. Cities are slave centers in a way. Just walk through a city and pay attention how nobody acts how they want to and only how they are expected to. From how they are dressed to how fast they think, they are brainwashed to fit into a society that is happy to cast them aside the first time they insult their habits. Many of us are addicts. Addicted to the reward systems of the higher controllers. Every time you hear a sound at an atm, subway gate, street walk sign, as you enter a building, or on your phone..... you are subject to a certain reward. Many of these rewards wouldn't be thought of as such if we hadn't been taught how to react by others before us and media. With all this false light convincing us it is not necessary to be sad when the true light, the sun goes out. The trick is to train your mind to be neutral at times and laugh at how conformist you are at times. I latch onto a select few novelties that I obsess over and pursue. Good personality traits and higher spiritual energy are some. When you claim you have succeeded when you get that gold jewelry, you are saying that you have finished learning about live at the moment you earn enough to buy it. I think we should always be looking to attain spiritual highness, not adoration of our peers. Crowd generated energy is subject to so much bias and negativity, we see a world of people showing their insecurity in the form of worshipping (looking at) celebrities all day. Once enough people becomes hypnotized by these things, others have harder time connecting with people because they feel like they are of a different species. This is why racism is good. Racism, is nationalism. A race of people is a population of people who share a common history. Racism is all about recognizing nearby people as people we need to be friendly. I am racist toward people who I cannot see. If I were to move to a different country, I would be racist to the other people of the world I cannot see at that point. Racism is just be comfortable. It doesn't have to be exclusive. It has to be instinctive though. Instinctive and teamwork based. The stories of destruction when enlightenment happens makes complete sense. The more nature we life with and more personal our societies are the more we will be happy and positive.

 

[Trashcan]

Jealousy and also pressure to appear happy.

 

[ion900]

It is my belief that we can change out thinking if we respect the rules of the universe.

 

[worldexploder]

I feel very uncomfortable around happy people. Even family members who have no idea about my struggles. Makes me feel like I gotta be on guard because I don't want people asking "what's wrong". So I act happy - fake a smile, crack a few jokes. Meanwhile I'm looking for a reason to go back downstairs and hide from the world.

 

[worldexploder]

It is my belief that we can change out thinking if we respect the rules of the universe.

Too bad the rules of the universe goes against us.

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

One got to me just last week. They're new on the team of people who are supposed to support me with my Asperger's stuff, but asking me if I liked horses, to which I replied 'yeah, I used to love riding them' and then being told 'well I can take you to see some, you should start doing it again!!!' with a beaming smile on her face, but sadly, I cannot start doing it again. One I can't really afford it right now and two I doubt I could even get on a horse, I can barely walk because of the pain in my right leg and my pelvic pain is so bad I can't sit upright most days, let alone sit on a horse. All this did was leave me feeling even worse, it was already a bad day, I have been having period bleeding for like three weeks, I am so tired, all I wanted to do that day was sleep in bed, not think about all the stuff I am missing out on.

People like this have no idea what they're contributing to in my case,

 

[Iwant2sleepforever]

I'm happy that they're happy. They can keep living their best lives. In contrast if I'm not happy why should I keep living.