What are some good ways to punish yourself when you've done something bad?

[sancta-simplicitas]

I am not interested in self-mutilation or any of those things, more like how a parent would punish a child.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Why? What do you want to accomplish with the punishment? I'm generally restrictive with punishments, but I think it very much depends on your incentives.

 

[Namelesa]

Some traditional punishments that I can think of that parents would give to a child are:

• stand in the corner and look at the wall for a few minutes (or other location where you can't do much)
• restrict yourself from doing certain activities or accessing objects/food/other things you enjoy for some amount of time (dessert, computer, , etc)

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Why? What do you want to accomplish with the punishment? I'm generally restrictive with punishments, but I think it very much depends on your incentives.

I am having this feeling that I need to balance my moral failure, hard to explain.

Some traditional punishments that I can think of that parents would give to a child are:

• stand in the corner and look at the wall for a few minutes (or other location where you can't do much)
• restrict yourself from doing certain activities or accessing objects/food/other things you enjoy for some amount of time (dessert, computer, , etc)

Restriction is a good one, thank you

 

[Hvergelmir]

balance my moral

Maybe you can make up for it, by doing something productive or helpful?

Suffering doesn't make up for anything. That's why I'm hesitant to accept the idea of punishment. If I've understood the science correctly, traditional punishment is only effective if harsh and administered immediately.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Maybe you can make up for it, by doing something productive or helpful?

Suffering doesn't make up for anything. That's why I'm hesitant to accept the idea of punishment. If I've understood the science correctly, traditional punishment is only effective if harsh and administered immediately.

My idea was to do those things too, sort of pairing punishment with doing good, but I really feel like I need to be in pain right now.

 

[Hvergelmir]

I really feel like I need to be in pain right now

My interpretation is that you want a distraction to comfort yourself. If you want to change, just accept the feeling and try to make it a catalyst for change.
Do reevaluate if the feelings really are warranted, though. I have no idea what you've done, or what you need to change.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

My interpretation is that you want a distraction to comfort yourself. If you want to change, just accept the feeling and try to make it a catalyst for change.
Do reevaluate if the feelings really are warranted, though. I have no idea what you've done, or what you need to change.

This isn't about self-comforting, it feels like everyone and his aunt are trying to get me to show self-compassion and forgive myself. It just doesn't feel appropriate. I can take steps to change and I have done so, but I feel like I should be punishing myself too. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You do realize that you don't need to punish yourself for doing something bad, right? I feel like reflecting on your actions and working towards trying not to do that again should be enough.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

You do realize that you don't need to punish yourself for doing something bad, right? I feel like reflecting on your actions and working towards trying not to do that again should be enough.

The reflection and the steps I've taken just doesn't feel enough. It feels like I'm being too easy on myself.

 

[Hvergelmir]

everyone and his aunt are trying to get me to show self-compassion and forgive myself.

What if they're right?

As a side note I used to engage in quite a bit of self harm, but somehow suddenly realized the futility of it all.
Nowadays the closest thing I got is hard work. It's both punishing and productive. For me that means doing professional work, chores, or taking the dog for an extra long run regardless of weather. It makes me feel less useless, while also making me less useless.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

What if they're right?

As a side note I used to engage in quite a bit of self harm, but somehow suddenly realized the futility of it all.
Nowadays the closest thing I got is hard work. It's both punishing and productive. For me that means doing professional work, chores, or taking the dog for an extra long run regardless of weather. It makes me feel less useless, while also making me less useless.

That's an interesting approach, thank you. I guess my apartment could use a good deep cleaning. Even though it feels a little too mild ngl.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The reflection and the steps I've taken just doesn't feel enough. It feels like I'm being too easy on myself.

It's fine to be a bit easy on yourself. Sometimes you have to be a bit easy on yourself in order to do better. Holding yourself responsible for your bad actions isn't about punishing yourself, it's about acknowledging the full extent of the bad thing you've done and trying to do better. Punishing yourself isn't going to do anything. What's done is done and all you can do now is move on and try to do better.

 

[Languish]

Punish myself when I do something bad? That won't undo what was bad. All I can do is try to balance the scales by doing something good after.

I think of every good thing I do as additive of one, and every bad thing as multiplicative of 0. If I do 10 good things, I am 10 points in the positive. If I do one bad thing, none of the good I did justifies it. I drop down to zero. Any bad I do in a row is subtractive by 5. This pressures me to do much more good than bad, to stay in a net positive. One act of bad means there is much good I need do in order to balance the scales and make up for my wrong.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Punish myself when I do something bad? That won't undo what was bad. All I can do is try to balance the scales by doing something good after.

I think of every good thing I do as additive of one, and every bad thing as multiplicative of 0. If I do 10 good things, I am 10 points in the positive. If I do one bad thing, none of the good I did justifies it. I drop down to zero. Any bad I do in a row is subtractive by 5. This pressures me to do much more good than bad, to stay in a net positive. One act of bad means there is much good I need do in order to balance the scales and make up for my wrong.

I really like how you are resonating. Feeling like I've dropped down to zero is very spot on. I guess I am thinking that punishing me would be a good thing, since I did bad it means I am bad and I need to face the consequences of my actions. I've considered donating a hefty amount of money to some kind of charity project. That would be good and it would also hurt me.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I have decided that I'm not going to be allowed to sleep with a blanket for a week, maybe more depending on how it feels. From tomorrow i will also not be allowed to use my phone for a week. That may not sound too bad but one of the few ways I can relax is taking a walk and listening to music and I won't be able to without my phone. I will make a hefty donation to an organization that supports autistic women, I am not yet sure what an appropriate sum is. Deep cleaning I am not so sure about yet because having a clean home would make me feel good and I don't want that.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you harmed someone, wouldn't it be better to try to atone to them for the harm!

These kinds of feelings you're feeling are punishment.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

If you harmed someone, wouldn't it be better to try to atone to them for the harm!

These kinds of feelings you're feeling are punishment.

I have done everything they asked for and I have come up with additional things that I will do. It just doesn't feel enough.

 

[LunarEc]

Was that something bad done to someone or yourself? How severe is it? I don't understand why would you punish yourself even if whatever you did is considered "bad," it just doesn't make sense to hurt yourself unless you are choosing to die at that moment.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Was that something bad done to someone or yourself? How severe is it? I don't understand why would you punish yourself even if whatever you did is considered "bad," it just doesn't make sense to hurt yourself unless you are choosing to die at that moment.

Someone else. It's hard for me to tell how severe it is because I'm not used to hurting people. The friends + professional I have talked to says my guilt is disproportionate to the situation but it does not help.

 

[LunarEc]

Someone else. It's hard for me to tell how severe it is because I'm not used to hurting people. The friends + professional I have talked to says my guilt is disproportionate to the situation but it does not help.

If it already happened then leave it be. I don't got much advice, but whenever I do something "bad" to someone else, they forget it and so do I. The severity of the event may matter, but since it's not a regular thing for you then I'm pretty sure whatever happened isn't severe enough to have caused much damage physically or emotionally on whom ever was that person. If it makes you feel better or relieved, apologize to that person? People tend to forget things and feel better when they're given an apology. Hurting and punishing yourself wouldn't do anything to relieve that feeling of guilt and remorse. Whatever you do to cope with certain thoughts may help you better. I cut lines on my hand whenever I get too numb, it gives me some feelings, but does it really help long term? Not really, I think my coping methods (warm shower, music, walking, and sleeping) help me much better than cutting myself up.

 

[Namelesa]

Btw I totally understand about this mindset you have. I often feel intense amounts of guilt if I have done anything wrong even if its a little thing. Same thing with Languish I feel like if I do anything wrong, it will equal the amount of good I have done even if I did a lot of good things. I feel like my worth is based on how much I can provide to others and so if I do something wrong that lowers my worth.

I feel like I need to continue to hate and punish myself for what I have done so I am more incentivised to not do it again.

I think I can have quite a strong an "eye for an eye" philosophy so if I do something wrong, I feel like I deserve punishment for justice sakes. I often punish myself with self harm and while it helps me in the short term, the guilt most of the time can come back (tho in my instance I don't regret self harm as I am fine with scars) I have be able to talk with others here about what I feel guilty for and they understand and gave me comfort about it which has helped more with my feelings of guilt.

I hope you are able to escape your guilt one way or another.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

If it already happened then leave it be. I don't got much advice, but whenever I do something "bad" to someone else, they forget it and so do I. The severity of the event may matter, but since it's not a regular thing for you then I'm pretty sure whatever happened isn't severe enough to have caused much damage physically or emotionally on whom ever was that person. If it makes you feel better or relieved, apologize to that person? People tend to forget things and feel better when they're given an apology. Hurting and punishing yourself wouldn't do anything to relieve that feeling of guilt and remorse. Whatever you do to cope with certain thoughts may help you better. I cut lines on my hand whenever I get too numb, it gives me some feelings, but does it really help long term? Not really, I think my coping methods (warm shower, music, walking, and sleeping) help me much better than cutting myself up.

I have apologized and they responded with apologizing back so I assume they accepted it. I'm not looking to relieve the guilt because I deserve it. I'm glad you have come to feel that your coping methods help better than cutting.

 

[Aergia]

I have done everything they asked for and I have come up with additional things that I will do. It just doesn't feel enough

Is there perhaps a better way to deal with those feelings than to gratify them by hurting yourself?

I guess I am thinking that punishing me would be a good thing, since I did bad it means I am bad and I need to face the consequences of my actions.

I would argue it is a bad thing, because it creates more pain. Its only material impact would be negative, in that sense, in contrast to something like donating to charity (as you mentioned), which has a positive impact (though I would add not to give more than you can afford).

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Is there perhaps a better way to deal with those feelings than to gratify them by hurting yourself?


I would argue it is a bad thing, because it creates more pain. Its only material impact would be negative, in that sense, in contrast to something like donating to charity (as you mentioned), which has a positive impact (though I would add not to give more than you can afford).

I don't really see why it would be a bad thing since the pain would be mine. Because it doesn't help others?

 

[Aergia]

I don't really see why it would be a bad thing since the pain would be mine.

I mean "bad" less in a moral sense and and more in a consequential one. Pain is bad, and you would be causing pain to yourself (in a way that doesn't help you on net).

 

[Hvergelmir]

I don't really see why it would be a bad thing since the pain would be mine.

By not sleeping with a blanket, you're likely to have worse sleep. It's not very harmful, but you're likely to be less focused and more irritable - a worse friend.

Really, don't be too hard on yourself - you've heard that before. But if you're going to be hard on yourself, at least use it to become better, not worse.
The better off you are, the more capable you'll be to make a good impact.

 

[birthdaylastwish]

Maybe you shouldn't punish your self as punishment.

You would have to deal with the feeling of not feeling pain for your mistakes, and carry that weight

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Slept with no blanket, woke up at 2 am shivering. Sucked it up for an hour or so but then it started hurting (my window next to the bed doesn't close properly) and I instinctly reached for a blanket. I had removed my weighted blanket from my bed but the wool blanket my cat likes to sleep on was still there. I feel like a massive failure.

I have not been allowed phone and music today.

The donation is what's going to hurt the most and I'm mortified at the idea. I will push through. I must.

I feel as if I'm overall too comfortable right now and it doesn't feel okay. Trying to figure out something else I can do. I've considered restricting access to friends.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I made the donation to an organization called Autism Self Advocacy Network. It hurts like hell.