Venting went on a date and i just ended up feeling more alone

[eggsausagerice]

​

he was normal. i told him he'd probably get along better with other people. he asked why, and i said, they might have more in common with him. he was nice and paid for my coffee. we bought tickets to see project hail mary and i liked the movie, but i knew i didn't care about him. we made small talk in the car before going to the theater and it was fine, but i couldn't tell him i had no life goals and no intention to get a job, because i was thinking about killing myself in a few days. i said my major "was" literature. everything is was now. you don't need someone in your life that talks like they're dead.

i still need to look at hotels to die in. i thought that this date might make me feel better or that i would get laid, but i just got really somber in the car and asked to go home. i felt bad that i knew he would get along with other people far more than me, even though he said he liked spending time with me when i got incredibly quiet on the way home. i couldn't explain that i fundamentally couldn't get along with him because of how i see most things as pointless while he sees living as important and fulfilling. i just really hate when i talk about myself, because i start spiraling or feel the need to lie so that my life sounds less depressing, even though these past 3 years made me feel hollow. i still find things funny and i still have the capacity to enjoy things, but after becoming an adult my life hasn't improved or changed in the slightest. i haven't been able to mature the way other people have and i still rely on my friends and my parents to drive me around. and then people say, "get a license!", but i have an anxiety disorder and the people that already have a license assume it'll be easy for me. i'm tired of talking about therapy and getting a license. i'm tired of people telling me that i shouldn't kill myself because their lives are fuller than mine, or they have things they value too much to want to die. there's nothing in my life that's meaningful enough for me to not be afraid of dying. if someone talks about my life being worth living again i'm just going to get annoyed.

i'll never be cool for wanting to kill myself. it doesn't make me unique or interesting. it doesn't give me a new viewpoint on life. it actually just makes me worse than others. there's people in my life that i just can't talk to again because i don't want to talk about how my life has been going and how i've refused to make any effort to improve it. the people that want to keep living and finding things to live for will get along with each other better than me. it's better for me to push people away because of how dysfunctional and distant i am. i think that i'm ready to die. i know that if i stay alive i'm only going to have more of these kinds of interactions. i'm falling short of being human.

 

[singingcrow]

you should be proud of yourself for going on a date it's not an easy thing to do

 

[eggsausagerice]

you should be proud of yourself for going on a date it's not an easy thing to do

if i'm being honest, i didn't really want to in the first place. i just did it in the hopes that it would help me get over myself more. but i'm calmer if i'm spending my time alone. i went in assuming that the guy would be boring, that he would be weird, that he would objectify me, but he was just normal. somehow that made me feel worse, because if i was normal in the same way he was we would've gotten along. i just couldn't. most people can do much better than me. i think that people can tell that i'm pathetic or that i hate myself.

 

[whywere]

You ARE NOT EVER falling short of being human NEVER!

Reading your post, you reminded me of me, albeit a long time ago, but everything stays the same no matter the time frame.

First and foremost, one aspect that I learned in the early 1970's was to be me and to never ever listen to anyone but my heart, mind and soul.

As far as you mention about a driver's license and others telling you to get one. Tell them to take a hike and keep their opinions and thoughts to themselves.

I had folks back in the 1970's that were getting married, having kids, getting the house, blah, blah, blah and I went my direction and BOY! did I get flack for it. Guess what? In the long run, I am VERY happy how things came out and they still live in their small world with, of course, everything opinion in the world that nobody wants to hear.

You are a strong, kind, caring, vibrant, and loving soul and be YOU, as you ARE a great friend, family member to me and I bet so many others, and so many that you might not know.

I NEED you HERE and NOT ctb. Now, I am NOT pro-life nor pro-ctb but pro-choice and with that said, I get the strongest of feelings that you are so VERY much needed, I know that I need you.

I always sign off on posts with my real first name and one reason is that whatever I write on here comes from my soul and never ever any B.S. or mind games ever.

Hugs and loving sunshine to you.

Walter

 

[Pure Vanilla]

Even if everything is pointless as long as you feel personal attachment or enjoyment then that has more value than some greater meaning in my opinion, I dont think the issue is that you are hopeless and he is hopeful, I think the issue is that you didnt care about him, no matter how hopeless life is theres usually atleast 1 person out there who can make it worth living, which would be a really inspiring thing if it wasnt borderline impossible to find anyone like that and completely luck based, just the way life is I guess

 

[eggsausagerice]

I think the issue is that you didnt care about him, no matter how hopeless life is theres usually atleast 1 person out there who can make it worth living, which would be a really inspiring thing if it wasnt borderline impossible to find anyone like that and completely luck based

at the end of our date i was dwelling on the people that i saw myself as not good enough to be spending time with, and that i would rather be talking to them instead of this guy that i can't seem to relate or connect to at all. i figure that i'm the problem if i don't like him, since he said he liked me. i've met a lot of people who i wanted to like just so i can feel like a normal person, but i just end up wanting to isolate myself and regretting that i even chose to hang out or talk to them. i couldn't tell him that i didn't enjoy being around him, but not because he was a bad person, but just because i had people that i liked more than him. in this situation i'd rather be him than me. he can just talk to someone else, but i'm stuck being me.

 

[Pure Vanilla]

at the end of our date i was dwelling on the people that i saw myself as not good enough to be spending time with, and that i would rather be talking to them instead of this guy that i can't seem to relate or connect to at all. i figure that i'm the problem if i don't like him, since he said he liked me. i've met a lot of people who i wanted to like just so i can feel like a normal person, but i just end up wanting to isolate myself and regretting that i even chose to hang out or talk to them. i couldn't tell him that i didn't enjoy being around him, but not because he was a bad person, but just because i had people that i liked more than him. in this situation i'd rather be him than me. he can just talk to someone else, but i'm stuck being me.

you arent "the problem" you just didnt get along and thats that, its not like you desperately wanted to hate them for 0 reason, why should you feel guilty for not getting along with someone you chose to talk to? its your life, you dont owe him love or anything, you shouldnt feel guilty about it in any way