nevergoodenough91
Really trying to discover what is going on
- Jun 20, 2023
- 74
I have been narcissistically abused to the point where my life is unlivable right now, who I am is from 2012-14
I have looked at what has happened and i am child in an adults body basically i have not moved an inch authentically from where I was when my dad destroyed my sense of self at 13.
I finally found where i was authentically, at the time I was at an ultimatum. (This wasnt given explicitly, basically in the subtex of how he treated me) My dad gave me either become a narcissist and abandon your sense of self and authenticity, where youll regain your ability to do things. Or keep your sense of self and be merged with me and fawn me, constantly please everything I say or ill threaten you to be thrown out of the house and anything enjoyable you own to be taken away. I chose number 2, but I am so strained and broken to the point where this false self ive created out of the enmeshment cant do anything anymore. Who I am and my genuine growth is back there, and there are some even more fundamental things I never learned or was allowed to have like feeling enough that my genuine sense of self doesnt have. Who I ACTUALLY am is underdeveloped by 9 years. Because I suspended myself to survive.
If i am going to act as I am anywhere it will be unacceptable to the people around because I am so immature where I stopped its horrible.
The only thing keeping me together and the only thing allowing me to continue is the false self thats enmeshed. I want to break away but any authentic behavior will probably end up getting me killed
I want to die but there is hope for me i have a glimmer of hope the thing i was fighting for for so long has been found and recovered but at the cost of everything else
I dont know what to do at this point
If i go crazy with it i will feel amazing and myself but probably wont get anywhere
I dont think i can hold down anything any responsibility everything is basically weighing on a 13 year olds shoulders to solve it.
Is there people you call for situations like this where they save you or something what can happen? Like some social service?
I am staring at a giant hole of progress and things like that which never happened. Time past and false progress was made. I have many lessons to learn as my true self that my false self learned to do by excessivley mind gaming and people pleasing to not be hurt. I never made any friction with reality because that was taken from me into a blob of everything becoming one thing. One single emotion and self and nothing is seperste because of him.
I have the capacity to be authentic to be myself to have a LIFE FINALLY TO FEEL SOMETHING TO NO LONGER BE IN DEPRESSION AND ITS FOR NOTHING
Am i unlucky should I kill myself?
I have looked at what has happened and i am child in an adults body basically i have not moved an inch authentically from where I was when my dad destroyed my sense of self at 13.
I finally found where i was authentically, at the time I was at an ultimatum. (This wasnt given explicitly, basically in the subtex of how he treated me) My dad gave me either become a narcissist and abandon your sense of self and authenticity, where youll regain your ability to do things. Or keep your sense of self and be merged with me and fawn me, constantly please everything I say or ill threaten you to be thrown out of the house and anything enjoyable you own to be taken away. I chose number 2, but I am so strained and broken to the point where this false self ive created out of the enmeshment cant do anything anymore. Who I am and my genuine growth is back there, and there are some even more fundamental things I never learned or was allowed to have like feeling enough that my genuine sense of self doesnt have. Who I ACTUALLY am is underdeveloped by 9 years. Because I suspended myself to survive.
If i am going to act as I am anywhere it will be unacceptable to the people around because I am so immature where I stopped its horrible.
The only thing keeping me together and the only thing allowing me to continue is the false self thats enmeshed. I want to break away but any authentic behavior will probably end up getting me killed
I want to die but there is hope for me i have a glimmer of hope the thing i was fighting for for so long has been found and recovered but at the cost of everything else
I dont know what to do at this point
If i go crazy with it i will feel amazing and myself but probably wont get anywhere
I dont think i can hold down anything any responsibility everything is basically weighing on a 13 year olds shoulders to solve it.
Is there people you call for situations like this where they save you or something what can happen? Like some social service?
I am staring at a giant hole of progress and things like that which never happened. Time past and false progress was made. I have many lessons to learn as my true self that my false self learned to do by excessivley mind gaming and people pleasing to not be hurt. I never made any friction with reality because that was taken from me into a blob of everything becoming one thing. One single emotion and self and nothing is seperste because of him.
I have the capacity to be authentic to be myself to have a LIFE FINALLY TO FEEL SOMETHING TO NO LONGER BE IN DEPRESSION AND ITS FOR NOTHING
Am i unlucky should I kill myself?
