what do you do when life becomes truly unbearable

[cantthinkofusername]

its 240 am right now, i cant sleep
i dont want to wake up tomorrow and have to live another day
just a few days ago, i felt fine, tomorrow im going to see a movie w my friends, im seeing a psychiatrist for the first time soon and i have an appointment with my therapist in a few days
i have every reason to be enjoying life and i have every reason to have hope for the future
i just feel like i cant do it
i feel like theres nothing that can make living for just one more day bearable
i want to end this, and i could do it tonight, and im scared that i will
i feel like i have to do it and it woudl make evrything okay, but its terrifying
i dont want to die i just dont want to live and i don thave any other choice

 

[Blackpepperpancake]

There was a day when it was so overwhelming, all I did was lay down and stare at the ceiling for hours, just to calm down all the horrible thoughts. Please remember what you are feeling right now is a temporary moment, you might get better and backward after that, but everything changes and won't be the same. Healing won't be a constant line and that's also fine.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

There was a day when it was so overwhelming, all I did was lay down and stare at the ceiling for hours, just to calm down all the horrible thoughts. Please remember what you are feeling right now is a temporary moment, you might get better and backward after that, but everything changes and won't be the same. Healing won't be a constant line and that's also fine.

I had a similar day a few days ago after taking a Benadryl for allergies (apparently it doesn´t mix well with my meds) I have never been so depressed there was no energy to do nothing other than sit and stare into the wall and think of suicide, although I tried watching series several times but just didn´t feel any motivation to do anything other than stare and think about suicide, I even thought about a specific way to ctb but (and this it to OP as well if he/she reads) I knew I had almost never been this unnatural depressed before so I knew I shouldn´t go do anything, it would be better to wait for a day where I was clear minded. So not much solace for OP since I guess you should just ride it out if it´s only this one day or it happens rarely. I knew the Benadryl only lasted 24h so I would just be needing to wait for it to pass my system.

 

[Agon321]

If I have overwhelming negative thoughts, I imagine that it doesn't matter. I imagine I can do anything, so why should I worry about anything? I try not to take life seriously. You could say I comfort myself. It also helps me to turn everything into a joke. I love dark humor, so I enjoy it.

Of course, I am often unable to get rid of negative thoughts. Sometimes I can't do anything and I feel a damn void (the worst feeling I know).
Sometimes you have to wait until the bad mood passes.

Good luck and have fun watching the movie with your friends.

 

[escape_from_hell]

This is not a healthy suggestion and actually not a suggestion at all maybe it's best you avoid it but...
I resorted to drugs eventually. I feel utter despair most days but I am still trying get some stuff done for my CTB so I will take kratom (not much is needed when you truly feel awful to stop a panic attack/despair/crying). I am just being real. I spend days curled up in a ball immobilized in physical and emotional pain otherwise.

 

[UnwillingSavior]

This is not a healthy suggestion and actually not a suggestion at all maybe it's best you avoid it but...
I resorted to drugs eventually. I feel utter despair most days but I am still trying get some stuff done for my CTB so I will take kratom (not much is needed when you truly feel awful to stop a panic attack/despair/crying). I am just being real. I spend days curled up in a ball immobilized in physical and emotional pain otherwise.

I just posted about trying aminata muscaria mushrooms, but I've also heard about kratom. How has that worked for you? Is it legal where you live? I hear you can form a dependence on the stuff, but it's not as bad as other opioids. Good luck on your journey.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I just posted about trying aminata muscaria mushrooms, but I've also heard about kratom. How has that worked for you? Is it legal where you live? I hear you can form a dependence on the stuff, but it's not as bad as other opioids. Good luck on your journey.

It is legal where I am but there are many states in the US banning it already and it is probably only a matter of time.
Everyone is different, and some people get addicted like crazy. For me I would say it is less addictive than cannabis (which was not a good drug to cope with--just kept reminding me how awful I am which I already know).
However I am theoretically psychologically dependent since I use it to stop crying spells which sometimes happen in public now, panic attacks, extreme immobilizing despair, back pain from hell etc. Especially if I need to get something done. When you are in that deep dark pit, much less is needed to halt the evil train than would be for a recreational high. So I intentionally keep dosages very low to avoid tolerance for that very reason, but I have always been an anal and overdisciplined person. I also find just knowing I have SOMETHING in case shit is going very wrong to be enough comfort to not need it sometimes. If you use it as a party/escape and are only mildly depressed, escalating doses and physical dependence are far more likely. That said, it does not cause respiratory depression (possibly if you took extracts tho), and I find taking a high dose actually makes me feel like shit/even a hangover effect next day, so it is self-limiting in that respect.
It suck but without it I'd probably already be dead. I still think I might CTB but kratom also makes me optimistic ironically while I am trying to get things ready to CTB. To be a drug addict or dead is one better than the other? It's not like being a fentanyl addict but I have come to the sad realization that drugs are about the only good I could hope for in life anymore.

 

[UnwillingSavior]

However I am theoretically psychologically dependent since I use it to stop crying spells which sometimes happen in public now, panic attacks, extreme immobilizing despair, back pain from hell etc. Especially if I need to get something done. When you are in that deep dark pit, much less is needed to halt the evil train than would be for a recreational high. So I intentionally keep dosages very low to avoid tolerance for that very reason, but I have always been an anal and overdisciplined person. I also find just knowing I have SOMETHING in case shit is going very wrong to be enough comfort to not need it sometimes. If you use it as a party/escape and are only mildly depressed, escalating doses and physical dependence are far more likely. That said, it does not cause respiratory depression (possibly if you took extracts tho), and I find taking a high dose actually makes me feel like shit/even a hangover effect next day, so it is self-limiting in that respect.
It suck but without it I'd probably already be dead. I still think I might CTB but kratom also makes me optimistic ironically while I am trying to get things ready to CTB. To be a drug addict or dead is one better than the other? It's not like being a fentanyl addict but I have come to the sad realization that drugs are about the only good I could hope for in life anymore.

That's a really nice way to look at it, and I appreciate your acknowledgement that it is still very much a drug and not "medicine"; my mom swears by cannabis, and she can't live without the stuff, for example. It's great you've formed as healthy a relationship with the stuff as you can, maybe down the line I'll give it a try too if it isn't banned in the US where I live by that time. I hear about kava too, but for now I'm looking at the aforementioned mushrooms for the time being. Thanks for your response.

 

[winterbear]

when it feels really bad i just try to remember that i wont feel it forever

even in the worst most dreadful moments when nothing was okay, the bad feelings still went away eventually

its hard when the depression/PTSD flare hits and literally the only thing that could take it away in that moment is either drugs or death, wishing it was all just a bad dream and wanting desperately to wake up, im also scared that id end it when it gets bad again

even after the most dreadful things happened and i thought id never be able to feel okay again, i still somehow felt okay afterwards, its very strange, but its comforting too, knowing that everything is temporary.

 

[Meteora]

That's a good question and I end up where my life is absolutely unbearable every second day (or even every day).
Right now, I just wished I was dead. I have those feelings chronically since years. What I have is not a life. I m just surviving. But what for? To be used and abused and betrayed? I hate myself.

 

[Bannana]

You take things one step at a time, and you remember that everything is going to be okay