1. Anhedonia and exhaustion. I have no motivation to do anything. I have severe depression and barely leave bed when having an episode. However, this still applies outside of episodes—I can go through the motions better, but I just do what's expected of my to avoid trouble (getting by in classes and work, bare minimum socializing, etc). I don't feel my own sense of will to do anything; if nothing is expected of me by others, I just drink and rot in bed. I'm generally so detached from life, unmotivated, unproductive, uninspired, anxious, lethargic. I've tried to fix this so many times, but I always ultimately end up back where I started, if not worse off.
2. Self-imposed isolation: I don't mind being alone day to day. I'm a bit socially anxious and pretty heavily avoidant. I like the idea of meaningful relationships, but am always so heavily adversed to the idea of socializing. I do have friends and family, but I don't feel close to anyone, and I feel incapable of doing so. I don't feel like a real person, so there's no one for the other party to truly know on an intimate level, if that makes sense. And I feel that in the long-term, a life spent alone is meaningless. Close friends, families, and lovers are what make life worth living, and I cannot fathom myself ever being able to cultivate those sort of relationships.
3. Realizing I'm wasting so many resources by putting off suicide and clinging on to the idea of things magically improving one day (when there is no reason to think that will be the case): people's time, money, my place at school and work, food, water, etc. I've always felt that I would kill myself at some point anyway, so it's selfish to keep putting it off
