Discussion Were you beaten by your parents as a child? What is the aftermath, how did you cope and would you hit your children?

[http-410]

I just watched a video about this topic and am a bit shocked that some people in this video who have been beaten by their parents downplay the issue like "A light slap never hurt anyone". Some also claimed that it even did them good or didn't bother them. (Maybe this is a psychological protective function? idk)

Did it have an impact on you? If so, how? If it was a traumatic experience for you, how were you able to cope?

Would you hit your children if you had any?

 

[WornOutLife]

I've probably only been hit 3 or 4 times and I really deserve it but I barely feel pain. I just made my parents get really angry at me. I remember they felt so sad for having "hit me" that they bought me some presents and they said they were sorry but I should behave myself.

I think I was lucky not to have parents who were violent with me 24/7, I would probably feel like the people on the video you watched.

Anyway, if I ever have children, I will never hit them. I might yell at them but using physical violence? No way.

 

[highndry]

yes, quite often. they used to break wooden spoons on us, and then we'd have to replace them out of pocket money we earned by doing chores.

I'd say it hasn't really affected me, but I do have a personality disorder

I dknt have children, and wouldn't be likely even if I wasn't going to CTB soo but no, I'd never hit them

 

[Grav]

I was hit a lot, usually with a switch but hand and anything handy. I'm sure it had an impact on me, but I don't think to the extent that modern society would say. As for my kid, she got one spank and that was for sticking her finger in an outlet (we had been over that). It was a tap on her diaper butt and more symbolic than to inflict any pain and to reinforce not to touch them. Other than that, no. Now that's not to say she hadn't "thought" I was going to come down like a ton of bricks but I know I wasn't going to, and those times could be counted with 3 fingers. Having to be on her case stopped pretty early and she is a good kid so no need. I was hit more out of anger, frustration (with me and other stuff), and some good football related brain trauma.

 

[262653]

Aftermath? How can I know if any math in particular was affected by childhood beatings specifically? I know for certain that I had no qualms against beating others. I'd probably still do it if not for the fear of consequences and the diffidence in my current fighting skills.

Cope was to beat people (real and imaginary), beat objects, and playing violent video games. At a time I was particularly enjoyed hitting the wall until my knuckles turn red. Looking at them gave me a boost of confidence, especially in public places.

It is unlikely that I'm going to ever have babies, so there is really no opportunity to find that out.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Did it have an impact on you? If so, how? If it was a traumatic experience for you, how were you able to cope?

Would you hit your children if you had any?

yes for both. however i havent really been able to cope and i have so many problems they come and go like a merry go round. although the last day she hit me was the day i hit her back with the deadest look in my eyes. the look on her face basically said "you didnt" and mine said "fuck off" she never hit me after that day, and i never let people step on me since. violence isnt always the answer but sometimes its your only choice.

i would never hit my child. of course i will never have one because im too scared of becoming like her unintentionally. sometimes whats right isnt always what we want.

Cope was to beat people (real and imaginary), beat objects, and playing violent video games. At a time I was particularly enjoyed hitting the wall until my knuckles turn red. Looking at them gave me a boost of confidence, especially in public places.

thats what i would do with a punching bag until my knuckles were bloodly. although i never had hit anyone at the time, people tended to give me space when i was pissed off lol

 

[Symbiote]

Enough times to remember if I got in trouble, do it in a place where there were no objects around. My mom would grab the nearest thing to beat me half to death with it. You know the beatings were so bad that you laugh in the face of your bullies and tell them, "You pussy, my mom hits harder than you"

 

[Lmd]

Did it have an impact on you? If so, how? If it was a traumatic experience for you, how were you able to cope?

Yes, it traumatized me for years. Today there are some sequels but it's something that don't scares me or makes me feel bad anymore. Luckily I got over it.

Would you hit your children if you had any?

No I don't but there was a time when I thought a little slap would don't harm. And how could I don't think it if they hit me every day at all hours for anything. In comparison a slap is nothing. Of course right now I don't have the same thoughts and I can only think in physical violence as autodefense.

 

[NodusTollens]

Great topic.

I was physically "disciplined" as a child & I would never do so to my own child (no kids).

Emotional dysregulation plagues me constantly, I was never taught to process emotions, things weren't explained to me, instead it was a sudden hand or object making contact with my person or full blown beating for reason X (never explained, of course), & couldn't express myself (talkback, what all expression was considered) & if I did, well...

As an adult, I don't ask for what I need, rarely express my true thoughts, have outbursts triggered by a plethora of things, & a hidden rage that would scare most. Basically fearful of everyone, I don't want to hurt or negatively impact others (to the point of detriment) but if you manage to get me to a point of anger budding on rage- you may as well just leave the room/home. I become volatile.

EDIT:

Coping:
Biking, Playing outdoors, TV/Movies, Reading, Video games, SH started as a teen.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Yes, I would get beaten from time to time, mostly around preschool to 3rd grade. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD a year ago.

The beatings themselves weren't the worst, I only bled once and only got bruises a couple times, but she would act completely psychotic when attacking me. Sometimes she would also shake me back and forth violently until I had a bad headache.

I'm never having children, but if I did I wouldn't lay a finger on them. I'd discipline them with other means.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I'm not sure if my post will be considered off-topic since my answer is no.

I've never been beaten, my folks were decent and did their best, but it didn't help me. As a kid and even now as an adult I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and spend my days in utter dread and stress. It doesn't matter how much they care and want to save me. All they can do is watch me disintegrate.

Hugs and lots of love to all you guys out there who have suffered at the hands of your parents when you were kids No one deserves that.

 

[DocNo]

i only got one slap in the face but i was already pretty old and provoked it somehow. it wasn't even strong and it had absolute no impact on my life.
i also never would hit my child and even try not to yell. i don't like getting loud in general. but i won't ever have kids anyways.

and besides the fact that my mother tried her best some of her behaviour still had a very bad impact when she refused me love at moments where i needed them very much. this feeling to be left alone in this moments created the fear that a single tiny mistake or even something wrong i say (even only one word) could end every friendship or relationship out of the blue and i get somehow cast out.

a very interesting book for me was "the drama of the gifted child" by alice miller. it made me realize a lot cause as a child you naturally search for the love of your parents and make a lot of sacrifices to get it which can have quite an impact on your life.

i guess the point i wanna make: disaster can come in many ways ^^

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I was spanked when I was super little, but it's so distant in my memory that I sometimes question if it ever happened at all when it comes to my mom. I do remember my grandma, mom's mom, hitting us with a fly swatter on our butts and back of legs.. but honestly, I don't feel like that affected me much. I mean, who really knows but it's at least not a painful memory or anything. My mom used humiliation, like forcing us to stand in the corner wearing dirty underwear on our heads, or allowing the other siblings to take part in being made fun of. Which may be where my brother learned to hate me, beat me up and always looking for ways to humiliate me my entire time growing up.

One memory I have that sticks out even though it seems minor is when one time my mother and aunt were fighting as usual and my best friend at the time was my cousin, the aunt's daughter. We were forced to stop talking. So I wrote her an email basically saying just because they're fighting doesn't mean we should hate each other and I also wrote a poem. I was probably 10 or so. Her mom read it and freaked out even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. I guess she went off on my mom because of it. So my mom barged into my room in the middle of a school night, jolting me awake, screaming at me.. she then let my brother (who was my bully) and EVERYONE read the letter, which was super personal, and everyone made fun of me for it. Especially the poem. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think instances like this fucked me up far more than ever being hit. I'm pretty sure it's why I feel embarrassed by everything I do and say and I feel horrible shame and humiliation about things that I really shouldn't. It's also probably why I can't handle most criticism or rejection and why I can't stand people going through my things, especially afraid of people reading things I wrote. If I had a partner who snooped through my things and phone, I would break up with them on the spot even if I had nothing to hide. I can't handle people invading my privacy. It's the one thing that makes me livid. I did used to look through people's things when I was younger too and have snooped through an ex's phone when I was an opiate addict, but I feel terrible about it and I couldn't do it now even I wanted because it induces panic attacks.

And no, I would never hit my children but I almost certainly would raise my voice out of frustration and then feel awful and guilty about it. One one more reason I shouldn't have kids. It's just one more thing to fail at, and that's a pretty huge failure if it happens.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My dad was the one who used to beat me as a child. He's a Chinese man born in 1955 so it's the only way that makes sense to him. It never worked as intended on me though. Physical punishments almost never deterred me from doing anything I didn't already want to do, they only made me fear getting caught for them. My dad had to escalate from using his hand to spanking me to getting a belt to using a horse riding crop. My dad also had a tool from Chinese markets that was like a stick with a hand at the end and this stung especially hard. Other physical punishments included having to kneel for long periods of time while repeating mantras like "I will not (do whatever thing I did)".

Usually I got beat the most for getting bad grades. My school annoyingly made it so that parents had to sign off on every test below a B grade. I also dreaded parent teacher conferences for this exact reason so whenever I could I tried to make my mom go. My mom in contrast was mostly hands off and never had to raise her voice at me much.

Besides the beatings, my dad's greatest weapon was his voice. The thought of him yelling or even raising his voice at all still strikes terror in my heart today. It led me to be a lot more polite and delicate around people in general for fear of setting them off. Some might say that's a good thing but it sure doesn't feel like that to me.

Luckily I don't have to deal with him anymore because about ten years ago when I was 16 and lied about failing Biology in high school, he inflicted a punishment on me so severe I had bruises on me and the police were called the next day. I still shudder at the details and I've repressed most of them so I won't say it here but I'm just glad I'm free at this point.

Would I do the same to my kids? Hell no. I think I won't be able to help raising my voice if they're stepping out of line but I will try not to yell at them as much as I can and I would certainly never beat them or even spank them in any way either.

Then again looking at some of the kids of today I sometimes wonder if maybe that's still what they need. Obviously nothing too far but it really does feel like we'd have less tik tokers and Jake Pauls in the world if they were just given a simple slap at an early age for being such brats. I don't know. I still think I wouldn't do it which is why I actually worry my kids if I ever have them might end up being really entitled...

 

[DocNo]

My mom used humiliation, like forcing us to stand in the corner wearing dirty underwear on our heads, or allowing the other siblings to take part in being made fun of.

wow. that's pretty cruel. the mother of my grandfather sometimes locked him out of the house when a thunderstorm was outside to punish him. he had fear of thunderstorms till his death.

One memory I have that sticks out even though it seems minor is when one time my mother and aunt were fighting as usual and my best friend at the time was my cousin, the aunt's daughter. We were forced to stop talking. So I wrote her an email basically saying just because they're fighting doesn't mean we should hate each other and I also wrote a poem. I was probably 10 or so. Her mom read it and freaked out even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. I guess she went off on my mom because of it. So my mom barged into my room in the middle of a school night, jolting me awake, screaming at me.. she then let my brother (who was my bully) and EVERYONE read the letter, which was super personal, and everyone made fun of me for it. Especially the poem. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think instances like this fucked me up far more than ever being hit. I'm pretty sure it's why I feel embarrassed by everything I do and say and I feel horrible shame and humiliation about things that I really shouldn't. It's also probably why I can't handle most criticism or rejection and why I can't stand people going through my things, especially afraid of people reading things I wrote. If I had a partner who snooped through my things and phone, I would break up with them on the spot even if I had nothing to hide. I can't handle people invading my privacy. It's the one thing that makes me livid. I did used to look through people's things when I was younger too and have snooped through an ex's phone when I was an opiate addict, but I feel terrible about it and I couldn't do it now even I wanted because it induces panic attacks.

for me it also seems to be this few moments where i was the most vulnerable that they seem to have the biggest impact.

 

[not_ready]

I got hit alot of time but there's one memory stuck in the back of my head one time i was sick and I vomit in the floor I think she hit me and yelled at me i don't remember and wanted me to clean my vomite even tho i was crying and i was 8/9
it traumatized me I used to think that they're not my parents cause your true ones will never hurt you
I don't plan on being a parent in the future but if it did happen of course i will never hit them or yell at them

 

[stygal]

My mom slapped me just this once when I was about to do something really dangerous - she was overwhelmed and furious and I get it now - but in this moment it felt terrible. Me being an anxious and easily intimidated person I felt like she (the only person keeping me safe at this point) had somehow turned against me as well. Never completely recovered from it and I would agree with anyone's stories that such a little memory gets stuck inside your head and from then on shapes the way you look at other people (and it basically leads to either trust issues or other personality "malfunctions"). It's awful that society still tries to paint in a light that raising your hand or voice against your kids will either not affect them or "make them stronger".

My dad on the other hand did unspeakable things to me that I got used to over time and even excused in my mind as "that's just the way he is" and "at least he said sorry" and stuff like that. But that one slap by my mom hit me (literally) harder.

I would never ever let a kid go through all the horrors I witnessed during my childhood that's for sure. It's although a reason I won't have any because I couldn't completely guarantee nobody ever hurting them and that would break my heart.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Great topic.

I was physically "disciplined" as a child & I would never do so to my own child (no kids).

Emotional dysregulation plagues me constantly, I was never taught to process emotions, things weren't explained to me, instead it was a sudden hand or object making contact with my person or full blown beating for reason X (never explained, of course), & couldn't express myself (talkback, what all expression was considered) & if I did, well...

As an adult, I don't ask for what I need, rarely express my true thoughts, have outbursts triggered by a plethora of things, & a hidden rage that would scare most. Basically fearful of everyone, I don't want to hurt or negatively impact others (to the point of detriment) but if you manage to get me to a point of anger budding on rage- you may as well just leave the room/home. I become volatile.

EDIT:

Coping:
Biking, Playing outdoors, TV/Movies, Reading, Video games, SH started as a teen.

This could have been written by me.
Same.
Except I coped with alcohol and drugs.
I'm almost 50 and still fucked up by the way I was treated as a child.

Edit: I never had kids. I was afraid I'd be like my dad.

 

[NodusTollens]

This could have been written by me.
Same.
Except I coped with alcohol and drugs.
I'm almost 50 and still fucked up by the way I was treated as a child.

Edit: I never had kids. I was afraid I'd be like my dad.

Sorry to hear my childhood could be such a copy + paste of yours. This shit really does weigh on a person's development. HUGS.

Same, never wanted kids for a similar reason (mother). Booze & alcohol came much later, had to move out before I could start the "fun" chapter of my life.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Sorry to hear my childhood could be such a copy + paste of yours. This shit really does weigh on a person's development. HUGS.

Same, never wanted kids for a similar reason (mother). Booze & alcohol came much later, had to move out before I could start the "fun" chapter of my life.

Oh, how did I cope as a child?
I misunderstood the question.

As a child I spent as much time outdoors away from my dad as possible. Indoors, I escaped into my imagination, drawing or reading. When things got real bad I beat the shit out of trees with a baseball bat until my body was weak and tingly.

Yah, I'm sorry you went through that, too.
The physical abuse I could deal with, actually. It was the emotional stonewalling that really messed me up.

 

[BornofDust]

Yeah when I was little. Especially for the littlest of things. He beat me pretty badly when I accidently dropped a cup and had it flowing all over the floor He wouldn't let me play with any toys when I was a kid so I he's very quick to lose his temper with me. The only reason he never went any further was because my mom would stop him so that it wouldn't make them look bad. Since then he sticked to verbal and emotional abuse. Which actually made my rage worst. Me and my dad has nearly come to blows a couple of times about 2-3 years ago. My dad once said to me to my face that if we get into a fight, one of us is going to be arrested for murder. And I honestly believed him.

The impact in me is that it was the beginning of my inner rage and resentment. When I was little, I had a pretty bad temper too, I would lash out at everyone, for mocking me or even just simply looking at me wrong. Even stabbing some people and attempting to kill my parents once. It was this way until about 8th grade, that's when I cooled it. Although I never realized this until a few years ago but my rage never really went away. I just learned how to hide it better, even from myself. Until I landed my first job. Then all that inner rage, combining that with my panful experience at that job only adding to it, made it more obvious. In fact it's even worst then it was when I was a child. The thing is though I got better at hiding it. It only really comes out though when someone trigger's me a certain way.

My coping came from my imagination, dreaming about fictional television shows and books I created in my head, reading and writing ,etc. These things tend to make me forget about all of my pain. I would hit them only if absolutely necessary( like bullying another sibling ruthlessly after I told them several times not too, then explaining to them in depth why bullying is wrong in the first place.

 

[Shadowrider]

That woman terrorized me by threats that she would beat me. Sometimes she would threaten me with beating my teeth out.
But in reality, it did not happen too often - at least, I don't remember much. I still have every teeth :)
(She knew many other ways to terrorize me, though. I wonder if escaping into a fantasy world is considered to be coping?
Also, I had habits that were not age-appropriate. Maybe sucking my thumb and needing my stuffed animals all the time - even at the age of 11...12 - were my way of childish and regressive coping or self-soothing?)
I was more than 13 when she decided I was big enough to be beaten.
The worst part was not the beating itself, TBH - but the fact that she lost her temper, she was screaming at me hysterically, without any control, she did not give a fuck about my being scared and shivering, and when she hit me and I started to cry, this made the woman even angrier and she would continue yelling at me.
And I didn't do anything _that_ bad. Just the typical prepuberty silliness.
Once she beat me for having gotten a bad character. She had never, ever done this before!

This led to me starting with self-harm. Two years later, when I got a bad character, I began to hit myself. I wonder if I did it out of fear or obedience. Maybe I did it to prevent the woman from doing so. Maybe I wanted to prove I knew what I deserved. Still not sure about it, just ashamed.
The only thing I remember is being caught.
The woman commented - with an indescribable sarcasm and cynicism - "Hit harder!"

(Fun fact: I am talking about a remedial teacher who specializes in psychopedagogy!
Maybe she thought her professional skills were meant only for her workplace. Or maybe these were some special psychopedagogical methods - and not child abuse as I think.
Oh okay, I stop being so ironical before the vitriol dripping from my fingers would dissolve my keyboard!)

I coped by escaping into even more childish fantasies. Heaven, angels, heavenly guitar solos.
And I read. I always read. (The woman described this to someone by stating that one has to beat out the book from my hands, literally.)

I have no kids. I'm afraid I would be a lousy parent.

There is only one thing I recall - not my own example, but a young girl who had a very abusive father. She would say "if only Dad hit me instead of humiliating and belittling me all the time!"
Her mother was quick to lose her temper and used physical punishment quite often - yet the girl was less afraid of her mother (who would punch her without thinking) than of her father (who kept humiliating her).
This says so much.
I cannot really formulate any opinion, only that all kinds of abuse - and unjusticeful punishment - are equally bad.