Discussion What are your top reasons to ctb?

[RageQuit66]

Quite honestly I can't pin down my number 1 reason cause there are so many and each one I feel emotional and physical embedded with. If anything it's a tie between my back/knee problems and the fact that I'll have to work manual labor jobs for the rest of my life. I also don't see the point of getting older and while at best your able to tolerate the pain of living. I also have financial problems that'll bind me to becoming a slave to this system for the rest of my life or better yet become homeless, Yay! Also as some of you have stated it yourselves, you can't see the point if most of the time we'll be suffering with little compensation of dopamine rushing. There's more to my reasons as yours are too. Apologies if I sound prudish.

 

[Anarchy]

Top 3 reasons:
1. ignored by acquaintance
2. ignored by everyone else
3. nothing that would make me happy is attainable

 

[TimeToGoDude]

I've had a really hard life. My parents gave me up, my grandma couldn't take care of me anymore, plus she was always very critical of me. I'd tell my bio family how I would feel and they honestly just didn't care. I ended up moving in with a teacher who saw I was struggling in High School but she also recently kicked me out because they just couldn't take my emotions anymore. I've tried anti depressants, drugs, alcohol, absolutely anything I could. Nothing works... I only find peace in daydreaming about the final moments. About how I'm going to do it.

 

[RageQuit66]

Top 3 reasons:
1. ignored by acquaintance
2. ignored by everyone else
3. nothing that would make me happy is attainable

May I ask about the first 2? Do you care about what other people think or do? I mean I get it I used to but now I said fuck it a long time ago. I don't see the point in caring what others think about me. I figured if they don't want to be around me then I won't be around them. Better to avoid shitty people who shouldn't be on top of your problems. Fuck them. If there's more to the story and I'm sounding condescending correct me if I'm wrong. Apologies.
And the third I can totally relate to.

 

[SnowyDreams]

In order: I'm practically unemployable, I hate myself and everything that I am, I wasted my 20s, I can't study, I have chronic depression that hasn't improved with treatment, anxiety, compulsive behaviour regarding cleaning and bodily functions plus skin and hair picking, non existent social skills, a possible invasive yeast infection that doctors can't see, few friends I had drifted away, coping with recent loss to suicide, hate my country and can't move away, can't afford surgery that will improve my gender dysphoria. Idk what else

 

[Anarchy]

May I ask about the first 2? Do you care about what other people think or do? I mean I get it I used to but now I said fuck it a long time ago. I don't see the point in caring what others think about me. I figured if they don't want to be around me then I won't be around them. Better to avoid shitty people who shouldn't be on top of your problems. Fuck them. If there's more to the story and I'm sounding condescending correct me if I'm wrong. Apologies.
And the third I can totally relate to.

Yes, you may.
The acquaintance was the only person who I've ever loved. I would have died for them. I say acquaintance because they always ignored me as soon as anyone else came along. I worked with them in some lessons at school, but didn't see them apart from that. I can't help but think that they'd be in my life now if I had acted differently. I can't forget them.
They're the only person I ever genuinely cared about. I don't even really care about my own twin. I'm not close to my family at all so don't care about them.
I dislike most people and think that most people are fake, but I still care about what they do because their actions annoy me. It is painful to watch others socialise.
I generally dislike people so much that I take pleasure in the thought of hurting them.

 

[Anarchy]

May I ask about the first 2? Do you care about what other people think or do? I mean I get it I used to but now I said fuck it a long time ago. I don't see the point in caring what others think about me. I figured if they don't want to be around me then I won't be around them. Better to avoid shitty people who shouldn't be on top of your problems. Fuck them. If there's more to the story and I'm sounding condescending correct me if I'm wrong. Apologies.
And the third I can totally relate to.

Part of the reason I generally dislike people is because they ignore me. I'm near-mute so I'm practically invisible. The acquaintance was the only person who made an effort with me.
I was always the odd one out in school and never had anyone to work with for groups or to hang out with or anything. I ended up working on my own all the time. My family ignore me. Strangers ignore me. My classmates ignored me. Anyone who sees me ignores me, practically.

 

[CabbageCaptain]

A multitude of things, but mostly constant severe hypochondria that ruins any motivation to go out and do anything.

 

[Mayfil]

hate my appearance and skin, refuse to be a wage slave and i am sick of our horrid species and want no part of it anymore

 

[Bandzbandz]

All my problems I have caused to myself and I don't think I'll ever get over it. I don't feel guilty about myself or leaving anybody behind, they will get over it, it just is. I'd rather disappear than continue.

 

[Steve]

I made the bad mistake of taking benzos for two weeks. It threw me into 6 months of withdrawals. The last wave somehow damaged the part of my brain responsible of sexual function, so I'm now afflicted with something similar to PSSD from SSRIs. The episode has also left me jobless and stigmatized as mentally ill by my own family.

It's time to go I feel.

 

[Radaghast94]

Anxiety as it stops me from having friends and functioning. Anhedonia because it has taken almost all joy out of my life. Anger because i find my predicament unacceptable.

 

[Revan]

I look at my past and present and all I see is ahead of me is a dead end. (Pun intended).

 

[WrongWayGoBack]

I was going through a bad phase at work, and turned to alcohol and risky sex with ugly women. One of them decided she'd have my baby without telling me. Two months after said conception I was on the mend and had just started a relationship with a friend. Well needless to say that ended abruptly when I found out. I pleaded for the ugly troll to have an abortion but she is going through with it because she wants to pay off her mortgage with child support and I'm on the hook in a baby trap situation. It also turns out she lied about her age and she sees this as her last chance to propagate. I have principles- I can't be a draft dodger, but I also can't live like that. With no SMV, I re-evaluated my life, I quit my job that I wasn't happy with (even though I had worked so hard to get there). With decades of suppressed depression under my belt and in my mid-life with no career and the impending doom of the state coming after me for more money than I could ever afford, the prospect of CTB is now the shining light.

Now I just need to ensure that no soft tissue can be evaluated in post mortem because my life insurance won't pay out otherwise. I even had a will drawn up by a lawyer to set up a trust with the insurance money to pay for the kid's education, but I'll be damned if I ever let that troll get a dime for her actions. She can suffer working like a dog until she dies of exhaustion and I hope she loses er house and the kid can live with someone who is a better parent.

 

[Things2do1st&ThenCtb]

Re: 1 and 2: Truly beyond our control. It is okay to let go.

I've always had to take care of myself. If I can, I try to help others. Sometimes, they try to help me. Mostly, they can't understand much beyond themselves. On a certain level, I can understand that they don't know what they don't know. Now though, I am coming understand that my energy is finite. No one will take care of me in the end, so I have to plan on taking care of that myself; I can't leave it up to fate, or to other people.

Re: 3: This is where I am taking a little time. I am giving myself space to think about what would make me happy, that I can realistically pursue before CTB. Maybe spend a weekend listening to music? Maybe re-read a book that made me happy? (maybe a few Stephen King books!) Maybe re-watch a movie that made me happy? Maybe sit outside at night and stare into space until I fall asleep? Maybe enjoy sex with someone random? Maybe spend some time taking care of animals at a shelter? Maybe learn to make an amazing last meal, make it and really savor it? Maybe more than one meal? (Thai, Mexican, sushi, Italian, or middle-America-comfort food?)

I already have a few things in place for when I decide that I am done. It could be within a few weeks, or it could be a couple of years. October is my favorite month, by far, and so if not this October, then maybe I wait a year. I might only get one try at this.

There is zero chance of any person changing my mind at this point. (I'm in my 40's now, and I have been thinking along these lines since before I was 10 years old, with no fundamental changes in thinking. Maybe I was 7 or 8 when I was first thinking this way. I can picture it vividly, where I was, what I was wearing and what I had for lunch that day, but I can't pinpoint the exact age.)

Really, the only remaining question is like your number 3: Am I certain that there is nothing else I want to do? That is what I have left to work on.

Lots of people need me, in a technical sense, but I am running low. I feel that I have given above and beyond over the years, and I will do what I can to make the transition easy for them. Re: other people: It doesn't bother me that it is getting close for my time to leave.

Re: my cat. She is very old and not well. I have to stay at least as long as she does. She doesn't like her prescription food. A year ago, the vet said that she would probably only live another year or tow. So now I go fifty-fifty between the limited kind of food that's good for her and the foods that she likes, even though she barfs them up half of the time... she is just so happy in the moment that she's getting it; It's gross to clean up after, but it is what she wants, and I owe it to her. Some day, she won't enjoy it anymore. And then, I want her to go peacefully.

That's what I want for all of us, when our times come.

There are a lot of us, human and animal, in a similar position.

 

[Mr2004]

Number 1 is what I 've done. 14 years gone because of my failings to do something so simple that haunts me everyday. Number 2 is the year we're in. I don't feel I belong here at all. It's related to 1 really, what's fourteen years ago doesn't even seem four. Number 3 my worldview. Yeah it's easy to blame a lot of things but if I hadn't ruined my life I'd probably never have looked at the world like this but now I have I can't go back to blissful ignorance. I see very little good or point going on. I've wasted any and all potential. Honarouble mentions to the state of my brain and the looks which started it all which are only deteriorating. I think that's enough. There's a couple of reasons to go on but they can't hope to compete with the multitude of reasons not to

 

[Things2do1st&ThenCtb]

I was going through a bad phase at work, and turned to alcohol and risky sex with ugly women. One of them decided she'd have my baby without telling me. Two months after said conception I was on the mend and had just started a relationship with a friend. Well needless to say that ended abruptly when I found out. I pleaded for the ugly troll to have an abortion but she is going through with it because she wants to pay off her mortgage with child support and I'm on the hook in a baby trap situation.

Now I just need to ensure that no soft tissue can be evaluated in post mortem because my life insurance won't pay out otherwise. I even had a will drawn up by a lawyer to set up a trust with the insurance money to pay for the kid's education, but I'll be damned if I ever let that troll get a dime for her actions. She can suffer working like a dog until she dies of exhaustion and I hope she loses er house and the kid can live with someone who is a better parent.

Man, I'm sorry about that.

It's good that you're thinking of your kid's education. That is the same kind of thing that I would do, given your situation.

 

[WrongWayGoBack]

Man, I'm sorry about that.

It's good that you're thinking of your kid's education. That is the same kind of thing that I would do, given your situation.

Thanks buddy. Yeah, it's not like i didn't want a family, I just can't live with it being done this way. Nobody likes being trapped, and I was raised in a mildly abusive household with enough emotional scars to know that being raised in a family where the parents hate each other from the outset would cause nothing but damage. I was so angry (still am) but now relieved that for the next month I'm still in control of my immediate actions, and my plan will go ahead. It's hard to not listen to the biological barriers, false hopes etc. Really hard. But I'm stubborn, so it will happen.

 

[Things2do1st&ThenCtb]

This could be a stupid question, and I mean no harm, but I'm curious about your past --- This thinking isn't the result of the baby-trap situation --- When did you first wonder about leaving on your own terms?

 

[WrongWayGoBack]

This could be a stupid question, and I mean no harm, but I'm curious about your past --- This thinking isn't the result of the baby-trap situation --- When did you first wonder about leaving on your own terms?

Thanks for asking. I honestly can't remember the first time. Childhood. It is difficult to separate memories and actions. I do remember at age 16 or so standing at a cliff face trying to throw myself off but deciding that it wasn't a steep enough drop and the chances of survival as a quadriplegic or worse in permanent agony were too high.

You say you can picture what you were wearing and what you had for lunch the first time you thought about it. Do you remember what you thought of doing?

 

[Things2do1st&ThenCtb]

It is difficult to describe that moment.

I didn't have an action in mind. I couldn't have known, then.

It was a feeling. The relief of letting go.

I think it was close to this time of year. Just after summer, but not yet cold. I remember that I was wearing a light sweater. Navy blue.

I was by myself, at a school playground, after everyone else had gone inside.

I didn't want to go with them. I wanted to stay there for a while. And let go. I just wanted to let go, in that moment, leave everything behind.

I was alone in that moment. I felt safe. At peace. Happy.

I must have been either 7 or 8, because by 9, I wasn't at that school anymore.

 

[WrongWayGoBack]

It is difficult to describe that moment.

I didn't have an action in mind. I couldn't have known, then.

It was a feeling. The relief of letting go.

I think it was close to this time of year. Just after summer, but not yet cold. I remember that I was wearing a light sweater. Navy blue.

I was by myself, at a school playground, after everyone else had gone inside.

I didn't want to go with them. I wanted to stay there for a while. And let go. I just wanted to let go, in that moment, leave everything behind.

I was alone in that moment. I felt safe. At peace. Happy.

I must have been either 7 or 8, because by 9, I wasn' t at that school anymore.

Hmm. You've reminded me of something. At age 6 or so I just stayed in the playground after the bell rang one day. I didn't want to be a part of the class. I think I'd had enough. I guess the teacher asked one of the other students to come down and get me. When I stayed out she came down herself and was pretty pissed off about it.

The only things I remember about that era were really scratchy wool jumpers, sandals and bad haircuts. The haircuts never really got better.

I don't think I felt relief for letting go. I always felt punishment for not wanting to be part of the hierarchy. For me CTB is an escape I guess.

It's interesting that that feeling occurred to you then and has stayed with you for so long. Are/were you much of a social person?

 

[lastsummer]

Mental illness runs in whole family is my top reason to cbt. My heartache.

 

[Things2do1st&ThenCtb]

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one that's held this from an early age.

Social? No, never.

99.9% of people baffle me, and always have. I am an alien. And, I don't feel bad about that; I wouldn't be any other way if I could.

I've figured out how to get along, over the years. Sometimes it has been fun. Usually, it is okay. The rest of the time, it takes more energy than I have to give.

 

[Mljonzy]

i have have psychosis along with severe depression. Also have social anxiety which is the worst of everything for me it's fucking crippling makes me want blow my fucking brains out everytime i interact with anyone. I feel like in my family i got given every bad gene and trait but everyone else is normal i am disgusted by the hand i was dealt. You don't win a hand of poker with a high 4 when there are 8 others playing.

 

[Paulsmith]

Failure at things most of my life and depression

 

[why]

I'm tired of playing this sick game of life. I got dealt a losing hand, and I want to quit playing prematurely.

 

[Things2do1st&ThenCtb]

Leaving is a big decision, with a big impact on those who stay.

I will leave on my own terms, for sure.

In October 2020, or sooner. I want to leave in October, and I feel that 1 month isn't enough time, but that 2 years is too long!

I am trying to figure out what I want to to before I go.

I want to make things a little easier on others, within reason.

I want to enjoy a few things before I go.

And then, after that, I want to let go, and wish them the best.

 

[Things2do1st&ThenCtb]

I'm tired of playing this sick game of life. I got dealt a losing hand, and I want to quit playing prematurely.

I am with you.

It is exhausting.

 

[WrongWayGoBack]

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one that's held this from an early age.

Social? No, never.

99.9% of people baffle me, and always have. I am an alien. And, I don't feel bad about that; I wouldn't be any other way if I could.

I've figured out how to get along, over the years. Sometimes it has been fun. Usually, it is okay. The rest of the time, it takes more energy than I have to give.

I am much the same, but I've built up tools to deal with social situations. It is very draining.