OcularFear
The only way I win is if I die.
- Jan 16, 2024
- 24
The resources I have at my disposal are very limited. At the most I could go to a department store but its high risk in my current situation. I live with my parents so I can't order anything online because they already know I'm suicidal and they usually open my packages when they come in the mail. I have about 2 months to CTB before I'll be forced to continue living. Ive got one shot at this, so I want anyone opinions on what is the most consistent reliable way to get the job done.
I'm already beyond saving at this point, for the past 3-4 years I've had horrific shadowy visions of eyes staring into mine, hands reaching to pull my eyes out, and to make it all worse I've been having to deal with someone speaking in my mind to me. I think sometimes he actually takes control of my body, I only think that because I have strange gaps in my memory, like I suddenly fall asleep and wake up somewhere else doing something else that I don't even remember starting. Sometimes when I'm alone all I feel like doing is laughing until, well, I don't know.
I'm afraid that one of these times I have another gap in my memory that "he" the guy who lives and festers in my mind, will hurt people I care about. I'd rather myself die, than to let my body be used to harm the people I sacrificed everything for just to see them smile.
Id rather they have to be sad about my death, than for me to have to be sad that what's supposed to be mine, what's supposed to be MY BODY, hurt them.
For the past few years it's been hard to look people in the eyes, every time I do, I get vivid visions of me, digging my fingers into their eyes, bashing their face in, stabbing their eyes with my knife. I don't know why, but people's eyes just make me so angry inside. It's even worse when I know they are looking at me.
I just need to die, I want to die, I just don't know how to die correctly.
I'm already beyond saving at this point, for the past 3-4 years I've had horrific shadowy visions of eyes staring into mine, hands reaching to pull my eyes out, and to make it all worse I've been having to deal with someone speaking in my mind to me. I think sometimes he actually takes control of my body, I only think that because I have strange gaps in my memory, like I suddenly fall asleep and wake up somewhere else doing something else that I don't even remember starting. Sometimes when I'm alone all I feel like doing is laughing until, well, I don't know.
I'm afraid that one of these times I have another gap in my memory that "he" the guy who lives and festers in my mind, will hurt people I care about. I'd rather myself die, than to let my body be used to harm the people I sacrificed everything for just to see them smile.
Id rather they have to be sad about my death, than for me to have to be sad that what's supposed to be mine, what's supposed to be MY BODY, hurt them.
For the past few years it's been hard to look people in the eyes, every time I do, I get vivid visions of me, digging my fingers into their eyes, bashing their face in, stabbing their eyes with my knife. I don't know why, but people's eyes just make me so angry inside. It's even worse when I know they are looking at me.
I just need to die, I want to die, I just don't know how to die correctly.
