Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
There are some, though I imagine they're few. One thing is developing resilience. Cynicism is good too to some degree. Being hyper independent. What else?
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LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,173
This is definitely one of your weirder questions. There are no benefits. Child abuse is one of the most pernicious, devastating things someone can experience.
Stuckinpast28
Drifter of life
- Jul 9, 2023
- 63
Really? There are no benefits, your personality, your trust in others, your self-wort all of that is completely shattered and you have to pick up the pieces and build yourself back. It's been 14 years since I was freed from this abuse and I'm still not even a little bit healed from that, it caused me to make a lot of mistakes, hurt people around me, and shun away people that wanted to love me and help me. TLDR It fucked my life and made me depressive enough that I tried to CTB twice
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
No one cares to hear your judgment.
There are benefits to every experience. Meeting a bad person shows you what to avoid in the future for instance.
Death is my goal
pathetic failure
- Aug 25, 2022
- 473
your question is dumb, there's no benefits.
OpalCheesecake
A little tired.
- Aug 15, 2023
- 17
As someone who was abused as a kid (parents aren't from America, so it comes with some shit), I'm sincerely trying to think of an answer and I sincerely cannot think of anything completely positive. It only comes with problems and is probably why I've been suicidal since teen years. But let me try anyway...
— When I was a kid, I couldn't make friends because my self-esteem was really low, so I guess maybe I've become more observant?
— I'm more likely/have a greater ability to file away my emotions (which, I guess, isn't a good thing).
— When I feel overwhelmed with sudden emotions, I shut them down and proceed to only think logically (which I think is dissociation. Also not a good thing, but my friend described it as a superpower once so :D!) Unfortunately, it works for both positive and negative emotions, so I find myself missing out on things I get really excited about. Not sure if this is because of abuse or because of neurodivergence, but your guess is as good as mine.
— I see "you're more perceptive to when people are upset! You notice signs about people that others don't!" floating around on the internet. But I mostly just think everyone is upset at me for everything.
I wish me being abused as a child came with superpowers, like some main character shit, but I think it mostly just sucks lol. I've genuinely thought about this question for a while because it really would be cool if there were positives, it'd make my day a little brighter.
(Edit: also this is all from my perspective. Definitely not trying to represent everyone who's been abused
)
— When I was a kid, I couldn't make friends because my self-esteem was really low, so I guess maybe I've become more observant?
— I'm more likely/have a greater ability to file away my emotions (which, I guess, isn't a good thing).
— When I feel overwhelmed with sudden emotions, I shut them down and proceed to only think logically (which I think is dissociation. Also not a good thing, but my friend described it as a superpower once so :D!) Unfortunately, it works for both positive and negative emotions, so I find myself missing out on things I get really excited about. Not sure if this is because of abuse or because of neurodivergence, but your guess is as good as mine.
— I see "you're more perceptive to when people are upset! You notice signs about people that others don't!" floating around on the internet. But I mostly just think everyone is upset at me for everything.
I wish me being abused as a child came with superpowers, like some main character shit, but I think it mostly just sucks lol. I've genuinely thought about this question for a while because it really would be cool if there were positives, it'd make my day a little brighter.
(Edit: also this is all from my perspective. Definitely not trying to represent everyone who's been abused
)
carac
"and if this is the end, i am glad i met you."
- May 27, 2023
- 1,085
Very sensitive subject so I think this sort of thing needs to be handled carefully. I havent suffered so I wouldn't even begin to know how anyone who has gone through this would feel. Myabe that is one of the benefits, that they will have a level of empathy toward other abuse victims that I could never possess, they may also be better placed to help other victims of abuse and also see the signs of abuse more clearly.
SpaceBoyEvangef
"Gonna get you like a space boy!"
- Aug 16, 2023
- 83
BurgundySnap
Sick of being sick
- Jul 19, 2023
- 76
Hello, Ambivalent1,
I can try to see where you are coming from with your post. However, as the consensus seems to be, there are no true benefits of having experienced childhood abuse. I was not going to reply to this at first, but seeing more responses has made me want to.
Now, I cannot offer anything to help prove your points. I can walk through them briefly, however.
All I can do is offer counters, following: Resiliency is formed differently from person to person. Healthy childhood resilience, in particular, is most often formed alongside positive relationships with parents or caregivers. The child goes through difficult tasks, and learns to overcome them positively.
To be broad and not generalize: In childhood abuse, the child is often forced to cope in ways that they may not be able to regulate, with whatever means they have available, which is many times not healthy. This may lead to behavio/urs later in life that someone who has themself been abused may see as resiliency, which in reality is a learned coping mechanism that is presented as something strong. An example I can think of is a strong front.
Cynicism is, similar to you say, a good trait. I would argue only in theory, however. Perhaps the word you are looking for is "realism"? Since realism is more of a balance of two mostly opposing types of thinking, where cynicism describes a negative, mainly hopeless line of thinking. I just cannot quite see how enduring something so horrible as any form of childhood abuse could form any cynicism or realism positively for a child, or the adult that child grows into. Even after the fact, if the child is able to work through this in a healthy setting.
And being hyper independent is an interesting point you make! Since hyper independency is a term used to mean someone who absolutely does not ask for help from others. I can try to understand this point, because an abused child may see that there is no one willing to help, so must be alone. However, this also leads to behavio/urs in life that can be self-destructive, like the inability to cooperate with peers and being unable to properly form or keep healthy relationships.
My point is, I think that abuse cannot truly benefit a child. At least, not in the way you may think, Ambivalent1. What may be initially presented as some benefit may have only been good in the moment as a coping mechanism. When an abused child forms healthy resilience, a realistic sense of the world, and independence, they do so in environments where they are allowed to grow and become better despite their abuse. Not because of, or as a direct result of. Those seemingly beneficial behavio/urs are often formed to cope with what they had endured, and help the child after the fact because what they may have learned or otherwise failed to be taught was harmful and unhealthy.
Thank you, take care, Ambivalent1
I can try to see where you are coming from with your post. However, as the consensus seems to be, there are no true benefits of having experienced childhood abuse. I was not going to reply to this at first, but seeing more responses has made me want to.
Now, I cannot offer anything to help prove your points. I can walk through them briefly, however.
All I can do is offer counters, following: Resiliency is formed differently from person to person. Healthy childhood resilience, in particular, is most often formed alongside positive relationships with parents or caregivers. The child goes through difficult tasks, and learns to overcome them positively.
To be broad and not generalize: In childhood abuse, the child is often forced to cope in ways that they may not be able to regulate, with whatever means they have available, which is many times not healthy. This may lead to behavio/urs later in life that someone who has themself been abused may see as resiliency, which in reality is a learned coping mechanism that is presented as something strong. An example I can think of is a strong front.
Cynicism is, similar to you say, a good trait. I would argue only in theory, however. Perhaps the word you are looking for is "realism"? Since realism is more of a balance of two mostly opposing types of thinking, where cynicism describes a negative, mainly hopeless line of thinking. I just cannot quite see how enduring something so horrible as any form of childhood abuse could form any cynicism or realism positively for a child, or the adult that child grows into. Even after the fact, if the child is able to work through this in a healthy setting.
And being hyper independent is an interesting point you make! Since hyper independency is a term used to mean someone who absolutely does not ask for help from others. I can try to understand this point, because an abused child may see that there is no one willing to help, so must be alone. However, this also leads to behavio/urs in life that can be self-destructive, like the inability to cooperate with peers and being unable to properly form or keep healthy relationships.
My point is, I think that abuse cannot truly benefit a child. At least, not in the way you may think, Ambivalent1. What may be initially presented as some benefit may have only been good in the moment as a coping mechanism. When an abused child forms healthy resilience, a realistic sense of the world, and independence, they do so in environments where they are allowed to grow and become better despite their abuse. Not because of, or as a direct result of. Those seemingly beneficial behavio/urs are often formed to cope with what they had endured, and help the child after the fact because what they may have learned or otherwise failed to be taught was harmful and unhealthy.
Thank you, take care, Ambivalent1
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
The ones I listed in my question are my superpowers. But the negatives in general are great.As someone who was abused as a kid (parents aren't from America, so it comes with some shit), I'm sincerely trying to think of an answer and I sincerely cannot think of anything completely positive. It only comes with problems and is probably why I've been suicidal since teen years. But let me try anyway...
— When I was a kid, I couldn't make friends because my self-esteem was really low, so I guess maybe I've become more observant?
— I'm more likely/have a greater ability to file away my emotions (which, I guess, isn't a good thing).
— When I feel overwhelmed with sudden emotions, I shut them down and proceed to only think logically (which I think is dissociation. Also not a good thing, but my friend described it as a superpower once so :D!) Unfortunately, it works for both positive and negative emotions, so I find myself missing out on things I get really excited about. Not sure if this is because of abuse or because of neurodivergence, but your guess is as good as mine.
— I see "you're more perceptive to when people are upset! You notice signs about people that others don't!" floating around on the internet. But I mostly just think everyone is upset at me for everything.
I wish me being abused as a child came with superpowers, like some main character shit, but I think it mostly just sucks lol. I've genuinely thought about this question for a while because it really would be cool if there were positives, it'd make my day a little brighter.
(Edit: also this is all from my perspective. Definitely not trying to represent everyone who's been abused
OpalCheesecake
A little tired.
- Aug 15, 2023
- 17
I understand that sometimes abuse in some places isn't abuse in other places. For example, because the environment my parents grew up in was harsh, their parents treated them harshly. They grew up to suit their culture. If they grew up without that "abuse" then they simply wouldn't have survived well. Hitting children is "normal" because that's the kind of discipline needed that their society was built off of. However, when the way parents treat their child in a way that's ill fitting for the environment they'll grow up in, there are no positives for the child.
Essentially what I'm saying is that what's trauma for people doesn't have to be negative to another. I'm glad you can see a positive side of it for yourself. That, to a degree, you believe your abusive upbringing helped you in some way or another in your current environment. At the very least, you can find a way to see some light in the way you are now even with your terrible past in mind.
I wish that I could have your disposition! Unfortunately, negatives are just negatives to me. I think your initial post could have been worded better as to avoid giving the impression of generalizing everyone else, but knowing you think these are positive traits specific to you feels like it'd have been seen in a better light.
StrawberryBlood
Strawberry Carnivore
- Jul 17, 2023
- 15
Abuse doesn't make you stronger. It can make you hollow and empty, which gives the appearance of strength, but it's a facade.
Maybe it gives you a tough shell, but it's an empty shell. A very empty shell.
Maybe it gives you a tough shell, but it's an empty shell. A very empty shell.
flesh object
Bread
- Feb 15, 2023
- 36
I don't believe there are any benefits.
When it comes to the concept of hyper-independency, it's important to recognize that its origins often lie in the environment individuals were raised in. There is a clear distinction between genuine independence and the tendency to become closed off due to one's upbringing. In my personal experience, I underwent various forms of abuse, which played a significant role in shaping my character. I cannot place trust in authority figures at all. As a result, This hyper-independency led me to sever connections with those in positions of authority and even intentionally pushing away those who were genuinely trying to offer assistance.
I have developed the idea that every person has too much potential to destroy my life or manipulate my emotions, this is hardly a positive trait as it is a form of self-preservation. It's essential to acknowledge that it can also hinder the formation of genuine and meaningful relationships. This perspective, while protective, can unintentionally isolate us from the others and the outside world.
However, it's important to acknowledge that while hyper-independency may provide a sense of protection and control in certain situations, it can also lead to unintended consequences. It might isolate individuals from potential sources of support, hinder personal growth, and limit opportunities.
When it comes to the concept of hyper-independency, it's important to recognize that its origins often lie in the environment individuals were raised in. There is a clear distinction between genuine independence and the tendency to become closed off due to one's upbringing. In my personal experience, I underwent various forms of abuse, which played a significant role in shaping my character. I cannot place trust in authority figures at all. As a result, This hyper-independency led me to sever connections with those in positions of authority and even intentionally pushing away those who were genuinely trying to offer assistance.
I have developed the idea that every person has too much potential to destroy my life or manipulate my emotions, this is hardly a positive trait as it is a form of self-preservation. It's essential to acknowledge that it can also hinder the formation of genuine and meaningful relationships. This perspective, while protective, can unintentionally isolate us from the others and the outside world.
However, it's important to acknowledge that while hyper-independency may provide a sense of protection and control in certain situations, it can also lead to unintended consequences. It might isolate individuals from potential sources of support, hinder personal growth, and limit opportunities.
This is a really shitty question to ask.
I am saying this as someone who was starved, beaten and verbally abused by their parents for their entire life. Threatened to have my heart removed with a knife by a sibling. Experienced physical violence from siblings. My entire extended family knew I was being abused and did nothing. No one intervened and I have been irreparably harmed, as I'm sure others here have. I lost 5 years of my life being completely dissociated from reality to survive the egregious abuse I went through.
Do better.
Or at least post your inconsiderate question in off-topic instead of unintentionally derailing the recovery of victims here. I don't give a single microscopic fuck if you think resilience and cynicism are superpowers to you.
Think long and hard about the type of person you want to be and how you want to impact vulnerable people in mental agony.
I am saying this as someone who was starved, beaten and verbally abused by their parents for their entire life. Threatened to have my heart removed with a knife by a sibling. Experienced physical violence from siblings. My entire extended family knew I was being abused and did nothing. No one intervened and I have been irreparably harmed, as I'm sure others here have. I lost 5 years of my life being completely dissociated from reality to survive the egregious abuse I went through.
Do better.
Or at least post your inconsiderate question in off-topic instead of unintentionally derailing the recovery of victims here. I don't give a single microscopic fuck if you think resilience and cynicism are superpowers to you.
Think long and hard about the type of person you want to be and how you want to impact vulnerable people in mental agony.
I don't think it makes you more resilient. This is just cope that people tell themselves. I think it makes people more mentally fragile if anything.
Obviously very bad stuff happened to you but you are seriously misdirecting your anger at the OP.
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
I'm in agony too for similar reasons. But I can detach myself from being a slave to it and realize it's healthier to view my situation with a little silver lining than none at all. I am BOTH stronger and weaker because of child abuse.
It's not a cope. Suffering is mental weightlifting. Even David Goggins knows this. look him up. He was abused and he transformed himself.
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I was very intentional about referring to the OP's behavior and not them as an individual, and I was very careful in how I worded my post. I knew as soon as I mentioned I am a child abuse survivor my response would be interpreted as anger.
I'm not angry. I'm sorry that's how it came across. I can only account for my intent and be mindful of my wording in the future.
This is not the sub forum to post this statement of fact about OP's interpretation of their own situation posed as a question. Literally any of the other sub forums would have been acceptable. Or OP could have taken longer to consider their word choice and how that might impact others.
It is incredibly disrespectful to recovering childhood abuse survivors and it can unintentionally derail someone's recovery. I don't think the op can see this and that's not their fault, but considering the degree of harm it can and likely has caused, I'm being firm.
Nothing I said was for the OP's benefit. I do not think they are open to a critical discussion about this topic. It was so victims lurking know who is safe and who is not.
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If suffering is mental weightlifting then why do people with PTSD and BPD end up CBTing at such higher rates?
Oh I guess David Goggins said it so it must be true. C'mon mate.
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
David Goggins said to Stay Hard. He's turned child abuse into masochism and it's led to great success.
Abuse is to resiliency as lifting way too heavy with improper form is to weightlifting. Doing too much does more harm than not doing enough and can screw you for life. Resiliency is formed when you're in an ideal stress range and overcome the stress. If someone is stressed for too long or if the stress is too great then that will do damage. People who are able to heal and build that strength do not obtain those things from the abuse- they put in work and effort to get it. Do not attribute to abuse what is the result of the person. They're strong because of themselves not because people hurt them over and over.
As a person who's been abused either verbally or physically by parents for most of my childhood, I would say that it helped me be more emotionally closed person, not really caring about what others do to me, also I think I grew up faster than others because of that.
_Alfarooq_
Useless bastard almost making the decision to CTB.
- Jul 24, 2023
- 291
I can only think of ONE benefit...
And that's having the emotional audacity to abandon this family forever and write a CTB letter saying "I abandoned you all." without feeling any guilt, because I have a good reason to abandon them.
Interesting question. And I think it's worthwile to discuss it, if you feel like you don't like it, just don't read in this thread.
My personal experience is that nowadays (almost 20 years after the abuse ended) I can see some good things that came from it:
1. I'm not scared of many things. I have done lots of things many people (especially women) wouldn't dare to do (like hitchhiking and travelling around the world by myself), because I always ask myself, if the worst that can happen to me in a certain situation will be worse than what I had survived in my childhood. The answer is no in most cases, so this gives me freeedom to try lots of different things in life.
2. I usually stay very calm when I end up in a potentially dangerous situation (at least when the danger is other humans), I don't get overwhelmd by fear. This helps me to deal with these situations efficiently.
3. As I was confronted with the possibility of death in my teens, in adulthood I've never taken it for granted to be alive. Therefore I have a strong drive to live my dreams and do stuff, instead of postponing it until I am too old to do it.
4. I'd also say I'm quite resilient in the way that I am typically not completely shattered by "normal" setbacks in life (like having trouble finding a job, a boy-friend leaving me or similar stuff), because even if I feel absolutely horrible (and might consider ctb), I still function in every day life as in my teenage years it was really important to not break down completely as it would have made my situation so much worse. Plus the knowledge that despite feeling completely shattered by the bad experiences in my teenage years for some time afterwards, I eventually learned to deal with it, gives me some hope that overcoming traumatic experiences is possible. Although I really hope I will never get into a situation where i will need this knowledge ever again.
BUT: All these positive aspects only surfaced, because parallel to the abuse I also had quite a few good things in my childhood like doing well in school, being allowed to do sports, some good friends I had and the many books I read. And I was also very lucky later in life, especially with meeting people who were/are really loving and caring and therefore enaibled me to (re)build (to a certain extent) my trust in humans. So I think in order to actually see some advantages in surviving abuse it is necessary to have positive interpersonal experiences at the same time and/or later in life, so you can heal (at least to a certain extent) from the damage that has been done.
Of couse, someone with a pessimistic point of view can also argue, that in reality my lifestyle (like not being married or even living together with my long-term boyfriend, not having children, just working for a few years and then running away again for travel or outdoorsy stuff) is proof that the abuse destroyed me, because obviously I'm not suited to the normal life that society expects of me. Or one might also argue that the mere fact that I'm on this forum and have suicidal thoughts from time to time proves that I'm forever shattered. And I wouldn't even disagree, I just look at it from a different perspective. I prefer to focus on the positives and not dwell so much on what the abuse destroyed in my life.
My personal experience is that nowadays (almost 20 years after the abuse ended) I can see some good things that came from it:
1. I'm not scared of many things. I have done lots of things many people (especially women) wouldn't dare to do (like hitchhiking and travelling around the world by myself), because I always ask myself, if the worst that can happen to me in a certain situation will be worse than what I had survived in my childhood. The answer is no in most cases, so this gives me freeedom to try lots of different things in life.
2. I usually stay very calm when I end up in a potentially dangerous situation (at least when the danger is other humans), I don't get overwhelmd by fear. This helps me to deal with these situations efficiently.
3. As I was confronted with the possibility of death in my teens, in adulthood I've never taken it for granted to be alive. Therefore I have a strong drive to live my dreams and do stuff, instead of postponing it until I am too old to do it.
4. I'd also say I'm quite resilient in the way that I am typically not completely shattered by "normal" setbacks in life (like having trouble finding a job, a boy-friend leaving me or similar stuff), because even if I feel absolutely horrible (and might consider ctb), I still function in every day life as in my teenage years it was really important to not break down completely as it would have made my situation so much worse. Plus the knowledge that despite feeling completely shattered by the bad experiences in my teenage years for some time afterwards, I eventually learned to deal with it, gives me some hope that overcoming traumatic experiences is possible. Although I really hope I will never get into a situation where i will need this knowledge ever again.
BUT: All these positive aspects only surfaced, because parallel to the abuse I also had quite a few good things in my childhood like doing well in school, being allowed to do sports, some good friends I had and the many books I read. And I was also very lucky later in life, especially with meeting people who were/are really loving and caring and therefore enaibled me to (re)build (to a certain extent) my trust in humans. So I think in order to actually see some advantages in surviving abuse it is necessary to have positive interpersonal experiences at the same time and/or later in life, so you can heal (at least to a certain extent) from the damage that has been done.
Of couse, someone with a pessimistic point of view can also argue, that in reality my lifestyle (like not being married or even living together with my long-term boyfriend, not having children, just working for a few years and then running away again for travel or outdoorsy stuff) is proof that the abuse destroyed me, because obviously I'm not suited to the normal life that society expects of me. Or one might also argue that the mere fact that I'm on this forum and have suicidal thoughts from time to time proves that I'm forever shattered. And I wouldn't even disagree, I just look at it from a different perspective. I prefer to focus on the positives and not dwell so much on what the abuse destroyed in my life.
Torrinedw
Member
- Jun 1, 2023
- 6
for me, it is the fact that i dont trust people easily and i dont "get hurt" easily, for example when i was in a realtionship and my bf cheated on me and broke up with me, i didnt feel anything, even tho i was "supposed to" feel sad or angry. im not sure if it is actually a good thing but i mostly use it for my benefit.
parader
bpd cursed
- Apr 15, 2023
- 112
i do believe people can get better after every experience
the difference is that in some you get better because of them, and in others you get better in spite of them
child abuse is on the second category, there are no benefits
the silver lining is realizing that this abuse is not a stepping stone to get better, but that there are other ways up
but that's just my little silly opinion
the difference is that in some you get better because of them, and in others you get better in spite of them
child abuse is on the second category, there are no benefits
the silver lining is realizing that this abuse is not a stepping stone to get better, but that there are other ways up
but that's just my little silly opinion
zurukunai
Member
- Sep 23, 2022
- 61
i am a victim of child abuse and these are my thoughts
hypervigilance can make you very sharp. on the other hand, it can make you see patterns that aren't there and see danger and malice where there is none.
you become very skilled at dealing with difficult people.
it becomes harder for people to really hurt you, because you are used to it.
but these benefits will never justify the outcomes. they are silver linings. they are not diamonds in the rough and trial by fire is no way to raise a child that will be a good person.
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
Spartan children were abused and became great warriors. Hypervigilance is good but stressful.
Stuckinpast28
Drifter of life
- Jul 9, 2023
- 63
Except I didn't meet that person I was born from her. It's not like it was my mistake to be in her life.
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
Same concept applies. Now you know what a bad person looks like thoroughly. You know they can seem charming when they want to be, etc. You are prepared in a way many people are not. Life is a war and you have a shield.
Stuckinpast28
Drifter of life
- Jul 9, 2023
- 63
I would argue that it causes the opposite. When you are abused since birth the only thing that you see is pain and suffering. You end up thinking that everyone is trying to take advantage of you or hurt you one way or another. Yes, they act differently than your abuser which just makes it worse because you start to become paranoid, you become afraid that they are just playing nice to hurt you, etc.
