Was there a specific event or change that brought on your depression?
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Schizophrenic and lost tge love of my life. I will eventually ctb. Just a matter of time. Can't take this shit.
Timetoleave
Student
- May 8, 2019
- 100
I lost my Son and now I just exist, I don't want this life I just need peace now it's too hard.
Ivenocare
Student
- Mar 31, 2019
- 194
Wife beyond grave, mass delusions every day, stuck in my mind, thinking constantly, nihilistic beliefs, mental health slowly degrading every day, repetitive days.
Bullying and not getting anywhere in life. Now it's all just pointless existence for others.
My mother's suicide attempt. I was perfectly fine before that. The difference between my state of mind before and after is like day and night.
Monster
Member
- Apr 26, 2019
- 77
Realizing the world is completely fucked and humanity is a monstrosity. That the few good things/people can't make up for the horrible, and that it's just not worth it (for me). That I'm not cut out for life.
It began when I was a child growing up in a shitty environment, but things just got more and more difficult as I got older. Traumas and disappointments piled up. Now I'm just ready to go. I'm sure the many years on adderall have done serious damage to my brain. I don't know if I can wait around for two years to heal from the damage. I guess when you are on adderall for like almost 18 years it takes years for your brain to recover if it ever does. I don't think I can handle waiting that long to be functional again.
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Tortured_empath
Arcanist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 463
Car accident or something else?
Tortured_empath
Arcanist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 463
Got hit by a drunk driver yes... I acutally used to be very happy with my life before, but since then I haven't been living, I've just been killing time. Feels like a bad nightmare.
People told me to be glad I survived... I just wish I hadn't.
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Understood. Also was run into a few years ago and processing never got quite right again.
Dead beat dad
Enlightened
- Mar 5, 2019
- 1,030
When I look at the innocence of my child and all the horror in the world. I realise I was once that child and no one protected me from that horror.
DBD
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,662
From the start, it is knowing that life is unfair and having to accept that fact, then how many things are out of my control and really just suck without me being able to do much to affect it. Also, existential crisis and what not.
Now as far as personal circumstances, I have Aspergers, social anxiety, and depression brought upon by how shitty the world is and the cards I am dealt with. Then, more pressing matters, well having to struggle a bit with money (not currently at risk for being homeless but still a struggle to exist), virginity (but moreso the lack of experience and knowledge of intercourse), then of course, realizing that my dreams are simply just unattainable.
Now as far as personal circumstances, I have Aspergers, social anxiety, and depression brought upon by how shitty the world is and the cards I am dealt with. Then, more pressing matters, well having to struggle a bit with money (not currently at risk for being homeless but still a struggle to exist), virginity (but moreso the lack of experience and knowledge of intercourse), then of course, realizing that my dreams are simply just unattainable.
Deadgirl
Game Over
- Mar 31, 2019
- 215
Having no friends while other kids bullied me relentlessly and flunk in school. Also being reminded by family what a failure I am. Most of it had to do with bullying.
Loli
highly flammable
- May 25, 2019
- 119
I think I was 5 or 6 then. I was watching my dad trying to fix something in our car. He couldn't make it, suddenly got furious and wreaked his anger by beating me up. Then he turned off the light and left me crying in pitch-black dark garage.
He apologized me afterwards but had nightmares for a while. Well, in fact I have them even nowadays but rarely. Beside some random episodes of anger he was good to me when I was a kid. Maybe it's not exact cause of my mental health problems, but it surely was a glimpse of what was happening years later. A butterfly effect. Later on I had to face much, much worse events than his red, raging face but none of them wouldn't happen if he restrained himself from ruining my family.
He apologized me afterwards but had nightmares for a while. Well, in fact I have them even nowadays but rarely. Beside some random episodes of anger he was good to me when I was a kid. Maybe it's not exact cause of my mental health problems, but it surely was a glimpse of what was happening years later. A butterfly effect. Later on I had to face much, much worse events than his red, raging face but none of them wouldn't happen if he restrained himself from ruining my family.
Ruffian
Jumpin Jack Flash, it’s a gas gas gas
- Jan 16, 2019
- 696
Ugh. I am so sorry that happened to you. The driver was probably fine - I had a friend die in high school same way & the drunk driver was ok. Plus it's just the worst when others tell you how you should feel.
Having aspergers, bullying, being raped... Just a bundle of joy really
Alchemist
Warlock
- Apr 3, 2019
- 709
So many reason. Being bullied, not having friends, be lonely and unable to have any kind of relationship, never knowing love, knowing that I wasted any chance I had to be successful, knowing I'm stuck being mediocre, and so on.
KnightBlade
Waiting for the last tear to fall...
- May 23, 2019
- 126
Where do I start?
My mother suffers from bipolar and narcissistic personality disorders. She has been formally diagnosed and refuses to undergo a treatment regimen. She is emotionally manipulative and was physically abusive to me as a child. She ground my self-esteem to dust. She is a she-devil. Fortunately, my maternal grandmother was able to step in and temporarily grant me some respite from my mother's erratic behavior, but the damage was done. Depression became my constant companion.
With my grandmother's guidance and encouragement, I managed to graduate from college and get a job . However, things went downhill when she died in 2006. It was a miserable, painful, lingering decline from cancer. Something snapped in me when she died. I felt SO alone — I had lost my heroine, my cheerleader, my friend. Most importantly, my grandmother shielded me from my mother because she knew I was too emotionally fragile to handle her. The anxiety developed because the shield between my mother and me had evaporated. I am in a constant state of fear, depression, and anxiety because my mother continues to make my life miserable despite my cutting off contact with her after my grandmother's funeral.
For a few years after grandmother's death, I have been able to manage; as I get older, it is getting more difficult. I have missed out on so much in life because of these disorders.
My mother suffers from bipolar and narcissistic personality disorders. She has been formally diagnosed and refuses to undergo a treatment regimen. She is emotionally manipulative and was physically abusive to me as a child. She ground my self-esteem to dust. She is a she-devil. Fortunately, my maternal grandmother was able to step in and temporarily grant me some respite from my mother's erratic behavior, but the damage was done. Depression became my constant companion.
With my grandmother's guidance and encouragement, I managed to graduate from college and get a job . However, things went downhill when she died in 2006. It was a miserable, painful, lingering decline from cancer. Something snapped in me when she died. I felt SO alone — I had lost my heroine, my cheerleader, my friend. Most importantly, my grandmother shielded me from my mother because she knew I was too emotionally fragile to handle her. The anxiety developed because the shield between my mother and me had evaporated. I am in a constant state of fear, depression, and anxiety because my mother continues to make my life miserable despite my cutting off contact with her after my grandmother's funeral.
For a few years after grandmother's death, I have been able to manage; as I get older, it is getting more difficult. I have missed out on so much in life because of these disorders.
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Surprising as it may seem I am not depressed, just determined.
azucaramargo
Enlightened
- Sep 16, 2018
- 1,010
Oh Fadingfast, I am so sorry. Schizophrenia seems like a very difficult condition. I do hope you find a reason to keep on living, though. You sound so lovely. I am with you.
That is so INTERESTING. Just out of curiosity, of you're not depressed, what appeals to you about ctb'ing?
lululoo
Mage
- Dec 15, 2018
- 558
Not one event, but scary emotionally abusive father plus enabling mother fucked me up. I felt unlovable and worthless despite being a smart, cute kid, because that's how they treated me. So I was depressed by 11, suicidal by 14.
But even as I type all that I don't know if they are to blame. I will die thinking it might be mostly my fault. Even though logically I know kids can't create self esteem on their own and if you have no self esteem and are depressed so young, there was probably something bad going on in your home or elsewhere!
But even as I type all that I don't know if they are to blame. I will die thinking it might be mostly my fault. Even though logically I know kids can't create self esteem on their own and if you have no self esteem and are depressed so young, there was probably something bad going on in your home or elsewhere!
azucaramargo
Enlightened
- Sep 16, 2018
- 1,010
At the very least. I am SO grateful you were/are able to realize how cute and smart you are then AND now.
lululoo
Mage
- Dec 15, 2018
- 558
sunny.sativa
organic
- Apr 2, 2019
- 317
Definitely the development of my eating disorder. I suppose it wasn't painful at first. I didn't know there was an issue, I was only 11. By age 15, it had evolved into an agonizing routine.
I rarely experienced extremely short phases of freedom, maybe just two weeks of an ED-free life. I don't know why, maybe I was high enough or distracted enough, but I was happy then. Just then, I thought I was in the clear.
She always comes back to destroy me, though. Can't catch a fucking break.
I rarely experienced extremely short phases of freedom, maybe just two weeks of an ED-free life. I don't know why, maybe I was high enough or distracted enough, but I was happy then. Just then, I thought I was in the clear.
She always comes back to destroy me, though. Can't catch a fucking break.
Chalken
Decaying
- Nov 20, 2018
- 214
There wasn't a single trigger, things just gradually got worse. My social anxiety and isolation contributed as well. Also realising that life is pretty pointless and many things are just a trivial waste of time and effort.
My entire education leading up to a moment I never got to experience due to a deterioration in my mental health. I worked really hard to get onto my course and now I have no opportunities and 3 wasted years in and out of hospitals...
Lush_nova
Self Destruct Activated
- May 16, 2019
- 105
Realising my mother never actually wanted me, being left in her care, left to be sexually abused from the age of 7, whilst my siblings were removed by social services, my child being beaten most days for no reason, being hated at school because of who my mother was, it just rolls on and on... I don't see myself as depressed though as this is a way of life for me and all I know, to me thins is normal, to my husband though I'm messed up and need help (he means it in a caring way)
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Tortured_empath
Arcanist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 463
Thank you friend. I hope their conscience eats them up, but I really doubt it.
It's funny, when I was a kid, I was always taught that good things come to good people etc., that there was some kind of high moral justice watching over me.
I knew it wasn't true, and I was not free of sin by any means, but experiencing this kind of random injustice on my own body is something else...
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