Discussion What are the things that make you You that keep you here?

[molassesmorasses]

One thing that I tend to get hung up on when contemplating CTB is the little world inside my head that Is Me, in a way, that I've spent my whole life unwittingly cultivating and that would be eradicated upon CTB. All of the little things---favorite foods, favorite sounds, identifying characteristics that I carry with me and become a part of whoever I am wherever I go, etc.---that identify me and are associated with me, either in a broad aesthetic sense or a more literal sense, even though I don't feel I have a strong identity (and so maybe these little bits and pieces I attach to myself is me compensating for that perceived lack of self, but who knows). Sometimes grounding myself with little identifying qualities like these is nice for keeping hold on some form of "identity".

For example, I am:
- black coffee
- cicadas and moths (and insects/arthropods in general)
- lichen, moss, etc.
- rams and sheep
- wetlands, swamps, marshes
- jesters! love those guys
- sumac, yew trees, banyans, mangroves
- rusted metal is always a nice look
- certain video games (portal, portal 2, celeste, hollow knight, zelda, etc.)
- poetry
- black licorice! tiramisu!
- herons, nightjars, shoebill storks, vultures and condors
- lighthouses and lanterns
- lima beans, asparagus, rice!
- turmeric and soy sauce!
- all of my favorite genres of music and bands
- anthropology, theology, and history (notably before the 1900s, mostly way before i.e. pre-1400s;
western and northern europe, the levant, oceania, siberia, the americas)
- autumn air
- etc. etc. etc.

Sometimes I struggle to think of identifying things, but I've been collating these for awhile.

<3

 

[M0nolith]

It sounds like you find comfort and meaning in the unique qualities that make up your identity and the world you've created for yourself. Those little things, like favorite foods and sounds, give you a sense of grounding and help you hold onto a sense of self. It's important to remember that even though life can be difficult at times, there are still things worth living for, like the people we love, the experiences we have, and the things that bring us joy. I mean, even if life is total shit sometimes, maybe we can give the illusion that it isn't.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

i feel i dont have a personality or i dont know who i am. despite that i deeply hate myself, so i wouldnt say i worry about "me" or the things that make up who i am suddenly ceasing to be when im gone. i feel like my paranoia about being the only "real person" in the world living in a simulation or smthn kind of makes me relieved to think it'll be gone eventually. even though thinking about it it would make more sense for me to worry about me ceasing to exist if that really is the case, but thats not how i feel for some reason. it does make me feel a bit weird to know that all my memories and perspectives of the world will be gone. i cant really think of anything specific that id use to describe me, i think because i constantly find new things to obsess over and then lose interest in those things very easily/quickly, that may be a reason as to why i dont have a secure sense of identity. although some more constant things i can think of that i identify with would be bugs, the colour green, dead trees, cold weather, rain, petrichor, the wind, the smell of cigarettes, the feeling of an empty stomach, oversized/long sleeves, thats all i can think of right now. i guess i could think of specific things after all lol. im sure when i wake up tomorrow ill think of completely different things. i really like your idea of listing small identifying qualities, i might try and build a list of them for me to look back on when i really struggle to remember who i am. <3

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I wouldn't say that these things make me "me", but they're little things I very much enjoy:

• My cats.
• Coffee in the mornings.
• Late nights listening to music.
• A glass of Scotch and a cigarette (preferably in combination with the previous item)
• Reading.

Most of these things haven't been in my life constantly, and I can still function without them—I gave up coffee for a while in solidarity with my then partner after she had to stop drinking it due to health issues; I only adopted my first cat when I got my own place, and last year I spent some time alone after I lost my two cats in the span of a couple of months. Of course, I would miss none of these things if I were to die, because the dead have no needs or desires, but I'd rather stick around and enjoy them while I can.

 

[molassesmorasses]

i feel i dont have a personality or i dont know who i am. despite that i deeply hate myself, so i wouldnt say i worry about "me" or the things that make up who i am suddenly ceasing to be when im gone. i feel like my paranoia about being the only "real person" in the world living in a simulation or smthn kind of makes me relieved to think it'll be gone eventually. even though thinking about it it would make more sense for me to worry about me ceasing to exist if that really is the case, but thats not how i feel for some reason. it does make me feel a bit weird to know that all my memories and perspectives of the world will be gone. i cant really think of anything specific that id use to describe me, i think because i constantly find new things to obsess over and then lose interest in those things very easily/quickly, that may be a reason as to why i dont have a secure sense of identity. although some more constant things i can think of that i identify with would be bugs, the colour green, dead trees, cold weather, rain, petrichor, the wind, the smell of cigarettes, the feeling of an empty stomach, oversized/long sleeves, thats all i can think of right now. i guess i could think of specific things after all lol. im sure when i wake up tomorrow ill think of completely different things. i really like your idea of listing small identifying qualities, i might try and build a list of them for me to look back on when i really struggle to remember who i am. <3

mhm! we dont need to know Exactly what makes us "us"---i dont know who i am or have any sense of self, really, but by tallying a sum of what would be eradicated along with me, i.e. that little world in my head, i find that it keeps me here some times. we collect memories and perspectives and tentative attachments for our whole lives, and as someone who struggles with thinking everyone else is Real, A Person, And Experiencing Dimensions Of Existence That I Never Will while i am just a shaky outline of a person at best, these trivial things that make me something Maybe more than just static are the closest i can get to anchors.

sure, i frequently feel as if i have stolen these things, or that i came up with them in a fit while needing an identity, or that they were settled on arbitrarily, or what have you, but i thought of these things for a reason! and you thought of your things for a reason, too! i think this is part of why im obsessed with documenting things (endless google docs of my favorite words, favorite surnames and forenames, favorite misc. things, poetry, etc., and a daily journal)---written account of that world in my head means that maybe its real, at least as far as the written word can communicate, or at the least it has substance in those words. im glad you could come up with a list, though! and i find myself agreeing with much of your list---great taste. <3