What caused you to give up on life? If this does not work I'm giving up again too.

[ForsakenDial]

For me it was when I realized there was no escape. Since I was a child I was bullied heavily for my disabilities and physical appearance. I made post about it last year.

It was never a single event. Instead, it was thousands of events that played over and over again. Yes, thousands. Because everyday, since as long as I could remember I was ostracized and bullied. The vast loneliness, and having teachers side with the perpetrators. Then to go home to parents who both physically and verbally abused me.

All those years made me expect suffering. To be human is to suffer at the hands of the collective. When I hoped things would be different, when things were getting better the pain began all over again. Every single time. Those stories were shared before. In other post and on different difficult nights.

Things have been getting better. I've isolated myself physically but I found someone I love. I feel a reason to live for the first time. Those endless clouds finally have a light in the far distance. But, I don't know if it'll last. I never loved someone like this before. Everyone hates me in time. Everyone abandons me in time. This person has seen me and I have seen them, but we have yet to physically meet. They say they love me.

It is too early to get attached. But there is no point in trying to continue after this. The only reason life is only marginally better is because I don't go outside to be hurt again. I will go out for them and only them. But, if this doesn't work I'm not going to attempt again. Both when it comes to trying to live and ctbing. I'm going to CTB, not attempt.

 

[FuneralCry]

I never really "gave up", In my case I've never really saw existence as something desirable in the first place, I've never wished to exist, I've only wished for the peace of an dreamless, eternal sleep where all is finally forgotten about. Existence is very futile to me, I don't see the value in prolonging meaningless suffering as much as possible, I see it as such a curse to exist at all.

 

[oblivion_handmade]

I've shot all my shots. I've tried to fix the things that got in the way of building the life that I want, and have been unable to. I'm not going to linger around for another 40+ years, doing shit I don't care about for people who don't care about me. Sometimes things don't work out, and I've made my peace with that. I don't blame anyone, and I don't care about the people I'll leave behind either, not really. I have some debt to pay off and some things to take care of before I go. After that - It's my business and no one else's.

 

[Deadfrogwalking]

All of life has not been bad, more bad days than good ones at this point though, seems to be at a 4 bad/1good ratio.
As my own mental problems worsen with age and my physical health collapsing brings the CTB option closer, it's the loneliness of isolation that has pressed most upon me.

Loneliness, final answer

 

[F@#$]

The process of living life. Seeing how it "really works" nobody gives a fuck about anyone but themselves and what they can get out of someone else.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I guess because my coping mechanism (my creative job) is failing and will almost certainly fail financially in the future. Besides, it's not giving me as much as it used to. Life isn't terrible at the moment but, it has the real potential to be terrible in the future. There's every likelihood I'll end up in a wage slave job again one day and I know from ten years past experience how they make me feel, plus add on to that an aging and likely failing body. I've already stayed here for decades dealing with this shit so as not to upset others. When they go, so will my tethers here and, hopefully I'll be free to do it. I have no interest in living as a slave.

 

[sklvlp999]

For me it was when I realized there was no escape. Since I was a child I was bullied heavily for my disabilities and physical appearance. I made post about it last year.

It was never a single event. Instead, it was thousands of events that played over and over again. Yes, thousands. Because everyday, since as long as I could remember I was ostracized and bullied. The vast loneliness, and having teachers side with the perpetrators. Then to go home to parents who both physically and verbally abused me.

All those years made me expect suffering. To be human is to suffer at the hands of the collective. When I hoped things would be different, when things were getting better the pain began all over again. Every single time. Those stories were shared before. In other post and on different difficult nights.

Things have been getting better. I've isolated myself physically but I found someone I love. I feel a reason to live for the first time. Those endless clouds finally have a light in the far distance. But, I don't know if it'll last. I never loved someone like this before. Everyone hates me in time. Everyone abandons me in time. This person has seen me and I have seen them, but we have yet to physically meet. They say they love me.

It is too early to get attached. But there is no point in trying to continue after this. The only reason life is only marginally better is because I don't go outside to be hurt again. I will go out for them and only them. But, if this doesn't work I'm not going to attempt again. Both when it comes to trying to live and ctbing. I'm going to CTB, not attempt.

I'm not trying to be negative here but you said it first; everyone hates me in time, everyone abandons me.
I'm not saying also that this cycle won't end up here but believe me when I say that attachment can be the root for a lot of pain.
Just make sure you know this person well before putting what seems to be your last drop of faith in this world bc people can be deceiving no matter how good things look.
I'm sorry if this comes across as something negative but I've been there and put too much of me into somebody that you'd never thought could lie to you.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

It was knowing too much. Like..you figure out life's a loop of scenarios that's on repeat.
They say do what you love and you wont have to worry about working. Nope. Not true. you have to take an unbelievable amount of crap before youre even remotely in a position to not worry about anything else and just enjoy what you do.
Then there's the actual cost of living.
Then there's the irrational clinging to hope that just..amazes and perplexes me at the same time. Like I do the same shit and try to change or adapt and the outcome is still the same. But a couple of months later i encounter the same scenario and poof. same ending. shocker.
And yet there's a part of me that still hopes: Hopes i'll get a good job, hope i'll achieve what little dreams and wishes I have, because I have set the bar so low already based on life experiences.
I've understood this and I made some sort of peace that I am like that, but the difference now is taking steps to CTB. Similar to you, not attempt, but to CTB successfully.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I gave up on life when I knew what death was and what people had to do whilst being alive. Before then, I was too ignorant and too young to even think. However, once I knew what life is like for the average human, I found solace in death and I found death to be so peaceful and existence to be pointless and tiring for me to live through

 

[UsagiDrop]

I keep trying to think back to a time where I ever wanted life. I had to have been a child with no knowledge of the true nature of people and life itself, but I barely remember those times. I've always felt a little bit like I just didn't belong here. I realized the thing about cycles when I was in school; you wake up just to play a role in this world and only a few of us can realistically create a role for ourselves. Most of us will have it given to us, or pushed onto us out of necessity. I was to be someone's smart and pretty daughter first, with no other responsibilities I was instead something like a doll, and when I stepped out of that line, I was punished. I had to be a happy child, the oldest "sibling" in the house, a good student, and then one day I could be someone's wage slave and house slave through a marriage. Then, I'm supposed to procreate and put someone else through this potential misery, get old, get sick, die…

I just always felt that way. I learned there was language for how I felt on the playground while I was holding a pair or scissors and trying to find the vein on my wrist that we just learned about in class, wondering if I could really die and just skip to the ending like a cheat in a video game if I damaged it. The first time I heard the words "depressed" and "suicidal" was when a few kids pointed at me and tried to goad me into doing it. Only one well-meaning kid ran away and told a teacher, lol. I was whisked away to the school psychologist and felt relief when she explained to me what suicide was and asked if I wanted to do it. I said, "of course not!" But in the back of my mind I wished I had done it when those classmates asked.

I had a little bit of hope, I think, when I was eighteen or nineteen. The plan was always for me to die by twenty-five and I had told anyone who would listen that throughout school to the point where people signed my graduation notebook with "please survive," but when I started college, I thought maybe the system of formal education had beaten me down. Things weren't so bad; I had some autonomy, I had different friends and a new hope. I was good at what I studied, people valued my ideas, and I thought I was going to work towards a profession that I would like. But then I ran into the wrong people who blew that flame out of me while they abused me, and I feel like I can't come back from that no matter how hard I try. So maybe that's truly when I gave up on life.

I think it will always be that way. Life really is just a bunch of cycles. I may not be being abused anymore and I'm now on what is probably my third or fourth brand new life but I still have the same problems. They follow me even when I try to get help, so life seems like a drag. I think people can only be happy when they accept that this is what life is. When you're okay with encountering the same thing over and over again, or if your cycles are more pleasant than the ones that others have to endure, then yeah, you'll have a will to live. Even though I'm deciding to put up with this, at least for as long as I possibly can or until I reach a certain milestone in life, I'm always going to wish for the world to stop so I can hop off. It will continue to spin whether I'm here for the ride or not, anyway.

I don't like to end things so negatively when I can help it! Sometimes we can break cycles, but not always. I hope that what you're experiencing right now is not a cycle of abandonment for you, @ForsakenDial, but I hope that it's just you going into a new and better one where someone doesn't leave for once. And if not, well, at least we all have our ideas of how to forcefully quit.

 

[Celerity]

Like you, like most of us here perhaps, it is not any one event or reason. All I know is that I have contemplated suicide for most of my life now. I started at 12. Still going strong at 30 going on 31 in a couple of months. If that is not evidence enough for my continued misery, I don't know what is. Even living a good life is hard. Just living requires so much effort - effort I am now too tired to give. Death will be a release. Whenever I get upset about it, I try to remind myself that this is exactly why I must die in the first place. I never want to feel this way again.

 

[TransientEternal]

When I realized that everything you do will have nothing to do with you after death. Memories, connections, possessions, etc. People always say that you don't really die, but leave behind a legacy for others. What beautiful platitudes. My mindset is the reason I don't care about life. Death is just a gap in life, the moments where you no longer have perception of anything and no brain signals are being emitted. The law of conservation states that nothing is truly lost. No perception of time means that in a subjective moment you will regain your consciousness some way or another. That won't be you. It will live until it's consciousness is extinguished again. Ad infinitum. This is why I have apathy and indifference to most things.

 

[HemlockWizard]

For me it is also a cycle of abandonment that began with my father and never stopped. I've had two good relationships ever in my life and even in my best one, they still abandoned me. I also can't keep up with society. I never had the energy. To go and diagnose the issue has lead me to the grim reality that there is nothing to "fix". Pills have been and will only be a bandaid, not a cure.

I've thought of ctb since I was about 9 or 10, though. I find a lot of peace in accepting that's how I will leave. I also thought I would have ctb sooner, but I gave into hope that only lead to dead dreams, false promises, and exhaustion. I just turned 27. I only hope life's suffering won't last much longer. I don't think I have the capacity for any more pain and disappointment. The only peace I have found in life has been on my own, which has been a hellscape in itself.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've mentioned an event from over eight years ago which caused me to break and choose the path of evil. I didn't quite consider suicide yet since the very instigator of my heartbreak had the audacity to want to keep me around as a friend and she pleaded with me not to consider suicide because of a time when she was in third grade and someone had committed suicide in her class and even though she barely knew them, she saw how it affected everyone else and that made her really sad regardless. I foolishly agreed to a promise to never ever even want to do it with the condition that I wait until I was at least 30 years old.

I semi broke this promise in 2020 when I initially joined the site because I was feeling so much despair that my two grandparents had died and I felt guilty about not being able to attend their funeral thanks to my fear of my dad. Later that year in September I broke my promise a little more when a different girl who was from this very website, attempted to initiate a relationship with me only for her to drop me probably when she realized how fucked up I really was (it's been a while so I'm not fully remembering all the details well). Now that I was attached to this new girl I thought it was okay to break my promise to the previous one so I bought my SN. It's been over three years since then and I still don't have the balls to do it. I haven't even started my plans yet even though I have only 30 days til I'm 30. I don't care if I'm going to have to wait til I'm a little after 30 I know I must make it happen no matter what but I'm just so so lazy. I guess some glimmers of false hope have made it so I still cling to life. Maybe if I let myself fail with my current crush (which I swore to myself I wouldn't have again but oh well here I am) then that'll give me the push I truly need to give up on life. Fuck all my shitty plans maybe they were all along just an excuse too.

 

[Hollowman]

Brain damage