Discussion Were you suicidal as a child?

[darksouls]

as a child I always thought that I had been switched with another baby at birth and that my real family would come and take me home someday
but they never came
I first had suicidal thoughts when I was about 14

 

[deep-sleeper]

I have been since middle school

 

[Eriktf]

yes not sure what age it started but before i turned 10 for sure
i remember holding a knife and thinking i could cut my arms and die
also heaving some memories of having a plastic bag around my head
remember joking about hanging myself, learned the hangmans noose in my teens
but i never tried anything before i was 19

 

[repeat.]

I started having suicidal thoughts back in primary school, when I was about 8 years old. I kept thinking I wasn't good enough, that the world would be a much better place without me. I began cutting and burning myself around the age of 10, and the wish to die has never really left me

 

[barelyholdingon]

Same here, about 5 years old for me when I started pondering my death and causing it myself

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

I was 10 and I jumped off a building, I just sprained my legs ...

 

[katara]

No. I was an anxious kid though due to SA. I was also depressed due to family mistreatment at the time. I started becoming severely depressed and suicidal at age 19 and continued to be so since then.

This makes me sad to hear bc you are one of my favorite accounts on here.

 

[nuva]

I distinctly remember when I was 6 y.o,I trying to strangle myself with a scarf because I was hysterical. I don't know where it came from, and I'll never know if I really wanted to end it, because my mom stopped me before anything could happen. But I do remember that later, when I was 8, I would have thoughts about disappearing or dying when I was facing some kind of problems or negative emotions. I only remember those two moments well.I guess later these thoughts just disappeared and came back at random times.
I still don't know where these thoughts and ideas came from, but I don't even try to figure it out, I don't trust my memory

 

[divinemistress36]

Once I started having a period at like 13 years old is when the depression started. Damn puberty

 

[chasingsarcasm]

When I was little I didn't know you could kill yourself. The concept wasn't something I had thought of. But for some reason when I was around 6 or 7 I heard the word "suicide" and I asked what it meant. It was like a gate opened for me when my mom told me. Like I just *knew* that was how I was meant to go out. I wasn't actively suicidal until I was a little older I was just fascinated with the idea. Around 9 or 10 is when I started getting depressed. Middle school is when I started getting suicidal but I never attempted until I was an adult.

 

[starinthesky]

Unexplainable sadness / somberness was always there. I always thought as a kid we live too long. Proper suicidal ideation started at around 11 for me

 

[aya miyanaga]

I started using a fruit knife to self harm when I was 12 years old, and in the end, I wanted to jump off buildings and abuse drugs many times. It was just because I was too sad and in pain, only pain could take me away……

 

[leloyon]

I don't have much memory of my childhood - my memory has always been terrible, coupled with a mixture of trauma, dissociation and living as a NEET so thus a lack of anything noteworthy during those times.

That being said, I have a specific memory of me writing a suicide note when I was a child. I do not know exactly what age I was, however I moved out of the house I was living in at that time when I was ten years old, so it must have been prior to that age. I recall my mental health worsening at ten, as well, including suicidal ideation. So, while I cannot pinpoint an exact age, I am aware that I have been suicidal and depressed since I was a child, with ten years old being the exact age where my mental state began noticeably going downhill.

And I mention depression, for even separated from suicidal ideation, I still recall suffering from it, even if I couldn't identify it at the time. Specifically due to child neglect, at least prior to ten years old.

 

[femcelloser]

I was abused as a kid so like, ya lol I remember thinking about stabbing myself in the neck with kitchen knives while mom was beating the fuck out of me haha

 

[lawlietsph]

my first suicidal thoughts came when I was 13, however i've had many weird feelings before, around the age of 7-9.
i've just felt weird about living, about having to do tasks, basically just existing. i never understood why do i have to exist

I was abused as a kid so like, ya lol I remember thinking about stabbing myself in the neck with kitchen knives while mom was beating the fuck out of me haha

wow this just unlocked a memory... i used to do the same, grabbed the biggest kitchen knife and put it to my belly and pushing the knife until it started to hurt a little bit, but I was never bleeding or anything.. it just felt good after my mother beat me or told something horrible to me
uh I didn't even remember this until I read your comment

 

[compulsoryaliveness]

I wrote my first suicide letter at 8 years old. I remember specifically being told about suicide by a girl at school, her mother had killed herself. And I was so excited that you could do that. Rushed home to write my note and start my plan.

That said, ive been told by my siblings that I witnessed my mother trying to jump out of a window when I was 4, and that she also left us a video on her video recorder that I watched around 6. I don't remember this though.

Honestly, it was so exciting and hopeful at 8 years old. So exciting to know I didn't have to keep surviving any more. Less exciting now.

 

[logen9inefingers]

i had my first suicidal thoughts when i was around 14. i was bullied horribly in school, it was so humiliating and it destroyed my self-esteem and any self- respect i had at that age. i couldn't do it because i was just a little kid. now at the age of 20, things have only gotten worse and i can't imagine anything could get any worse now.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Been suicidal since 13, but often had a lingering feeling that I'm not supposed to be here.

 

[bankai]

No I wasn't. Started happening only after I became an adult. Which is really, really strange considering I suffered a lot more as a kid than I do as an adult.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I've not been suicidal for most of my life. Only a big failure in life made me suicidal a few years ago.

 

[guestguest360]

Yes. I started to feel suicidal at age 12. It's been over a decade and the thoughts have never gone away. They've only become more intense

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, by 10, 3 close family members were dead, including my Mum and I was being bullied daily by a (suspected) narcissist. I even remember the moment I sat on my bed, looking out the window and, the thought popped in- I want to die to escape this.

I tend to wonder if anyone who experiences ideation in their childhood ever really shakes it. A bit like that amazing line in 'The Matrix': It's like a 'splinter in your mind.'

 

[dead dav]

I imagined what dying would be like from about 13 yo I saw it as an escape from my bullys and undiagnosed anxiety I attempted at 14 with a belt from my wardrobe pole it snapped and I hurt myself