Venting What did it do to me??? What have I become?

[Hahem]

I have stopped to reflect here for a moment
What did it do to me???
What have I become?
I used to play such beautiful pieces, I remember playing Chopin's polonaise start to finish, and I loved it so much - it feels like ages ago at this point. And now look at me, I forgot everything, I gave up on the piano and can't get back.
I used to be so smart, I always had good grades, I was at a moment best on my school, and now what happened? I am struggling to get by, missing all classes, barely getting enough grades to pass.
I used to have a smile, to tell jokes and stories, I used to run around, to feel joy in me, now what changed? I am soulless, I can barely get out of bed.
God, what happened? I had so much potential. I always heard the stories, but I never took them seriously, I thought they were all weak and lazy. But now it got me.
And what do I do? I wish I could stop everything and just reflect on my life for a while. But when will it be enough? To resume?
I feel each day passing by and I get weaker and weaker, it's like I'm rotting alive, jesus, this is the worst feeling, it's horrible, I feel numb, soulless, apathetic. I feel like I died in 2022 and since then I've just beem scrambling along. I had so much potential, but what can I say, it got me
And I have no one to blame but myself
It isn't supossed to be this hard, it really isn't

 

[Z-A]

I can relate to losing everything that was ever alive in my life. It's a slow process of self-destruction, which I desire. That's why I decided to stop fighting against it, as it's an inevitable fate anyway. It's unfair, and I'm sorry for anyone who lands in the same boat.

Wishing you the best, though.