Opened myself up to someone who pushed and pushed to come over to my place when I've been resisting because of the filthy untidy state as my depression has lately got on top of me. I warned him and warned him but he said it would be fine. Of course it wasn't. After half an hour he was so disgusted I had to drive him back to his place.
objectively my place is very messy and unclean presently. But it's not totally squalid. He is a neat freak who doesn't like animals (I have cats) who is wealthy and has his house professionally cleaned every week, something that's totally beyond my finances.
He ranted at me about how disgusting it was and "you need to get help" and "if you get your shit together maybe you won't be depressed anymore" as if that isn't something that's occurred to me. I kept begging him to stop and please be kind but he wouldn't and kept saying "You need to hear the brutal truth", without acknowledging that what I needed most in that moment was kindness not brutality, as I'm brutal enough on myself.
i got so distressed amd stressed as I begged him to stop I began punching my head with my fists, which I haven't done in ages. He didn't bat an eye and said I was being childish and pathetic.
He told me to fuck off and went inside. I was too woozy from the hitting to drive and had to call a friend who got an Uber and drove me home and then stayed for a while supporting me (I paid for her Ubers).
this has been a massive wake up call for me that I was getting too attached to this man and he can't and won't support me. He just rants at me when I'm in a very bad headspace thinking that what I need is "the brutal truth", when he doesn't even know me enough to know what that is.
He says he cares about me but doesn't match his words with actions. I can't even tell him when he behaves like that it exacerbates my suicidality because that just leads to more ranting without trying to listen to me or be kind.