Discussion What do you do when you don't want to live, but at the same time, you don't know how to die and you're scared of death itself too?

[HortEr162]

I've been living in some kind of limbo because of this. My life is shit right now and I don't think I can continue. I fucking can't, I just want to stop suffering.

I attempted suicide on December of last year. I was gonna hang myself. I investigated about it, I had the rope, everything. The day I attempted my parents were out of town and wouldn't be back until late evening. It was the perfect opportunity. I did everything, and when I was gonna do it I just fucking couldn't. I got a panic attack and couldn't continue.
I also started wondering, what if the rope breaks? What if I didn't made the knot properly? What if my body moved somehow, and I end up on the floor? What if my parents arrive before expected? FUCK. There are too many posibilities and most probably I'll end up disabled if any of them happen.

While I panicked, time went by, evening arrived, and I had to hide everything before my parents arrived.

I then started investigating other methods and stuff, but all of them have some chance of survival and of course, the posibility of ending up like a vegetable the rest of your life. Of course, any of you would say something like: "just do it correctly and most probably you'll succeed", but still, WHAT IF?? The posibility is always there, and it scares me.

The only method of suicide that is fully guaranteed to work is euthanasia. But of course, it's very difficult to get assisted suicide. It's a long process that requires a lot of time and also, money. And even so, your petition can be denied. So I guess luck is also involved.

But even if I had access to euthanasia right now, I'm not sure if I'd do it. Death itself scares me. What will happen after? It's just a black void, or was heaven and hell real? No one fucking knows.

This feeling is hell. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have an answer?

 

[Crow_88]

I think a lot of us get stuck in this point. I had a failed attempt this summer and I've been gun shy ever since. And it's placed me in the same terrible situation where I don't want to live but I'm too freaked out to go through with it. I actually had a stroke as well in early summer. That should have taken me out but I recovered fully. It's all like some kind of tease. Anyways, I definitely know the frustration and confusion you are going through. Right there with you!

 

[beardyoldcorpse]

Yeah…no one knows for sure what dying will actually feel like and what if anything will follow.
The one sure thing is that eventually we are all going to find out…..one way or another!
I am 70 years old.., lost my wife to cancer and watch3d her die a miserable death despite the efforts of the hospice staff.
I am now alone and frightened as to what future illness may leave me disabled and unable to carry out my plans to depart in a hopefully peaceful painlesss way as possible.
When the time comes I will try to remember my wife's suffering and shamefully take the easy way out.